Okay, like every time I read the news, all I see is Napster this and Napster that. How they're going to court because some big shot recording industry crybabies are all, "Waaahh! I want more money! Don't download our music because you're our fans, and stuff!" Like, what's the sit'ch, bitch? Hey Lars, you know what kind of mondo gonzo elateorium I would be in if 500,000 people downloaded one of MY songs? Get over it, prick. Anyway, to make myself feel better about the fact that nobody and their brother is Napstering down some Misdemeanors goodness, I'm gonna show you five musical losers that are totally more losery than us from the deep heinous depths of...
Say what you will about my taste in music, but if it wasn't for the knowledge that my fuzzy pink brain sponged from Sing Along with JFK, I like, never would have passed American History in high school. No lie, guy.
Like that essay that I wrote about how Kennedy was confined to a wheelchair because his bogus little chicken legs were unable to carry his weight, both out of their own atrophy and like, the fact that they totally grow out of his chest. Eww!
I got bonus points for mentioning how much he liked to twist his own nipples. Perv.
I guess this John Astin sounding mofo saw the obvious shortcomings that the rest of us missed in the Bobby "Boris" Pickett and the Crypt Kickers version of the "Monster Mash," and decided to record his own cover, wrapped up like a deuce in a pack of horrible, horrible, God awful "parodies" of 60s superhits the likes of which would make "Weird Al" Yankovic totally pull off his own skin with a curling iron.
Amongst the rage inducing "comedy" tracks on the album are the blood pressure raising "Let's Twist Again (Mummy Time is Here)," and "Limb from Limbo Rock." None, however, are as inspired in their total slackitude as the alternate lyrics to "Monster Mash" that he calls "Gravy (With Some Cyanide)." Dude! It's one thing to make crapulatory alternate lyrics to a song, but to a song that you cover on the same album?! Damn Sam! You're so unoriginal you make the Abba Teens look like the Rolling Stones!
Forget your boy bands and your teen queens, this purple haired diva rocks out to super pop created through the exploitation of criminally underage child performers! Fer sure!
From their sassy performance of "Don't You Want Me" to their heart-wrenching rendition of "Ebony and Ivory", every last high pitched, squeaking minute of this album makes you wish that death would strike quickly and swiftly.
"Twy" as we might, we can't get no satisfaction. It makes me wonder why they chose to make these six year olds sing this song, considering they had to cut three quarters of the lyrics because they have to do with cigarettes and sex. Heck, the part that they DO sing implies that they drive cars. Whatever.
The Misdemeanors' next concert will be a charity event, with all proceeds to benefit the poor "Fame" kid. He was not only humiliated by being dressed up in a leotard and legwarmers, but then they broke him in half at the pelvis just for the sake of a "cute picture."
God damn you, K-Tel Records. God damn you to hell...
Yes, you read right. That's "Muplets." Like, not quite a Muppet, not quite a mullet.
Unless you're some kind of super freak Christian Audiophile, I'm willing to bet that there is no way in Satan's dark underworld that you've ever heard of Uncle Sam and the All Saved Muplet Band. In fact, if there's any goodness and decency in the world, the second this plastic picture disk monstrosity hit the shelves, Jim Henson and the United States government issued a joint lawsuit that laid some most righteous smack down on these yard sale carnival toys and their barfy bearded bandleader.
Okay, like, remember that part in Raiders of the Lost Arc where the Nazis put the Arc in that box, and it totally burns off the swastika on the side 'cause God is all pissed and stuff? I think the same thing is happening with this record. Like it's cheesing off God so much with its mere existence that he's warping it from the divine plane. Anyway, sorry about the skippy mp3.
Finally, an album cover that actually offers some insight into like, how movies are made. Forget everything that you learned on the Universal Studios tour, dig? This is the real process from whence movie magic is created:
Okay, first Van McCoy shoves a Casio Keyboard, a guitar, and a dead hooker into the gnashing metallic teeth of the Magnificent Music Machine. Those components are then mixed together in the churning bowels of this farting dog apparatus and totally vomited out of a horrible face in his keister.
From there, the hooker/instrument paste is saturated with homemade moonshine and projected onto the wall, using the flickering light of the same candle shoved in a Chianti bottle that not ten minutes earlier had illuminated Van's grodie face as he ate the poor lady of the night's liver.
When the process is completed, the filthy vermin in the yawning, featureless black void of Van McCoy's Magnificent Projection Room can enjoy a comically undersized tub of popcorn while enjoying The Donna Summer in an Embarrassing Blackmail Photo with Fashion Disaster Scarf/Shirt Thing and Visible Nippleage Story.
This is the only album ever with the steel cohones to make a medley out of "Lara's Theme" from Dr. Zhivago and the theme from Shaft.
Reel Two Medley
Download an MP3
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