December 4th, 2000 I'm sure a lot of you think that working at an internationally known comedy web page is all just a big basket of fun and laughs, punctuated with the occasional whoopie cushion blast and rubber chicken slap. Unfortunately, it's not like that at all. To bring a smile to the lips of this small blue-green planet each Monday morning takes hundreds of grueling, torturous man hours of research and development every week. Under my own shrewdly calculative and whip-cracking guidance, misinformer.com has been honed from a group of far-flung, rag-tag misfits into a finely tuned, well-oiled German sports car of online comedy, a transformation the likes of which has not been seen since The Mighty Ducks, or The Mighty Ducks 2 or The Mighty Ducks 3. To show you just what I mean, I'd like to take you behind the scenes for a moment, and invite you to last week's online... misinformer.com staff meeting By Marcus Date: Mon, 27 Nov 2000 17:18:44 -0400 From: Marcus Alexander Hart To: #misinformants Subject: Staff Memo - Monday, November 27th, 2000 Hey gang, Great job on the feature this week everybody. You can't go wrong posting pictures with wacky captions. Thanks for the tip Trixie. Special thanks to all of you who participated in the Doo-Dah Parade. For those of you who didn't, screw you, losers. You guys suck. According to the schedule, next week is Gary's turn to write a feature. We'll have our IM meeting later today. Same bat time, same bat channel. -- m   marcus: Hello misinformants. I'd like to thank you all for logging in to this week's staff meeting on time. Now let's get started. << User gary-lou-who has logged in >> gary-lou-who: Hey everybody! I just figured something out. Did you ever notice how when you're drinking a Pepsi, there's always that little bit of sweet sugary fluid that you can't quite get out of the can, no matter how hard you suck on the opening? Well I went down to Home Depot and I bought one of those paint shaking machines and a high pressure air compressor... marcus: Okay, that's really great, but let's talk about this week's feature before we delve into that any further. Palabra jot, palabra jot, the club is now in session. gary-lou-who: So I theorized that the excess Pepsi could be forced out of the chamber if I could create a great enough difference in atmospheric pressure between the inside of the can and the outside. Of course, the problem that then came up is this: if I've got the compressor hooked up to the opening, or the "drinky hole" if you will, where is the liberated Pepsi supposed to go to escape its aluminum prison? Where I ask you? SPUNKY: Gary, did you know that you can buy a full 20 ounces of fresh, new Pepsi for only 50 cents out of a vending machine? gary-lou-who: Well, of course, but the thing is... SPUNKY: And how much have you spent so far on this invention? gary-lou-who: You didn't let me get to the best part. The paint shaker's vibrations combined with the last vestiges of the soda's carbonation vaporizes the remaining beverage into a gas that can then be extracted with a hypodermic needle... SPUNKY: HOW MUCH!? gary-lou-who: So far, $217. But I'm not finished with it yet... timbunny: pepsi sux! fuck that shit! PABST BLUE RIBBON! MelindaAnnRoundabout: LOL! You guys are all so SILLY! :-) TrixieRox: Hey boys, this is all, like, super awesome and stimulating chat and all, but could we wrap this up sometime before Buffy comes on? rcaster1138: Uh, Buffy isn't on until tomorrow night. TrixieRox: Duh. My point exactly, brainiac. marcus: Okay, I know you all have important nothing else to be doing right now, so I'll try to keep this week's meeting brief. I swear, working with you people is like trying to get a special ed class to launch a space probe. rcaster1138: Huh huh... he said probe. marcus: Thanks Caster. I said probe. Huh huh. Try to come up with a new joke this decade, dumbass. Okay, the schedule says this week is Gary, so Gary, what fresh new comedy do you have for us? Private message from SPUNKY: (Five bucks says he's got nothing.) Private message from timbunny: (me and my pal alexander hamilton bet you he calls thesis) marcus (Private to SPUNKY and timbunny): (You're on. He wouldn't be dicking around with Pepsi molecules if he wasn't already done with his feature. Have a little faith.) gary-lou-who: Actually, I meant to tell you this before. I have endless amounts of work to do for next Friday's huge end of semester critique, along with portfolio things, and packing to go home on Saturday. Private message from SPUNKY: (Ha ha! Pay up, loser.) Private message from timbunny: (boo-yah! I happily accept pay-pal.) marcus (Private to SPUNKY and timbunny): (Aww! You guys suck!) gary-lou-who: I can do something once I'm home, for that monday, but right now, me passing this year hangs in the balance. And if I fail this time, my mother's disowning me. I can't in good conscious take time off to do it this week. marcus: That's fine. Don't worry about it. It's not like it costs me fifteen bucks everytime you do this or anything. gary-lou-who: What? marcus: Er... nothing. TrixieRox: Look guys, you've got like five more minutes of Trixie Time before the Britney Spears concert comes on TV an I am sooo out of here. SPUNKY: Britney Spears concert?! gary-lou-who: Whoa! What channel? rcaster1138: Now I'm pulling off my black fish-net stockings... slowly... seductively... inch by inch, my smooth, inviting, creamy white thighs become visible to the gathered congregation. marcus: Caster! What the hell was that?! rcaster1138: Holy shit! I... sorry about that, I've got another IM window open and I just typed into the wrong one. I was... um... shit. MelindaAnnRoundabout: I think I'm going to be sick! :-P timbunny: i dunno. i think it's kind of sexxy. marcus: Alright, look you chimps. Somebody has got to write a new feature for Monday, and Gary is out. So who's it gonna be? SPUNKY: Not me! TrixieRox: Like, not me! rcaster1138: Not me! MelindaAnnRoundabout: Not me! (He he! Sorry! :-) marcus: It's like living in a Family Circus cartoon. timbunny: why don't you just do it, marcus? marcus: Aww, come on guys. I did last week. It's somebody else's turn. timbunny: oooh yeah. writing those hilarious captions for those pictures. that must have taken you all of ten minutes, herr editor. marcus: At least I showed up for the parade, fetish prince. What were you doing that you were too busy to join us, huh? timbunny: uh, i think i was busy LIVING 3000 FUCKING MILES AWAY, dickweed. marcus: Whatever man. I rode all the way across the country with Gary's dumb ass on a RAZOR SCOOTER for NO REASON. How hard is it for you to just buy a goddam plane ticket? timbunny: sorry dude. i hope you still love me. marcus: Aww, it's alright, man. I just can't stay mad at you. You're so damn cute. TrixieRox: Ding ding! And this week's meeting finally has totally homosexual overtones. It's been like, almost six minutes. That's a new record for you guys, fer sure! I am so outie. marcus: Wait! Not until we figure out who's reporting this week! timbunny: i'd do it, but i'm down here with dawn for this weekend already. i called in sick today to come hang out. i don't think i'll realistically be able to pull off anything other than just hanging around here and being a worthless POS while dawn does her thesis. gary-lou-who: Foul! I call foul! Thesis is my excuse! You can't use your girlfriend's thesis as an excuse. timbunny: okay. if i have some sudden blur of inspiration for humor's sake i'll definitely send it off to you, but as much as dawn's on this computer, and as gelatin as my brain is right now from being away from Orlando, i would say its unlikely at best. bunny out. << User timbunny has logged out >> marcus: Whoa! Wait! Nobody else logs out until we settle this! I mean it! TrixieRox: Oooh! Britney concert starting! Rock out, guys! Later! << User TrixieRox has logged out >> gary-lou-who: Dammit! What channel!? Oh, I'll find it. How many channels can there be? << User gary-lou-who has logged out >> MelindaAnnRoundabout: Oh no! I think the little girl I'm babysitting is choking on a... I mean, she just fell down the... I gotta go! :-O << User MelindaAnnRoundabout has logged out >> marcus: Next person that logs out is SO FIRED! I'm not kidding! SPUNKY: Ha! Like you can run this site without me. Go ahead, boy genius. Fire me. << User SPUNKY has logged out >> marcus: Okay Caster, looks like it's just you and me. Do you have any good ideas for this week? rcaster1138: well, the thi marcus: Excuse me? rcaster1138: sorry i accifenyally hit the return ky wehen i was judt writing bavk marcus: Did you just have a stroke? What the hell is the matter with you? rcaster1138: nothing i rcaster1138: m fine. damn i hit it again. do you hav e anyi deas that you want to do/ marcus: You're typing with one hand, aren't you?! rcaster1138: oh im such a naughy littlke schoolgirl! marcus: Goddamit Caster! You're typing in the wrong window again! Screw this. Since Gary's too busy to write a feature, there just wont BE a feature. You guys all suck. << User marcus has logged out >> rcaster1138: no its noty a fake credfit card number! oh crap BYE << User rcaster1138 has logged out >>   Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2000 03:11:03 EST From: Gary Fixler To: Marcus Alexander Hart Subject: Physics Update Sorry I had to take off on the staff meeting yesterday. I've got a lot of thesis work to do, and I wanted to get a jump on its bitch ass, ASAP. I mean it, I am a laserbeam of focused concentration until my critique. Every second of my life that's not occupied with maintaining the very basest needs of my physical biology is going to be spent cranking out the most bomb-assingest thesis ever. Eating and sleeping are getting ten minutes a day split between them, and going to the bathroom and bathing are on temporary hiatus until this is all over. Eye of the tiger, baby. Eye of the tiger. Anyway, last night I ended up going to see Charlie's Angels again (it's better the fifth time. No really.) and they showed the preview for Vertical Limit. It's about the crew of morons who get trapped on a mountain trying to save some other idiot who got trapped on said mountain. Anyway, what I'm getting to here is the 600 yard long jump the guy makes to the other mountain. I'm not sure if he makes it, as they cut away at the moment that he would "apparently" hit the other mountain top, but I feel the physics of the event needs to be set straight. When jumping, the distance one travels forward plots a nearly linear path. In fact, if anything, the linearity falls off in the "slowing down due to air resistance" direction. Additionally, the velocity toward earth is a function of a quadratic equation that pretty much says that every second you're falling, you're falling about twice as fast as you were the second before. This happens until you reach a terminal velocity, which is based on air resistance. If there was no air, you'd keep accelerating. The air keeps you from falling infinitely fast. This phenomena has been exploited heavily by the magical men and women who fly hangliders, and avoid death for fun, with parachutes. All this having been said, clearly, even the best jumpers in the world can only go like 20 to 30 feet. Ah yes, some say, but that's because they are jumping and landing on the same surface. If one were jumping between, say, mountains, they could keep going forward as they fell! Okay, this IS true. But the vertical distance you would need to go through to make up that horizontal distance that I saw in the trailer..? You'd be dead. Speaking of distances, and moreover, time, the time he flies through the air is about 5, maybe 6 seconds. To jump off a roof and fall this long, you'd need to be on top of something like the Empire State building. And the same thing that happens when you land on the sidewalk in front of the empire state building also happens when you land on an opposing mountain. And another thing, with the distance this guy "flies" through the air to reach the other mountain as a reference, I'd be able to leap off the empire state building and go about 20 city blocks before I hit the ground. Whatever. In conclusion, he would drop like a rock, probably bouncing down the mountain he was trying to leap from, the guy in True Lies would have smashed his motorcycle on the street below, and as for Speed, buses can't jump, most especially when there isn't a ramp present. Still, the guy had two bitchin' ice picks in his hands and it really looked like he flew that distance. I gotta see if he sticks the landing... This movie's gonna kick some ass! -G PS. And NO, I can't do a feature this weekend. I'm sorry. And I really really really want to. I miss writing features. I'm just so busy that I have no time to think about anything but my thesis. I'm yours after this critique, promise. I'll be misinforming from NJ for a few weeks. I'm just as funny there, some say moreso, due to parental repression. All content © 1999-2007 misinformer.com.   Prevent an aneurysm. Submit a feature.