December 11th, 2000 You know there are a few things that you can't joke about. You shouldn't make jokes about queers, retards, junkies, and the homeless. Since I am a retarded, queer-bait junkie with no home of my own, I feel I have some license to break silly rules like this. Hell, I think I'm funny, so I must have a problem. I find homeless people to be very amusing. They don't have a place to sleep, and that is very funny. Go ahead, laugh. HomelessFest 2000 By Timb the Enchanter Being ahead of the commercial marketing game ain't easy. Take it from me. I know that there's a resurgence of homeless nostalgia reshaping for this new decade. You remember how popular homelessness was back in 90s? Well, spread the word! Vagrant chic is making a comeback! In preparation for the biggest thing of the true new millennium, we recently took a trip to Oklahoma in search of the legendary 70s rockers, The Oklahomeless. You may remember some of the songs they wrote in 1978, during that six month stretch where rock bands felt the necessity to write songs about Indians. We failed in our efforts to locate them, though I'm sure they are still there somewhere. Although the Oklahomeless remained elusive, it was much easier to spot those scary, backwoods closet queers and consummate 70s punk act, The Oklahomasexuals. They toured with The Damned back in '79. It was a rendezvous that, to this day, still has no peer. In retrospect, I'm pretty damn sure that this is the state where they filmed Deliverance. The Oklahomasexuals still truly have the magic that made them famous, too. God damn, my asshole is swollen. While spending the night in a Los Angeles homeless shelter, Friends star David Schwimmer becomes somebody's bitch. While in "the OK state," I made several visits to the homeless shelter. I don't understand that place at all. I mean, I understand the animal shelter. How come at the homeless shelter I can't adopt a cute little homeless man for my kids? The place makes sure they have their shots and stuff like that, and I promise I can supply a dollar or more in change, along with 40 ounces of malt liquor per night to keep my homeless adoptee happy and healthy. I'd keep 'em chained up in the backyard, and let 'em stick his head out the window when he's in the car. You bet I would! And another thing: they don't even have the common decency to put the homeless to sleep after they've been in the shelter for too long. Its the only humane thing to do. Nobody wants them, after all. The animal shelter has all their shit together, so get it right, homeless shelter! But finding the Oklahomeless that I loved so much in my youth was only the first step in my plan to cash in on the new homeless fad. I'm also starting my own line of homeless merchandising. One of my first commercial ventures will be in my specific line of work: video games. In the fine tradition of SimCity, look for "SimHomeless" in the fourth quarter of this year. Your objective will be to fend off your homeless competitors, scrape enough money together to buy some booze and get your fix, and then find a nice, garbage can campfire and a warm place to sleep for the night. Find the most frequently trafficked corner in the downtown zones and come up with clever panhandling catch lines that will get you the most coin, like: "Hey brother, you got a penny or a dime? Anything would help," or "I only need 50 more cents, and I can get into the shelter and have a bed tonight," or even try "Hey I took a God damn bullet in the Civil War! Can't you help a vet get a God damn beer?" Will your technique be passive or hostile? You decide! Its a challenge the whole family will enjoy! For all of you who are already homeless, and ready to cash in big time on the new trend, check out my new paper, the Homeless Times, to see the latest "hotspots" in your town. Stay away from where the snobby, and more than often, non-generous rich people mingle. Stay in the parts teeming with tourists and working middle-class. They don't stand a chance against your finely-honed coin-clutching abilities. Find out what restaurants have the best dumpsters for all of your diving needs. Chicken and pasta may be faggy, but it's better than smoking rock on an empty stomach. You know what a bitch that is. Keep your eyes open in your own neighborhood for my second venture into the never-ending homeless fad, "Homeless Depot". This will be your one-stop shop for everything you need to be the most prosperous homeless person in your town! Rusty shopping carts, recycling bins, disposable crack pipes, and those hard-to-get cardboard signs. Choose to your liking. "Homeless vet, hungry, please help" or "Mother of three, living in a tent" and the ever-popular "Will twurk for food," all sloppily hand-written and poorly centered on a slightly-torn panel from a cardboard box. Choose one, or buy the whole set! Our signs are all guaranteed to get the maximum sympathy from your clientele! See you in the streets! All content © 1999-2007 misinformer.com.   Sometimes you just need to pretend that everyone is endowed with an enormous sense of humor, just like you.