Week of October 16th, 2000 Although we know it's hard to imagine, there was a time before misinformer.com existed. It was a dark age where the privilege of speaking to a global audience required more resources than an index finger and enough IQ to fill out the Geocities signup form. In these ancient times, the misinformants used to be sustenance comedians, hand crafting just enough jokes in their small mud huts to trade for the livestock, grains, and Betamax tapes they needed to survive. Now that it's the futuristic year 2000, and the internet has made sharing a joke easier than spreading a flu virus, we decided to sort through our catalog of barely-used comedy and share it with our new cyberpals. Unfortunately, when we started to write it all down, we began to realize that most of this stuff had a very limited window of comedic punch, and today is about as entertaining as a Whoopie Goldberg Oscar monologue. As funny as it was then, now it's all just a five-day groanfest we're calling... Expired Comedy Week By the misinformants Day 1 - Marcus Expiration Date: 09-14-97 Remember that movie Anaconda that came out a few years ago? The one with the giant snake? Okay, I didn't see it either, but you remember it, right? Now, there was a part in Sir Mix A Lot's "Baby Got Back" where he says "My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hon." Of course, he was talking about his penis and not an actual snake, but bear with me. I always thought it would be funny if the poster for Anaconda actually said "Anaconda: It don't want none unless you got buns, hon." If it were three years ago, and we were walking past the ol' Hollywood 20 and I said that, you'd have peed yourself. But today? Sadly, it's expired comedy.   An artist's interpretation of Ted Danson and Leo Sayer performing the theme song to TV's You Make Me Feel Like Danson. Day 2 - Caster Expiration Date: 11-06-93 You know that Leo Sayer song "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing?" Every time I hear that thing, I swear he's saying "Danson". Like Ted Danson. I had this concept for a TV Game show, hosted by Ted Danson called "You Make Me Feel Like Danson" where contestants would try to be the most like Ted Danson to win valuable prizes. The show's theme song would, of course, be the disco hit with the lyrics changed. Something like: You've got a cute way of talking, To your pals Norm and Woody. Just tap that beer keg and I'm watchin' like you were in Three Men and a Baby. I'm in a spin you know since I saw you in Creepshow... You make me feel like Danson! etc... Um... now that I write it out, it's really not that funny now, but it would have been a hoot back in the day. You know, back when Cheers was on, and they still played Leo Sayer on the radio... if those things ever both happened at the same time... oh what the hell, it's all expired comedy.   Day 3 - Mindy Expiration Date: 02-05-93 The other night I went out with some friends for sushi and my one friend did the funniest thing. He was so hungry he had chopsticks in both hands and was eating sushi with them. I said he looked like "Edward Sushi-hands". Since the movie Edward Scissorhands came out a long time ago I guess this was an expired comedy. I thought this was a funny thing for your feature. So I drew a picture to go with it. Look out, SPUNKY! You've got some competition. (just kidding) ^_^   Spike Jones Frankie Muniz Day 4 - Gary Expiration Date: 05-16-98 Okay, originally I thought I could do a funny little tie-in between the songs of Spike Jones and the more current-day parodist, "Weird Al" Yankovic. The idea was that I would learn the accordion, and then play a "Weird Al" melody, all the while setting off a Rube Goldberg device fraught with bells, whistles, and loaded revolvers. As time passed, and my skills in both the accordion, and finding a freakin' accordion proved to be entirely lacking, the idea waned until it was but a doodle in a scratch pad that I have since misplaced somewhere where I don't know where it is. Alternately, I thought it might be interesting to expound on my own personal belief that Malcolm in the Middle star Frankie Muniz is going to grow up to look nearly exactly like Spike Jones, and in fact may even be like his illegitimate great grandchild, if that's possible... In any case, these ideas, and in fact most of the ideas in that scratchpad (that I have purposely lost) all seemed like great ideas at the time. Sadly, they now exist as little more than expired comedy.   Day 5 - Timb (featuring Brian Turney) In my experience, there's nothing that's both as timeless, yet at the same time as expired as pun style porno movie titles. Pair this up with names of "the Smurfs you don't ever hear about" and you'll be knocking 'em dead from here to West Bumfuck. U-469 Expiration Date: Spring 2000 Would have made an excellent gay porn... submissive submarine sailor theme and all. Alas, we'll have to settle for regular gay porn. A Rubber Runs Through It Expiration Date: 1992 All I remember about that horrible chick-flick original was a lot of fly-fishing and Brad Pitt's ass. Well, let's just say that the porn stays true to the original. Mission Impregnable Expiration Date: 1996 So whodunnit? You won't know until the decidedly well-hung porn star pulls off the lookalike mask at this porn-thriller's stunning conclusion. E.T.: The Extra Testicle Expiration Date: 1980 Yep. Approved by third graders everywhere, it's the world famous Extra Testicle. This is so expired, I bet it turns your stomach just to have someone say it again, twenty years past its prime. The Filth Element Expiration Date: 1998 BIIIIG BADDA-BOOM! Leeloo Dallas, Multi-Ass. HomoCop Expiration Date: 1987 Part man. Part Machine. All Homo. Sperminator 2: Fudgement Day Expiration Date: 1992 Saying there's a second one would imply that they made "Sperminator, The", but I don't think they did. Citizen Kame Expiration Date: 1941 No one ever thought of this? Shame on you! It would star a young Orson "Hung" Welles as Charles Foster Kame, and it would have set the high watermark for the porno industry. When you go to the "classics" section in the smut shop and the earliest movie is some sickly 70s flick where the only things filthier than the guy's moustache are the heads on your VCR, it's time to reach over and get the true classic, Citizen Kame. Its old, its hard-core, and it has a running time of 230 minutes. Make sure you stick around for that tragic ending where ol' Charlie Kame dies immediately after his 100,000th orgasm... his last words? The cryptic "Pleasure-bud." All content © 1999-2007 misinformer.com.   Does this joke smell funny to you?