It's
long bothered me that it's so hard to get rid of me...
Think
about it. If I had to get rid of me in a hurry, how would I do it?
Like what if I was in major trouble, and I had to permanently remove
all evidence of my existence? What if I were radioactive, and to save
all of humanity, I had to blink out of existence somehow? Now you're
thinking, "Hey, that little bastard's right. How WOULD I get rid of
myself?" Like remember that girl in M:I2 who was all virused
up with that insane crazy kill-everyone virus? If I were her, I'd've
been thinking the same thing I'm thinking right now. And you're all
finally getting a little peek inside the diabolical mind I've cultivated
on the Sci-fi Channel. Proceed with caution...
I could
try to throw myself off a cliff into a watery canyon. Heck, I could
even go downstream where the rapids always are. But you and I both
know what always happens when someone gets thrown to a watery grave
near rapids. I'd just end up swelling with the gases of my own decomposing
corpse, and then I'd float all bloated and eyeless into a lakeside
Girl Scout retreat weeks later. Jesus, I'd walk the earthly afterlife
infinitely feeling the ass for THAT foolishness.
Bomb
Chair
I could
devise a really powerful bomb and sit on it, but unless it was an
atom bomb, which is again, really bad for local Girl Scouts, it
probably wouldn't dispose of me entirely. I'd likely just be scattered
about somewhat. There'd still be gruesome bits and chunks of bone
and intestine (it's impossible to destroy intestine with an explosion).
And those poor Girl Scouts. What if they saw it? Christ, I'd hate
myself, every single, particle-sized bit of me. Besides... I don't
want the last thing that goes through my mind to be chunks of my
ass.
The
Lead Sphere
I was thinking
"What if I got a giant lead sphere and sat INSIDE it with
a bomb?" That would be a different story... The only problems that
exist with this method are:
1. There would probably still be lots of blood and useful DNA samples
in the giant lead sphere (the idea is to remove all traces, which
by definition includes removing all clonable bits of me), and
2. Where the hell do I get a giant lead sphere? What a stupid idea.
Bad.
Burn
baby, burn
"What about
fire?" I pondered. Nothing in particular about fire, it's just that
the thought of fire is always condusive to sinister pondering, whether
I'm just thinking about torching a building or actually doing it.
And so I sinisterly pondered... Ponder ponder ponder. I pondered
until the word 'ponder' sounded funny. You know, the great thing
about torching myself is that I'd be able to destroy pretty much
all clonable elements of my person. But what about the bones? They
never burn. They just will not burn in much the same way
that intestines will not explode. Fire was an even dumber idea than
the chairbomb. "Are you keeping your head in the game here, Smartass!?"
I'm talking to me, not you. Sorry...
Inferno
You just
can NOT burn bone away, no matter how fun it is to try, or how many
caustic/flammable substances you mix. Oh, sure, you bring up cremation.
Yeah? Have you ever seen 'em do it? I saw my uncle's ashes, and
I will tell you, I saw NO trace of a fat man's skeleton anywhere
in there. I am dead serious. Bone is entirely fireproof. I mean,
you can take a hydrogen shower in a tub full of gasoline while slickin'
back your Grecian Formulated geri curl, tied head to toe in foam
filled nitro glycerine soaked playschool dolls while someone else
pepper-sprays your drunk face in a house with a gas leak, while
your fat uncle downstairs lights up a cigarette while buying Girl
Scout cookies, in a house lying on a fault line in sinkhole territory
over an Indian burial ground, and the only thing left on that block
will be your charred skeletal parts (and Thin Mints - they won't
burn either). I've seen it happen. That's how friggin' non-flammable
skeletons are. So fire is still a bad idea.
Enough
already!
I mean,
I'm sorry to keep riding this subject, but if the skeleton is so
damned impervious, why don't they make airplanes out of 'em? If
you're gonna call it "ribbed support structures," or "reinforced
inner skeleton" use the real thing dammit! Don't give me your half-assed
aluminum pressed laminate polycarbonate bullshit. Rivets my ass.
It should be 'riblets.' And THAT would be a "ribbed for my pleasure"
that even I could feel. But I've gone on too long about skeletons.
I don't want to get caught up in conversations of adamantium or
the skeletal structure of girl scouts, etc... The point is moot.
I'm just going to leave the topic as "unsolved." Robert Stack can
take over from here. I really wish I could do more. I'm just one
man, trying to figure out how to get rid of himself, without a trace...
without a trace...
Conclusions...
I mean,
when I think about it now, I'm pretty much a Looney Toon. I just
can't be destroyed. Light me on fire, blow me up, throw me off a
cliff, and I'm still there. I'm invincible. I am a rock. I am an
island. At any rate, I'm definitely looney.
If you can think of a good way to get rid of me (entirely), I will
certainly take it under consideration. To aid you, I have added
a small form below that you may fill in, with your ideas, criticisms,
and potential doomsday thoughts. I especially want to hear how to
get rid of me, without harming any Girl Scouts. Please don't forget
to give me a valid email address, should I wish to thank you, or
send you tickets and times to the 'event' in the event your idea
presents itself as "the perfect way" to off myself without a trace.
I will not use your address for anything else, nor will misinformer.com
sell it or make fun of it while dancing naked on friday nights with
Girl Scouts (don't ask).
