Today's feature is really something special. I think you'll really like it.
But first, a little bit of reader mail.
To: misinformer.com
From: delovely@femail.com
Subject: What about us lesbians?
Mr. Hart,
You know, by denying us photos of the lovely, luscious, lickable women of E3, you're not only frustrating and alienating your core group of horny male readers, but also the lipstick lesbians on the lacy pink fringe of your fandom.
Please don't let this go on any longer. We're all like shaken up bottles of pent-up cyberlust, and we just want to pop our corks.
^_^ *-Dolores
To: misinformer.com
From: bivey@arts.endow.gov
Subject: Your Endowment Grant
Dear misinformer.com,
As you know, the charter for your grant through the National Endowment for the Arts clearly states:
The Fiscal Agent (NEA) hereby agrees to sponsor the Project (misinformer.com) and to assume all responsibility for purposes of funding said organization. The Sponsored Organization agrees to implement and operate the Project, in accordance with the terms of this agreement and with any requirements imposed by funding organizations, including but not limited to the display of no less than seven (7) mountainous mounds of mammary per month.
I trust your organization will comply immediately with our agreement so that funds may continue to be awarded.
Sincerely,
Bill Ivey
Chairman
Heat.net
Today's feature was supposed to be a big shiny exclusive showstopper interview with Nintendo's Shigeru Miyamato, the man who, amongst other incredible lifetime achievements, invented the Super Mario Brothers.
I mean, you have no idea how hard it was to get an interview with this guy. He's got security that would make the President of the United States feel exposed and vulnerable (insert favorite Clinton sex joke here).
You wouldn't believe the stuff that Miyamato is working on for Nintendo's new "Dolphin" system. Gasp and drool. I mean, I don't even like videogames and I wanted to kiss the man after he was done with his demo. Damn, it still gives me shivers. Brrrr!
And the "Advance", the next generation of Gameboy. Sweet Jesus. It's like looking God Himself in the face and having Him yell, "Pika pikaaaaa!"
But anyway, I know that you don't care about any of that.
You've made it abundantly clear through your emails, phone calls, faxes, and letter bombs exactly what you want out of this report.
Journalistic integrity be damned, here's your stinkin' boobies.
misinformer - Hello ladies. *sigh*... How's it goin'?
Blonde 1 - We're having a super awesome time here today!
misinformer - Uh huh. Does anybody here by any chance feel exploited or oppressed because "the man" is shamelessly using you to promote some product that you have no apparent connection to?
Blonde 3 - Well, this shirt is kind of oppressing, but the people are all super nice!
misinformer - Uh huh. That's what I figured. So you're promoting something then?
Blonde 2 - Oh yeah! We sure are! We're here to tell you about Heat.net where you can play games ONLINE!
misinformer - Uh huh. I see your shirts. "Are you in heat?" I get it. Very clever. One of those double entendres.
Blonde 4 - Oh no! It's not that, it's an advertising slogan. But it's written so that you could think about it two ways, you know? The real way and a kind of dirty way.
misinformer - Uh huh. So I take it you gorgeous ladies are all genuinely avid online gamers then?
Floor Girl - And how! One time I played "I spy with my little eye" for almost two hours when I was on line for the Matterhorn.
misinformer - Uh huh. Right. So do you guys want to hear about the incredible interview that I did with Shigeru Miyamato?
Blonde 1 - Omigawwd! Do I ever! He was sooo HOT in that movie with Jodie Foster!
misinformer - Um... I think you're thinking of Chow Yun-Fat.
Blonde 2 - No way! He's not fat! He's totally cut! Oooh! He made me moist in Romeo Must Die!
Floor Girl - Oooh yeah! Me too! I'd die for his Romeo.
misinformer - Ah. Right. Okay, that was Jet Li. I'm talking about...
Blonde 3 - Was he the guy in Rush Hour?
misinformer - No! That's Jackie Chan!
Blonde 4 - I thought he was the guy from The Replacement Killers?
misinformer - NO! That was Chow Yun-Fat!
Blonde 1 - That's what I said in the first place! He's HOT!
misinformer - HEY! Do any of you care at all about my interview with the guy who invented Mario or not!
Blonde 2 - Are you oppressing us?
misinformer - Me? No! I was the one who tried to champion your righ...
Blonde 3 - I feel kind of oppressed now.
misinformer - Alright, that's enough. I'm done. From the Electronic Entertainment Expo 2000, this has been Marcus Alexander Hart reporting. I'll see you all next year for more of... oh forget it, I'm never doing this again.
Floor Girl - You feel oppressed? *I* don't even get to stand up!
Today's feature was supposed to be a big shiny exclusive showstopper interview with Nintendo's Shigeru Miyamato, the man who, amongst other incredible lifetime achievements, invented the Super Mario Brothers.
