December 18th, 2000 I can remember it to this day... There I was. I was so excited, my saliva changed flavor. Now it was just like someone else's saliva. I didn't want to wake my parents. I was dressed in my Halloween ninja costume, but this wasn't Halloween at all. This was Christmas! Under the tree I slid, silently, a grasshopper, keeping a careful vigil on the hallway in case my parents decided to wander in like they ALWAYS do somehow to catch me red-handed. But I just had to know... What's Under the Giftwrap? By Gary It was around 3am, and the sweat was pouring from my scalp, down my back, through my elastic ninja waistband and into my buttcrack. The sensation was more than enough to send me into violent giggles, and yet I made no sound. I stood my ground as my underoos filled with sweat, and my mouth filled with an odd flavor not unlike lemons and mint toothpaste. I was going to find out what that one final present was... That one final present that had eluded all my other forms of present espionage. MRI's, CAT scans, sonic resonance imaging - they had all proven futile against this presumably lead-lined sarcophagus. And then it occured to me. Had I bothered to simply shake the package and listen for clues to it's interior? I hadn't! Slowly I lifted the present, carefully avoiding the jingly booby traps hanging all around me. I had about 1 foot of clearance in which to perform the shake. Too loud and I'd arouse supsicion with the parents, and dad can get awfully careless with the shotgun when he suspects prowlers. It was now or never. This is why I was here. Gently, I shook the package. BWEEENOOOOOOWEEEENOOOOWEEEENOOOOO! AHHHH! My life was OVER! What was happening? 100 decibel screams were ripping from the package, making my hair stand on end and shattering several strands of lights around me. And then I figured it out... I couldn't believe they had actually gotten it for me! My very own motion-detecting burglar alarm! I'd wanted one of these for years! I didn't know whether to scream for joy that my gift-request prayers had been answered, or try to figure out a way out of there, since dad was most certainly loading in the second pheasant cartridge by now. With my options limited to "become an ornament" or "run straight through the living room window and don't come back 'til they forget how mad they are and offer a reward for finding me," I decided that disfiguring scars were more cool than not and smashed my way into the front yard. Sweet freedom, how I would enjoy you when at last my skin had sealed up again!   Hi, I'm Gary Fixler, star of the all-too-tragically based-on-a-true-story "Shopping Maul," and the humorous and now cult classic, "Kringlenacht." From the "Buckaroo Electric Mule-Bucker," to the "Fabulous Kid-Skinner," right down to the ever popular "Exploding Non-Present in a box," my yearly gifts have caused me far more pain before Christmas than joy after, but here's the catch: I wouldn't have it any other way! I train hard to take the kicks to the groin, and explosions to the face that make Christmas what it is to me. But I'm a professional. I wouldn't recommend or endorse this kind of obviously retarded behavior to anyone. However, in the ever-quickening pace of our holiday shuffle, too often we forget the simple things that used to make Christmas safe. Things like removing the blasting caps from that quarterstick before wrapping it, or unloading that pump-action rifle BEFORE little Timmy excitedly rips it open on Christmas morning. Even NOT buying your kid a beeper, 'cause it's only going to catalyze their already budding cocaine addiction and get them to join a gang where they'll get shot, is better than nothing. It's because of this carelessness, and this recent dramatic rise in present-opening tragedies that I have decided to develop a short online test. My hope is that it will aid you in recognizing what's inside of a package, long before you unleash potential death on yourself, and your family. TAKE THE TEST! All content © 1999-2007 misinformer.com.   The Fabulous Kid Skinner, on sale now - $19.95!