If your primary source of information is the last five minutes of the nightly news before Cheers comes on, you know that today marks the last installment of the Peanuts comic strip. But as cartoonist Charles Schulz retires, so do America's favorite big headed seniors. As implausible as it may seem, the Misinformants were able to find out what the gang is going to do with their retirement now that...
With his bulbous bald head and incontinent demeanor, Charlie Brown is perhaps the only Peanuts character really acting his age. Good ol' Charlie Brown has reported that he is enjoying his old age, as his onsetting Alzheimer's is finally a plausible excuse for his continuing efforts to kick that football that Lucy keeps yanking out of his way day after hip-shattering day. When asked about the conditions in his Beverly Hills retirement community, Brown said, "The people are all so nice to me. They put things in terms I can really understand like, 'It's the end of your career, Charlie Brown,' and 'It's strained peaches, Charlie Brown.'"
Franklin
Age: 32
Once again getting the short end of the stick, at the youthful age of 32, Franklin is not yet able to collect any kind of retirement benefits as the strip draws to a close. Franklin has expressed an interest in appearing as the non-offensive black token character in another quirky "slice of life" type comic strip. "Oh for the love of warm noses and scripture," Franklin complains, "I'm such a cop out. You just color Charlie brown, and there I am!"
Linus Van Pelt
Age: 48
Having saved up a considerable amount of money with his frugal blanket-sucking ways, Linus has announced his plans to circumnavigate the Earth in a hot air balloon in attempt to finally track down the elusive Great Pumpkin. "I was looking at the Brookstone catalog one day and they had this sophisticated 'pumpkin detector' device," the quirky millionaire muses. "From that we've developed an array that we believe will be able to track and monitor any gourd activity within a ten mile radius when deployed from the balloon." VanPelt adds with a mischievous chuckle, "The Great Pumpkin has ruined his last Halloween. He'll be sorry if I find him! Good grief, I said 'if'! I meant 'WHEN'! 'WHEN' I find him!"
Lucy Van Pelt
Age: 48
Finally getting an "out" from her long term contract with the strip, Lucy has a theme restaurant in the works with long time boyfriend and fellow retired comic star Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes fame. Also rumored to be a silent backer in the operation is the cow from The Far Side. The restaurant, tentatively called "Van Pelt's Electric Psychedelic Stuffed Tiger Swingers Club" has been designed to cash in on the current 1960s Austin Powers fad. "I'm no blockhead," Lucy says, "I know what the kids are in to, and it sure as all get out isn't five-cent psychiatry booths anymore. And Calvin... well good grief, after you've pissed on every make and model of automobile produced in the past twenty-five years, where else is there to go but up?"
Pigpen
Age: 46
When asked about the circumstances surrounding the end of the strip, Pigpen states that he was "Shocked and outraged" at the announcement. "I haven't taken a bath since 1958 for that bastard Schulz, and then he just goes and pulls it all out from underneath me like Linus pulling his blanket out from underneath Snoopy. Schulz let the freakin' dog take a bath, but me? Never! 'It's your thing, it's your angle,' he always said. Well let me tell you, when it's your 'angle' to have ear mites the size of Rerun, you don't exactly have the other strips knocking down your door with work."
Peppermint Patty
Age: 34
No longer fearing the backlash that the announcement would make to the strip, Peppermint Patty finally told the press what we've all known since 1970: She and Marcy are lovers. "Why do you think she always called me 'sir'?" an outraged Patty complains. "I'm the butch and she's the bitch. It's so obvious." Patty and Marcy hope to become the Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche of the comic strip world, spreading their pro-lesbian message of peace and love, and making horrible horrible movies where they play straight women.
