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November 20th, 2000
It's Thanksgiving, and that means it's time once again to thwart the turkey-pushing advances of loving family members intent on gorging your waiflike body until your big fat gut bulges over the top of your pants like a gravy filled water balloon shoved into a shot glass. You can skip that post-holiday rush to join a health club if you use my foolproof technique for attending holiday functions without gaining those unwanted pounds.
Submitted by Jeremy James Illustrations by Caster
1. Whenever you're asked about your job simply tell them that you've quit
your current occupation and have taken up cannibalism full-time. Pull out salt and
pepper shakers and eye your family member hungrily as if you're picturing them as a T-bone steak in a tweed jacket. This will not only make that nosy individual nervous enough to stop prying into your personal life, but will also give you an excuse not to eat anything on the buffet table. Just keep asking: "Is this Uncle Fred?"
3. Show up nude! Nobody will talk to you and you'll probably be asked to
leave before they even serve the first course. (If you're worried about your dignity, just remember: They're family! You have no dignity!)
4. Always sit next to the oldest member of your clan, family, or tribe at the dinner table. You'll spend the meal answering so many questions about your miserable life, failed relationships, and financial ruin that you'll only get enough time to take one, maybe two, bites from your plate before they are cleared and put away. Crisis averted, problem solved, waistline intact.
6. Tell everybody you have Turret's Syndrome and curse profusely. Sure, nobody's believed ANYBODY had Turret's since about 1995, but it's an excuse to finally tell Grandma what you REALLY think about her Fluffernutter Potatoes in short, uncontrolled bursts of profanity.
7. Invite everyone over to your house for the holiday for a change. Don't be
there when they show up. Go out to Denny's and have a great
Grand Slam Breakfast. Take my word for it, that's some good eatin'.
8. Bring up some past mistake that a fellow family member has made and sit
back to watch an argument ensue. When the dispute becomes heated, try to wedge your body between the two feuding parties. If you're lucky, one of them will
hit you by mistake and knock you out cold, thus saving your washboard stomach from an unsightly poultry-based bulge. Hospital food tastes better through a straw than Aunt Mae's Surprise Casserole anyway.
10. Don't show up! It's that simple!
All content © 1999-2007 misinformer.com. Up to our elbows in leftover Tofurkey...
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2. You know how every year the host will usually ask everybody to bring a
small side dish or desert, like cranberries or stuffing? This year bring a heaping bowl of live squid to the table, professing it's an ancient Japanese custom to eat squid on Thanksgiving. Then just take a big cleansing breath of air and let one of those icky little suckers slide down your throat. Not only will you not take another bite of ANY food substance for the rest of your life, but I'll place bets that everyone else around you won't either.
5. Tell your family you have to give your dog an emergency kidney transplant
and won't be able to attend the festivities. Give your regards and stay at home and watch a football game. For extra fun, actually give your dog an emergency kidney transplant.
9. Sit next to the person who has most recently had surgery of some kind,
and ask them repeatedly to see their scars. When they finally are annoyed enough to comply, scream, "I think I'm going to be sick!" and run to the nearest bathroom. Stay in there until it's time to leave. If anyone knocks on the door and asks if you are okay, just make gagging sounds and dump a glass of water into the toilet. It's hours of cellulite dodging fun!
