UGO.com
Way back in the deep dark corner of the convention hall, beyond all the big flashy Dreamcast consoles and the Nintendo colony, even past the lame showgirl-free tech booths, we found this sign.
What da? Is that Gary Coleman?
What the hell is Gary Coleman doing at E3 taking all comers on some Japanese fighting game? It doesn't make sense. It's unexpected.
Then again, when you consider that the bulk of his career in the past ten years is based on non-sequitur, I guess it becomes less shocking.
You can pretty much put Gary Coleman in any situation, and people will go, "Cool! It's Gary Coleman, and he wants me to consider my long-term Medicare benefits and buy a food dehydrator? Okay!"
So we ventured in, and sure enough, there was Gary himself, thrashing on the control pad and throwing out carcass after humiliated bloated carcass.
His record for the day was an impressive 37 wins to 7 losses, and considering the kind of hard-core expert game fiends that the conference draws, it seems that the reports of 'ol Arnold being a 30 year old virgin aren't exaggerated.
And speaking of 30 year old virgins, here's one of the many satisfied "fan" letters from this morning's mailbag:
To: misinformer.com
From: skinlovr@aol.com
Subject: E3 in review
Hey, when are you going to start showing the pictures of the booth babes? I thought that it was really funny last year, and now I just get you bichin and moaning about never finding Mitchell Bourg again. You thinnk thats comedy? What's up with that? You some kind of fruit?
Let's see some skin, friend.
--> Thommy <--
PS. The Olsen Twins are HOT!
Look, we're not doing that again. We're doing something new. We're talking to Gary Coleman.
And the Olsen twins are not hot. Pervert.
Gary Coleman - Okay, who's next.
misinformer - Um, that's us, Mr. Coleman. It's really an honor to get to meet you.
Gary Coleman - Thanks! It's always nice to meet a fan. Are you ready?
misinformer - You're really short.
Gary Coleman - Uh... yeah. I know. Are you ready?
misinformer - No, I mean, obviously you're short, I mean, everybody knows that, but I mean, dude, you're like a full on midget.
Gary Coleman - Look, are you here to play, or to be a total asshole?
misinformer - Oddly enough... I guess I'm here to be a total...
Gary Coleman - Okay, here's the rules. It's pretty easy. Square is punch, circle is block, triangle is kick, and X is punch.
misinformer - You already said punch.
Gary Coleman - I know. If you accidentally hit the X, I get to punch you.
misinformer - But how will you know?
Gary Coleman - I'll know.
misinformer - Um... can I see the rulebook?
Gary Coleman - And when I win, you have to do whatever humiliating thing I tell you to.
misinformer -Now wait a second, I didn't agree to that...
Gary Coleman - Of course you did, it's part of the deal. It's the only way I manage to maintain some dignity in life. It's my personal revenge against smart asses like you who are too unoriginal to come up with something besides "let's call Gary Coleman short." When I kick your skinny white butt in this game, I'm gonna make you lick whipped cream out of my armpits while yodeling songs from Annie Get Your Gun, and I'm gonna like it.
Playstation II - DEKIAGARI! SENTOU!
misinformer - Wait, which was block? *THWACK!* Ow! Why did you hit me?
Gary Coleman - You hit X.
misinformer - I did not! *THWACK!* OW! Hey!
Gary Coleman - You hit it again.
misinformer - Why you little Lollypop Kid piece of... grrr!
Gary Coleman - There's nooooo business like shoooooow business...
misinformer - This isn't fair! This game isn't even in English! I'm gonna just hit them all at once then!
Playstation II - *Kreeee!*Powpowpow!*WhackCRUNCH!*Neenerneenerneenerneener!*
misinformer - Holy crap!
Gary Coleman - Holy crap!
Playstation II - SHITAMACHI!
misinformer - What did I just do?
Playstation II - TODOME!
misinformer - Oh I give up, you spoiled little... wait, I just won!
Gary Coleman - Nooo! It's not fair!
misinformer - Hey! Does that public humiliation deal go both ways?
Gary Coleman - (silence)
misinformer - It does! Say it!
Gary Coleman - No.
misinformer - Come on, you have to! Say it!
Gary Coleman - ... ... Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis.
Way back in the deep dark corner of the convention hall, beyond all the big flashy Dreamcast consoles and the Nintendo colony, even past the lame showgirl-free tech booths, we found this sign.
Gary Coleman - Of course you did, it's part of the deal. It's the only way I manage to maintain some dignity in life. It's my personal revenge against smart asses like you who are too unoriginal to come up with something besides "let's call Gary Coleman short." When I kick your skinny white butt in this game, I'm gonna make you lick whipped cream out of my armpits while yodeling songs from Annie Get Your Gun, and I'm gonna like it.