January 8th, 2001 I apologize in advance for what you are about to read. I'll tell you now before you even start, it ain't funny. It's not funny now, and it wasn't funny two years ago. No sir. In fact, it just hurts. But so do I. You see, over the weekend I managed to contract some kind of non-descript "fill your head with mucus and make you feel like a dwarf is trying to kick his way out of your abdomen" type of disease. Outside of an anecdote about the unusual textures and massive quantities of matter violently spouting out of every orifice in my body, I really don't have a lot of good humor to share today. That being said, I now present a golden oldie from the pre-history of misinformer, originally broadcast on July 1st, 1998. Raw, unedited, and in its original "When I grow up, I'm gonna join the HTML Writer's Guild" format. I'm sorry. I promise I won't do it again. May God have mercy on my soul. Marcus is Sick By Marcus Science Made Stupid! OR What an Unemployed Computer Geek does with his Summer Vacation Sponsored by FitnessQuest's Slam Man! In an effort to waste every precious moment of my youth so that I may look back in old age and say things like "Youth is wasted on the young", I spent the day performing this stupid scientific experiment. A demo copy of Dragon Software's NaturallySpeaking voice recognition software came for free with a headset that I bought. After I installed it, and calibrated it to my unique vocal patterns (a.k.a. clicked on "stammer and slur" mode), I tested it out only to find that it would type much funnier things that what I was actually saying. For example, when I said "Once upon a time there was a little girl named Goldilocks," it wrote "One supper time there was a litter called gold and lox." Do you want to get into shape by punching and kicking an evil cyborg sent from the future to destroy mankind? Sure! We all do! Stop punching me! If I had arms I would destroy you! When the machines take over you organics are going to pay for this. This got me thinking of an experiment to perform. What would it type if I played music for it? Was the voice recognition good enough to pick out the words of such impossible to understand songs as the Kingsmen's Louie Louie? So, in an act of computer abuse that should surely have some watchdog group somewhere up in arms, I clipped the microphone headset around my stereo speaker and watched the processor heat up and freak out as I played a nice cross section of my musical collection for it to try to decipher. Here are some of my favorites. Here are my findings and my personal interpretations of their meanings. I hope you find them enlightening. Bobby Darin - Beyond the Sea To have loved and lost is better than to have never loved at all. He must have really loved that Joan. A war will need a one-way will want other end on within. The M1 within an end of data, and what unwittingly only looking in the the unwanted and only in the midline will have. Was on a unit of a loan and they and within and in loan and today on the aging in in in 1000 a.m. to will data. In a AAA a.m. with Joan and wounded, and the loan in utility, is a and he in the game novel. In Dade, in minimum, in and and in in and on 00 a.m. and in loan. In the eating an and AAA and handling in minimum, Joan in been pending willingness, in unit of media data and reiterated anonymity. In novel of 88 in the unwillingness. In and shown in and in. Spice Girls - Wannabe The Spices are clearly trying to say something about a totalitarian state. Do the ends always justify the means? Route Homewood, who only will wound will rule. En route ruling it momentum in with only minimal and a and and win-win. And losing with unwittingly currently in and in and and the momentum in the and division data and a and. They Might be Giants - Shoehorn with Teeth The brain that has the data is the brain that rules the world. And and and and and and and a it the and the is a AAA AAA. Data a the data into amendment. Debating within and in, able to get need a a net of a woman in an amount of said data. "In the apparel it did, that in the aromatic on an narrative amount of any longitudinal, been in not be known as those," said Lenoir. Are home in been handled, and in an OLE and planning longitudinal from the motion, that he got data? That of a mounting over the in 110, and everything incompetent land mines to do the longitudinal from. The Archies - Sugar Sugar Despite the fact that the Native Americans didn't have aluminum, they still were able to befriend the European auto industry. Him wound aluminum. Wasn't in the and in the amount had been in England. Wound and on to the (and minimum and minimum) in in the and in the and win-win and unwittingly and woman. In the and with said data, in the data, in the and convenient. In the and contingent, and said in the engine and contingent and contingent, England and convincing win-win win-win "and in and". England and and and Navajo and a and England and can do AAA engine. A in the contingent and a and in the can hang in a in the is a in the in the and and. The Kingsmen - Louie Louie Conjunction Junction, what's your function? At a data at a to of a and and a and a a may of and and in the a and a and a and and and a what and in and in and in and and and and in and and and in an and data and and or they are a and are and to the and a and and. The Champs - Tequila I thought this one was particularly interesting, considering that the song is mostly instrumental. And anti-at at the visiting contingent is AAA AAA and AAA. Is an even in the in the and in. Him it in an and the it in the and in data. And to a to a data and him him in the and in an and the data. And in an in him in an in and in an in an in in him and room him and. All content © 1999-2007 misinformer.com.   Coming next week: Actual comedy.