July 3rd, 2000 Like all of your favorite radio personalities who have gone on vacation for the long Independence Day weekend, leaving your holiday tune-spinning in the hands of their student interns, the misinformants have shut down the office to ring in this July 4th the way that our forefathers intended. Drunk off our asses in Tijuana. In our stead, this week we turn over the helm to the original misinformant. A man who will give you the no-nonsense truth for a nickel in his styrofoam coffee cup. A man who will give you all the answers, especially if you don't ask. A man who has never made it truly clear whether he is the all knowing master of all worldly enlightenment, or if he is full of more shit than a Port-O-Potty at a laxative exhibition. Yes, this week misinformer.com is proud to present... The Wit and Wisdom of the Guy outside the Shell By The Guy outside the Shell Hey, what's goin' on man? I just... you know what's weird? These kids came over here to the Shell the other day, man, and they all had these little, I dunno, doohickeys with them. Like remote controls with no buttons. I was like, "Hey man, what are those things?" and they were like, "They're PDAs, burnout." Whoa, you know? Like, when I was in school, making out by my locker was a PDA, and now they're these crazy little Captain Kirk Star Trek things. Man. The future is weird, you know? We got a letter. Date: Mon, 26 Jun 2000 15:50:33 -0400 From: Angela To: misreviews Subject: a little dispute I was just reading your review of Chicken Run and, for some odd reason, thought I'd spare you from looking like an idiot by pointing out that Mel Gibson only grew up in New Zealand - he was actually born in, I believe New York. Ok, I'm doubting my memory a little - so maybe it wasn't New York, but it most definitely WAS a US city. nanny-nanny-boo-boo a bigger Mel Gibson fan than yourself, Angela :*) Dear Angela, You know... hi. I met Mel Gibson in like, I guess like, 1980 on the set of The Road Warrior. I was hanging with this weird guy at the time, his name was Emil Minty. He was a trip, man. Anyway, I met Mel and I was like, "Dude, you were pretty awesome in Bird on a Wire." He was like, "Aye, g'day, I know, mate." That guy rocked. Back then, man, back then Rick Springfield was all the rage, you know? Me and Mel, we were like, "I wish that I had Jessie's giiiIIiiIIrl *ba-na-ba-nah!* I wish that I had Jessie's giiiiIIiiiiIIiirl! *Ba-na-ba-na-ba-nah-nah!*" That song, "Jessie's Girl"? That was all about Rebecca Romijn-Stamos. You see, 'cause John Stamos played Uncle Jesse on Full House, and Rebecca Romign-Stamos is married to him and is ipso factoid his "girl." Jesse's girl, you know? I didn't realize this until much later, but I always knew, you know? Anyway, that time that I met Mel Gibson, I'm pretty sure it was in Australia, because some dude gave me a Fosters. Mel told me he was born in Peekskill, NY, but moved to Australia when he was 12 because his father was on Jeopardy. I don't know, man. Can you really base who a person is by what they do before they even, you know, hit their teens? Dude, when Tom Cruise was 12 years old he was a Franciscan seminary student. That didn't like, ruin his life though, you know? He still grew up to be in movies where he shows his jalomer and says stuff about, "respecting the cock." Dude, Michael J. Fox was born in Canada. You know? Does that, like, make him a Canadian? I mean, he moved to America, right? Samuel L. Jackson like, played the French horn in his school's symphony orchestra when he was 12 years old, you know? The French horn, man. Now he's shut my mouth, Shaft, and I can dig it. What you do before you're 12 doesn't define who you are, man. Mel Gibson is Australian. --   July 5th, 2000 Hey man, like whoa, right? Last night I was taking a leak behind the dumpster and dude, the sky just like totally exploded and stuff. Dude, man. It went on for like, an hour, man. I'm glad I was already taking a leak, or I probably would have pissed myself, you know? The government is weird, man. We got another letter. Date: Wed, 14 Jun 2000 18:34:54 -0400 From: Greg To: misreviews Subject: Best and Worst Movies of All Time I agree with your bottom ten movies ( although vagas vacation was a little funny) but you top ten movies could also be considered bottom ten movies ( with the exception of scream ). Try coming up with a new list of top ten movies of all time ( you can add scream if you want to) where every one in the film isn't murdered or killed by dead people or vampires. Dear Greg, Man, I didn't realize our list of favorite movies was wrong, you know? Thanks for letting us know. Like, you know when you've got a big ol' booger stuck in your mustache, and nobody tells you for like, a week and a half? Like, all the kids just kind of look away and pretend like you're not even there. Anyway, you know, this is like the same thing, man. This isn't, you know, my list to begin with, but I'll see what I can do to help you out, man. A friend with weed is a friend indeed, right? Here's my favorite movies. This is the list. Okay, this is it. 1. Up in Smoke - Van made of Mary Jane, no vampires. 2. Fast Times at Ridgemont High - Last time I hung with Phoebe Cates she made me watch this. That chick is awesome, you know. She's one quarter Chinese on her mother's side, man. Ancient Chinese secret and stuff. No murders. 3. Scream - Uh, a bunch of people get murdered in this, but you said it was okay to put on the list, so, you know, I did, man. 4. Dazed and Confused - Milla Jojovich is from outer space, man. I saw it in, like, a dream. Or it might have been another movie... anyway, dude, she's like, totally out there. Run, Lola, run, you know? I dig those chicks, man. 5. Vegas Vacation - If you like it, Gregmeister, it's cool with me, you know? Dude, I remember one time when I used to hang with Anthony Michael Hall before he was in that movie. Man, he was a funny dude. I showed up at that Saturday Night Fever place where he used to be on TV and they told me that he didn't work there anymore 'causa rehab. Whatever, man. 6. Steel Magnolias - Some guy threw this tape out of a van at me, man. I haven't like, watched it yet, but there's no dead guys on the cover. 7. Up in Smoke - Heeheheeeheee! Dude, you'll never guess what the van is made of! Hee hee heeeee... 8. Citizen Kane - Okay man, I give. You know you want it to be on the list. There you go. That one's free, man. 9. The Phantom - The guy at Subway gave me a free Kids Meal when that movie came out, man. Dude, those little hammie samwidges are good stuff, you know? 10. Mac and Me - Dude, man, I always knew that Coca-Cola was a secret, you know, alien regeneration fluid, or some stuff, you know? You should see Milla Johovovich drink that stuff man. Like a gallon a day. Dude, you see? Anyway, these movies are okay, but I heard that those little Olsen twins have signed a deal with Skinemax for a soft-core as soon as they turn 18, man. Dude, I saw the script the other day, it's hot. It's gonna be called Doppelganger Banger, and it's gonna have the girls starring as, you know, long lost twins. They like, want their parents to get married, but they don't know how to do it, and they get mixed up and then they like, get it on. Dude, mark your calendar. --   July 6th, 2000 You know what, man? Chicks can pee standing up. The whole squatting thing is just an act, man. I mean, like, whoa, right? It's totally true. I've seen it. And I mean, even chicks that don't have "optional equipment... can do it, you know? The first time I saw this chick do it I thought she was a total homofordite or something, you know? That chick turned out to be totally cool though, she didn't have any jimbly-jangly, she just had, like, this highly trained bladder, you know? I think her name was Jamie-Lee. She used to date that guy Adam Ant when we used to like, hang out all the time. We all used to all rock out together, man. ...Goody two, goody two, goody goody shoe man!... She can really put out your eye with like, a coat hanger, you know? Some guy wrote this. From: Winston To: Trixie and the Misdemeanors Subject: Everybody is free to wear sunscreen Date: Fri, 16 Jun 2000 22:42:30 -0700 (PDT) I read your opinion about Baz Luhrmann's "Everybody Is Free To Wear Sunscreen" and I'm upset. You din't really understand what it says! Neither do you really know the life! Or - and that seems to be more likely - you are hurt by the life. You are hurt so much that you can't bear to see what it means to live a good life and be healthy (in the soul). That's pity! Because having a healthy soul is such a great experience and is so much better than anything else! The things you are telling and the way you think about the life can not compare to that! The things Luhrmann is singing about are parts of the outcome of a healthy soul. You can't doing all of these things on your own (of course). That means, your are not able to do these things without having a healthy soul. But if you don't do it you will regret it when you're old. So becoming healthy in mind and soul is the first goal, doing the things Luhrmann sings is the second step. Dear Winston, Man. Dude, I'm really sorry that we upset you, man. We were just chillin' out and now you're harshing our song, man, you know? Dude, I live the life, man. I have been hurt by the life, man. You know it. The life can be a real bummer if you let it get to you, you know? Plus one time some guy in a Scirocco ran over my foot when he was pulling up to the pump. Man, the life hurt that day, I know. I've been around the world and met a lot of people, you know? I might not be able to remember everybody's exact name or, you know, how I got in the Navy, but I've been around enough to know that like, a healthy soul comes from the people that you know and love, man. Ass, gas, or grass, nobody rides for free, you know? Amen. So the other day I'm watching the boob tube, you know, okay and I see this car commercial for like Nissans or something. The commercial had that Baz Luhurmaaan song in it, man. Dude, selling out to like, make people buy a mini-van isn't living the life, you know? That guy is just as fake as like, Josie and the Pussycats, but at least they don't, you know, try to act like they get to tell everyone how much to love their moms, you know? They're just trying to get that crazy spaceship back to Earth before they run out of air or get really old, or like die or something, you know? Now that's pity, man. --   July 7th, 2000 Hey man, did you ever see that TV show Small Wonder? That was a weird show, man. Okay, there's this guy who like, builds a robot girl, right, okay, but he makes her real small. And not like a midget small, but like, you know, a little kid small. I don't know man, that's kinda crazy. Kids are fun and all, but after you play kickball for a while, what else are you going to do with it, you know? You can't send a little kid to go pick up some tacos or anything, man. If I could make a robot, I'd make one that was all big like Andre the Giant. Man, that guy was crazy. We used to hang out and I used to use him as like, a boat. He was a funny dude. We'd go out in the bay and he'd just float there on his belly, you know, like some kinda big hairy meat island, and he'd be all, ...Glimb undo my baaak! I um a booat fur you to riide!... He would have made a really cool robot, you know? I'll bet he could beat Godzilla in a fight, man. This chick sounds cool. From: Shadoukat To: submissions@misinformer.com Subject: misinformer.com submission Date: Wed, 31 May 2000 17:16:00 -0700 dear misinformants; i have been following your adventures for quite some time, and read your supposedly emails, and i decided that i would actually send you a real email.. versus all the ones you make up to place on the site. yes, i enjoy your wit and humor, heck.. i even enjoy all the lies you have on the site about yourselves and the interviews and such... so here.. i will send you a nice email.... to thank you for your continuous attempt at comedy... and for at times placing a big stupid grin on my face. sincerely, -shadoukat Dear Shadoukat, Hi. I don't know about other letters from like, before this stuff, but I swear to the Zig Zag Man that every letter I've answered this week has come from, you know, some guy out there who like, wrote to us. It's crazy, man. Thanks for the mail, dude. We're like, happy that you enjoy all the lies man, because lies are all over, you know? If you can't get away from the lies, you should like, enjoy them, right? Like, one time this guy told me that you could get a buzz from snorting Ready Whip. So I tried it one time, and once I had about two and a half cans of that stuff sprayed up my nose I just started like, choking and hurling all over the sidewalk. A bunch of kids were there, and they were all, you know, laughing at me and stuff. It was really weird too, because it wasn't like normal spew that has like Spaghetti-Os and mooshed up brownies and barrettes and stuff in it, it was like, all white and foamy like a pie or something. That was pretty cool, you know, and it all happened because that dude lied to me, man. I think when the other guy comes back I'm like, gonna like, tell him to change the sign outside to say ...misinformer.com, where we make continuous attempts at comedy. --   All content © 1999-2007 misinformer.com.   Shell stations are standouts in every community they serve.