misinformer.com's Election 2000 Coverage Editorial: Coke or Pepsi 2000 Analysis: Bush: The Backwater Candidate November 9th, 2000 As the inaccuracies of the computer counted votes are thrown away in favor of votes counted by hand by my Aunt Mabel's bridge club, we turn once again to misinformer's own political pundit for commentary... Election 2000 Analysis: Bush: The Backwater Candidate By Timb the Enchanter Have you taken a good hard look at this shit? Did you notice how Gore won every state that you wouldn't mind living in, and how Bush seemed to win every backwards, fucked-up, cousin kissin' redneck hellhole? Washington? California? Illinois? New York? Pretty much all of New England? Gore. Alabama? Arkansas? Kentucky? North and South Carolina? All of the middle? All of the South? Bum Fucking Egypt? Deliverance? Bush. My theory is that people that don't live in cities are stupid. I know that's not quite PC, but just look at it this way: if you live in Mossyhead, FL (a truckstop between Tallahassee and Pensacola, and the Mecca for car breakdowns) and if you can convince your entire family to vote for Bush, then he'll carry a landslide victory in your county! Lord almighty, he might e'en be gittin' himself a durned ol' shut-out! Great. By this example, you can count on the property values to plummet if Bush won in your district. You can bet there'll be a one-wheeled car and a overturned toilet on your front porch within a week. And just look at this map of who won what counties in Florida! With the minor exception of Tallahassee, it practically has a second function if you want to use it as a map of all the cool, safe places to go and the horrible places to stay away from. On my corrected map, I'll make Tallahassee extra red. It seems the only people who voted for Bush are in someplace that's so ass-backwards that they must have no fucking clue what's going on. Maybe Gore's not the best choice (Vote for Nader or THE BODY!), but at least people in cities have sense enough NOT to vote for Bush! Show this map to your parents and friends when they come to visit: "the blue areas are fun and happy, but for THE LOVE OF GOD STAY THE HELL AWAY from the RED AREAS! RED means BLOOD and THAT SHOULD STRIKE FEAR INTO YOUR PUNY HEARTS! You may be forced to the ground and sodomized by toothless car mechanics and gored by/fed to oversized pigs and various livestock if you venture out of the 'safe zone.'" You've been warned. All content © 1999-2007 misinformer.com.   Proud Americans since 1998.