The moment I pulled the PS3 from its protective styrofoam casing, I could already tell that I held in my trembling hands not only the most powerful and awe-inspiring game machine ever made, but the most incredibly important and cosmically significant invention of all time. It was a feeling I hadn't experienced since that Christmas when I got my first Atari 2600. Okay, so that time I was mistaken, but this time I'm sure that someday our grandchildren will ask "Grandpa, what was life like in the dark ages before Playstation 3 brought peace and enlightenment to our fragile Earth?" Mark my words.
To the naked eye, the Playstation 3 looks as one might expect a high-precision, THX-dwarfing, polygon-churning, nitro-burning funny processor would. It's kind of, you know, metallic and shiny, with blinking lights all over it, and a lot of really cool and unique looking ports on the back.
It takes your breath away. It makes your heart feel like it's going to fold inside itself with awe. Just when you think your mind will explode from the sheer incomprehensibility of it all, you notice the big glittery "3" painted in the middle of the CD door, and you are reminded that this isn't some kind of robotic monster sent from the next millennium to destroy us, but the newest love child of our caring and sharing Playstation family.
Still shaking with the pride and excitement of being chosen from the thousands of members of the press to receive the PS3 to America, I immediately strapped on my headset phone and called the information hotline number on the included memo. Without further ado, I proudly present my exclusive interview with Sony Computer Entertainment of Japan's Head of Top Secret Super Lucky Technology, Mr. Johnny Usohappyaku.
Sony: Herro. Thees isa Sony Compyooter Entatainment of Japan. Ret's talk, okay?
misinformer: Hello, what? Um... is this Mr. Usohappyaku? I just received a Playstation 3 in the mail, and I wanted to ask you about...
Sony: Ahh-so! You a super-rucky rucky man, you! We only senda one Praystation 3 to America fora sneek preview, and you at ign.com win rottery! Congraturatons!
mis: Actually this is misin... ign.com, yes. Hi there.
mis: So Mr. Usohappyaku, I can't tell you how excited I am to have this machine in my hands. I could pee myself, I really could. Would you walk me through the new features of the PS3?
Sony: Ah yes. I ama so happy to help you, Mr. Potty man. The Praystation 3 is a super advanced machine of technology. It will confuse and amaze you two times. Rooka at the back of the machine.
mis: I've noticed there are a few thrillingly exotic looking integrated modules on this machine that I've never seen on any console before. What is this first one on the left here labeled "internet?"
Sony: Whaa? Are you a stupid man? It isa Internet in the port!
mis: So you mean, you can plug a phone line into it and play multi-player games online, like with the Dreamcast?
Sony: Dreamcast? Ha ha, funny stupid yankee! You dishonor me with your mention of this Dreamcast. The Praystation 3 does not connect to internet, Praystation 3 CONTAIN the internet. You prugga in the computer to the port, the internet isa all there. We copy it inside machine for fast access.
mis: Wait, so you're saying that you copied every single file on the internet into this box? That doesn't even make any sense! The internet is a constantly changing network of millions of individual machines. How does the PS3 update its so called "internet" if it has no connections to the real network?
Sony: Thasa right. No connections. Praystation 3 get internet from outerspace.
mis: And its power?
Sony: It run on love.
mis: What about the black device on the right labeled "MOD chip!"
Sony: Aaaieee. Why do we bother to label English if you are too stupid and dumb to read and understand!? It is a prug-in MOD chip.
mis: You mean that "game enhancer" that makes it possible to play illegal home-burned copies of games? I don't get it. Why would you make it possible to pirate your own games?
Sony: You Americans, you all are a stealing thief horde of Mongols! We thinking, if we cannot stop you to put irregal chip in machines, you just pay us for chip and we makea more money, right on. Prus, you need to pray all good games Japanese anyway.
mis: Dare I ask what the "Clapper" device built into the center is used for?
Sony: CRAP ON! *CRAP CRAP* CRAP OFF *CRAP CRAP* CRAP ON CRAP OFF, THE CRAPPER! HA HA!
The PS3's multi-media capabilities came through our tests with flying colors. The console not only played an old VHS tape of Perfect Strangers, but also The New Adventures of Mary Kate and Ashley for Gameboy, and a 1972 Clue board game.
mis: Of course. I assume in addition to helping old women turn off their televisions in the middle of the night, the Playstation 3 will also play CDs and DVDs like its antiquated predecessor, the Playstation 2?
Sony: DVD isa old news. The Praystation 3 pray any kind of media.
mis: Well besides DVDs and CDs, what other disc based media is there?
Sony: No, risten: ARR media. Not just disc. It pray DVD, it pray VHS, Beta, it pray SyQuest, it pray record, it pray 8 track, it pray EVERYTHING!
mis: So the PS3 is backwards compatible with all the ancient PS1 and classic PS2 titles?
Sony: Is PS1 and PS2 part of ARR MEDIA?
mis: Er... I suppose so.
Sony: Then it pray! How hard to understand is this, stupid fat man?
mis: Let's change gears and talk about the controller for a minute. This thing really looks fully kick ass! I counted 83 buttons on the device total. Considering the average human has only ten digits, doesn't that many inputs make gameplay almost completely impossible?
Sony: The Praystation 3 hava the most advanced controller ever made. Isa more advanced than controls for Concorde airplane! Its use require discipline and many hours of training with a master. You are young and impulsive. You are a weak germ. You are not worthy of the Praystation 3 controller.
mis: The spec sheet that came in the box claims that each controller costs in the neighborhood of 60,000 Yen. That's 500 dollars! Isn't that a little pricey?
Sony: Oh sure. You whine lazy American. What you build for 500 American dollars? Ford Focus? Ha ha ha!
mis: Touche. This controller does seem to have a lot of... for lack of a better word... crap all over it.
Sony: Ah, yes. Thanka you. The sides Praystation 3 controller have a infa-red frashright for night time playing of the games, prus a bottle opener for opening the beers.
mis: This is one of my favorite innovations of the console so far. If only you had integrated a toilet into the base unit, I'd never leave the couch!
Sony: You no funny. Isa bad scat joke number two. You no talk now no more. You are a suck.
mis: Sorry, my bad. Please continue.
Sony: The PS3 controller also have egg of Sirry Putty and a Rubber Ducky built in.
mis: Are they meant to specially interact with a certain game, like the Samba De Amigo maracas or something?
Sony: No. They just fun. Rubber Ducky, it goes squeek!
mis: There seems to be a mini-game built onto the right wing that's akin to the VMU on Dreamcast.
Sony: Ack! I will bury my fist of fury in your puny skull if you compare mighty PS3 to weak Dreamcast once more! Is not like VMU is better!
mis: How so?
Sony: Because it on console that not suck, that how! Ha ha!
mis: I see. The back of the controller sports a device that I've never seen anything like on any console before. Tell me a little more about JUMBO CLIPTM technology.
Sony: Some machine, they make you buy extra strategy guide and memory card and game shark to use cheat code, but not a Praystation 3. We have a special input srot on controller that connect paper thin memory units to remember special codes and power ups.
mis: Well, that's totally amazing, not to mention completely retarded. Thank you very much for your time, Mr. Usohappyaku. It's been a pleasure talking with you. I'm going to lord this over my peers for the upcoming months until the PS3 comes out in the States, then for another six months as they all scramble to get their understocked machines from eBay for ludicrously inflated prices.
Sony: You are a great friend and ally. I wish you much happiness with new Praystation 3. For American you are not so stupid. Later jolly potato, see ya.
More on the Playstation 3:
04-11-2003 - Playstation 3 pinched by Australians!
04-28-2003 - Playstation 3 makez ppl STOOPID!
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