September 25th, 2000 Here at misinformer.com we've always wanted to show our appreciation to our loyal fans by rounding you all up into a North Hollywood sugar shack for free drinks, good times, and public humiliation, Karaoke style. Unfortunately this idea has proven itself not only cost prohibitive from an alcohol standpoint, but virtually impossible due to our blacklist status at most of the San Fernando Valley's Karaoke Bars. They say necessity is the mother of invention, and today Big Momma N has given birth to the KaraokePhoneTM: The world's first dial-up Karaoke Bar. Now, instead of having to shove all of our groupies into a crowded, smoky bar, the magic of science and technology allows our fans to just phone in their sultry performances. Our digital prayers answered, the misinformants now launch the KaraokePhoneTM on her maiden voyage as we introduce our favorite Japanese born, Cowboy Bar bred, drunken spectacle to the virgin internet with... The World's First Online Karaoke Contest Hosted by Marcus Entering our Karaoke contest is fast, easy, and totally free from any telephone! On top of that, for the price of only two minutes of vocal exercise, you stand to win any item you choose from misbegotten the misinformer.com store! That's right, any sleek mousepad, durable coffee mug, or sexy t-shirt can be yours in any size and style you choose. Even the giant mutant sizes! Don't be shy, guy. You can enter under an assumed name if you want. Nobody has to know that you're a Karaoke fiend if you're not ready to come out of that closet yet. Your secret is safe with us. "But how does it work?" you ask. It's simple. After you sing your lullaby into your ordinary household telephone, the KaraokePhone'sTM space age technology will digitize your performance and send it electronically to misinformer headquarters. Before long, our crack staff of AV Club experts will post a RealAudio version of your velvety voice right here on this very page to participate in the competition. It's that easy. Since misinformer.com is a democracy, and we have not yet perfected an internet equivalent to the "clap the loudest for your favorite singer" electoral process, the winner will be chosen through the use of the online poll at the bottom of this page. (Sorry gang, the poll is gone. The contest is over. Bugger all.) Of course you Ian Malcolm Mathematicians out there realize that this means the earlier you enter, the more likely you probably are to win. An entry posted on Monday afternoon will be heard by several hundred more people before the final tally on Thursday night than one posted Thursday afternoon. Get it? For once you have power over the forces of probability, so don't waste it. Contestants (Click to Play All) All Contestants Choose this option to hear all of the current contestants back to back with just one click. (Click to Play) Misty Bell Stay I gots the skilzz (Click to Play) Matt It's the End of the World as we Know it and I Feel Fine Can't you just smell the 80's drifting away? (Click to Play) Peter Sofronas The Masochism Tango Bash in his brains, and make him squeal with pain. (Click to Play) Allison Pride and Joy Look, I'm sorry. I recorded this in my bathroom. Stevie Ray, wherever you are, I know you'll forgive me. A woman made me do it. (Click to Play) Pamie I Need A Hero Check out whose science is too tight, yo. Bonnie Tyler best sit down. (Click to Play) Stefan Rotch Scherhard Livin' on a Prayer Eh look at deez nutz dey take tha cake, oh. you don't believe me? eh i cannot tell a lie. i'm honest jorj washinmachine over here oh. (Click to Play) Quister the Twister Gettin' Jiggy With It They lyrics, free from cussin' for all you kiddies out there, speak for themself: You tryin' to flex on me? Don't be silly... (Click to Play) The Soul Miner's Daughters Swing Low, Sweet Chariot Awwwwwwwww sheeeeeeeeiiit... Kristen, Tania and Deana come straight to you from the Soul Mines, bringing you their smooth jams from down below. They're hot, they're cool, they're the only black women in South Dakota. Go ahead and slide it in, baby! (Click to Play) Brittney the Disco Queen You Should be Dancing Eat your heart out boys and girls!!! The Bee Gee's spirit is captivated. (Click to Play) Brian Newlin Baby Got Back This one's for the ladies. (Click to Play) Janet 42 Blow the Man Down I AM ANGRY Who let the dogs out? WOOF WOOF (Click to Play) Brian Turney I Love You Baby Brian sings drunk in the Brak voice! (Click to Play) Brian Turney featuring Timb the Enchanter* No Nose Job A forgotten gem from Digital Underground performed in the throes of drunkeness... (Click to Play) Timb the Enchanter* Love you Till Tuesday Bowie's gayest song ever. (Click to Play) Marcus Alexander Hart* Arthur's Theme (The Best That You Can Do) Although I don't really remember anything about the movie Arthur, I have always been spellbound by the Alvin and the Chipmunks cover of this song. (Click to Play) Trixie Bedlam* I Can't Help Falling in Love with You Like, what's a Karaoke contest without the King, right? Fer sure! Anyway, I have a cold. Bite me. The Winners! September 29th, 2000 We have contacted the National Karaoke Service, and they have now officially classified the World's First Online Karaoke Contest as a "Class Five - Finger of God Success!" All day yesterday our ancient, steam-powered web server buckled and choked like Louie Anderson climbing a flight of stairs as it attempted to stream RealAudio simultaneously to thousands of eager judges. Defiantly, with its last coughing breath, it delivered the winners: First Place Allison 32.52% of the vote Second Place  Pamie  23.72% of the vote Third Place Quister the Twister 17.18% of the vote Yes, the ladies of pamie.com casually strolled into the competition late Wednesday night and proceeded to almost instantaneously stomp the faces of then-reigning, back-loving leader, Brian Newlin and the rest of the pack into the virtual dirt like so many cigarette butts in a Tarantino film. In fact, the misinformants would be remiss not to mention that it was almost entirely because of the Harlem halfcourt style trash talking that was transpiring at pamie.com that the contest was such as rousing success. Of course, we also have them to thank for sending our now-former web server to meet its maker. (Commodore, if I'm not mistaken...) Eeeking out the Soul Miner's Daughters in the last hour, Quister the Twister takes third place in what appeared to be a massive grassroots uprising for his cause. In less than 45 minutes, the Quister's tally skyrocketed from below 10 percent of the vote to over 17. Each of our three winners will now take home any item they damn well please from misbegotten: The misinformer.com store. The carpet, the doorknobs, anything. We don't care. You've earned it. The misinformants give a big shout out to all of the competitors in the World's First Online Karaoke Contest. As far as we're concerned, you're all winners in your own special way. Thank you all so very much for your participation, and for touching our hearts through music. If Frank Sinatra were alive today, he'd probably shed a tear... and then punch every last one of us in the belly. Hard. The Final Tally For you Statisticians out there who love to see graphs, here's how the vote stood at last call at 11:59 PM PST, Thursday September 28th, 2000. Allison     32.52% Pamie     23.72% Quister the Twister     17.18% The Soul Miner's Daughters     10.22% Brian Newlin     7.16% Brittney the Disco Queen     6.34% Janet 42     1.23% BrianTurney     0.82% Misty Bell     0.20% Matt     0.20% Peter Sofronas     0.20% Stefan Rotch Scherhard     0.20% * Songs submitted by the misinformants were for example purposes only. None of these clips were eligible to win, not so much because we're employees of misinformer.com as because we all suck. All content © 1999-2007 misinformer.com.   We are music, and we write the songs.