February 5th, 2001 People are sooo lazy. I completely understand admiring stuff and photocopying it and pasting it all around you, and trying on hairstyles you see. I even like swapping clothes with strangers, male or female, but movies... Aye yai yai... *shakes head in embarrassment and quiet speculation* Is there like one company in California that decides how everything's gonna be done for the next several years, and everyone's gotta follow it? Is it like the American National Standards Institute (ANSI)? Sometimes I get the feeling that the motto of all Hollywood screenwriters, producers, and directors is "Well, I made it this far, I might as well give up." Take movie trailers for instance... Trailer Trash By Gary I think about every action movie in the past two, maybe three years has created its trailer in about exactly the same way. Using my uncanny ability to watch things on screen and dissect them brilliantly for what they are, I've determined that the very first action movie trailer was great, and so is every one since, because they've all been the same. At least recently. If you want to be famous and well loved for not showing off, or for not sticking out in the sea of copycat package-and-release-it-yesterday numbness, here's the way: Step 1: The Opening Fade from black to dark. We want to show something slow and calming. Quiet. Driving music is okay, but it must be subdued. The main character is doing something quirky that doesn't make any noise. Like filing her nails, or doing her taxes - under water! Mayhaps he or she is just staring at you. Whatever. Something odd, in a dark location. Here are some examples from actual movies you can watch. Movie: Tomb Raider In this Shot: Angelina Jolie Location: A creepy ass movie theatre in Communist China (facing the exits and the projection booth) Action: Getting in the way of the projector / looking sexy / playing "giant" with the enormous face Noise: None   Movie: Final Fantasy In this Shot: The Klingon Home World Location: Sector 7G, sub area 132 - I don't know. What do you think I am? For all I know we're really tiny, and this is the back of flea we're seeing. Action: Plenty Noise: None   Movie: Charlie's Angels In this Shot: All three angels, taped together to look like Bosley Location: The inside of a giant sea monster, or an I-Mac. Action: In less than 30 seconds from this point, Bosley explodes into three women, all performing karate Noise: None Step 2: Short Dramatic Monologue Okay, we're in the dark so far, and some main character is doing something that frightens us, because whatever they're doing is weird, but mostly because it's dark. The only thought on our minds is "When will the techno music start so I can feel safe once more?" As this unspoken question burns within us, a voice is heard to magically destroy the entire mood we've established in Step 1. This is the usually the first thing said in the trailer. Regardless of where it finally comes in, it's the part where the more intelligent of we the audience think "Oh pah-leeese..." Movie: Tomb Raider In this Shot: Angelina Jolie and Raymond, from Everybody Loves Raymond Stupid Line(s): He: "Time to save the universe?" She: "Ab - sa - loootely!" Why it's Stupid: Obviously, because he's dressed for a blizzard, and she for avoiding the paparazzi at LAX. Background: Cirque du Soleil's acrobats!!!   Movie: Battlefield Earth In this Shot: Lion-O, from the Mitchell Bourg tribe. Stupid Line: "Let it be said that we took this one chance. AND FOUGHT!!!" Why it's Stupid: Because it was in Battlefield Earth. I ended up reversing my way of looking at this movie. The things in the movie weren't stupid. 'Twas the movie did make them so.   Movie: Battlefield Earth In this Shot: Travolta, son of Mogue Stupid Line: Every damn thing he said in this movie. He walked dumb, he talked dumb, he even looked way dumb after I realized how not cool he was and that he looked really dumb. Why it's Stupid: Oh, it's my fault for having read books as a child and for becoming sentient, even mildly intelligent. Battlefield Earth sucks because I never learned to enjoy playing with garbage. Or smelling my butt. Step 3: In your FACE! Enough of this quiet. It's time for TECHNO! This is the movie trailer version of popping open a Budweiser, opening your Juicy Fruit, accidentally revealing your Starburst Fruit Chews, or snapping into a Slim Jim. Cut between shots far too quickly for any of us to tell what the hell's going on, and for love of God, don't stop until... Movie: The Perfect Storm Oooh shiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!!   Movie: The World is Not Enough Sweeeeet Jeeeesuuuuusss!!!   Movie: Battlefield Earth Ooooooohhhhh, God NOOOOoooooo!!!! Yeah, I know I already put him in here, but Battlefield Earth is a weird one. The introduction of Travolta *should* create in us fear - I read somewhere he's the villain. For me he just created tension. I felt like MY ship was sinking. I thought *I* was being blown up in a blaze of fire. Travolta effectively plays both the straw-man villain, and the greatest natural disaster known to man - namely, the lead character in this movie. Neat. Step 4: Say Anything We're extremely close to the end here. This stage comes when the techno suddenly ceases and someone from the film says something ridiculously cocky with very poor delivery. In the oceans and oceans of speaking contained in any one movie, it's your job as the trailer's creator to scour through every line until you find the most non-believable, contrived, "their agent made them say it or else" line in the whole flick. Then you stick it right here. Make sure this moment stops the techno dead, so we can really build our hopes up in the hopeful millisecond before the sound reaches our hopeful ears, and our hopes are buried along with our respect in a boring little hopeful plot in the back by the porta-potties where no one will ever think to visit them anymore. Examples include: "He's mine! This is personal." "Boys, I guess it's time we SAAAAAVE THE UNIVERSE!!!" and my favorite, "UP YOURS, MOVIEGOERS!!!" Movie: Hannibal "I must confess to you, I'm giving very serious thought... to eating your wife." NOTE: I think this movie will suck, yet rake in millions riding on the shoulders of the last one. I'm supposed to pretend that some other girl is really Jodie Foster, when it was hard enough for me last time to pretend Jodie Foster was Clarice, 'cause I really like Jodie Foster, and nothing, not even movies can change that for me. Plus, Hannibal talks entirely too much this time to be menacing: "I need some action Clarice, I need to come out of hiding and return to public life - I couldn't help noticing on the FBI's rather dull public website that I have been elevated to the more prestigious ten most wanted list - is this coincidence, or are you back on the case? If so, goody goody." Geez, breathe man. You're like 90. Aw crap. He's gonna kill me for that one.   Movie: Thomas and the Magic Railroad "Now THAT's what I call a perfect landing!" NOTE: Very few movies can really wrap their hands around my brain and cut off my circulation to the point of hysteria, but this movie, featuring Alec Baldwin really knows how to jiggle my giggle stick! You know, on second glance, it kinda looks like someone had their way with Alec's head, and it looks like their way may have incorporated a tire iron. One can only hope... Unlike Hannibal, I think this movie will rock me sideways. Look! It's not even afraid to do what all of us secretly want to do to Alec Baldwin. They throw him high into the air, about 80 feet, and let him plummet to what should've been his doom. Unfortunately there were pillowy bags of an unknown origin lining the ground in front of the windmill. Oh, and it's rated G... Well, anyway. They still tried to hurt him, so I like the directors, and I love this movie. Go see it!   Movie: Dracula 2000 "We're all so much more... complicated... then our names..." This one was textbook. Techno, techno, sex, sex, sex, "You haven't told me your name..." WHAM, silence. Then this line. Then more techno. Predictions... Anyone wanna field this one? I'll give you a starting point: vampires suck blood, certain movies... suck, continue at your own pace... Step 5: Boot to the Head! Just in case those five seconds were enough for you to forget that our movie has action, here's one more display - IN YOUR FACE! This is the part that pisses me off most, and should piss off everyone, but most are too stupid to know it. Either a giant tractor tire smacks you in the head, a tiger bites your face off, or something with wings explodes in front of you. Right in front of you. And the sound tempts the limits of the THX system. It's like WHAM! Tire in your face! Now you're faceless. Movie: Highlander: End Game This is SO textbook, it makes my math textbook look, well, like, whatever's vastly different than a textbook. Techno, voice says dumb thing - unleash holy hell on the audience. This trailer's ending is like THX sound for the eyes. Look at this screen! Explosions, smoke, purple lightning, swordplay. Will it never end!? It will when someone loses an eye.   Movie: Mission To Mars, duh When the techno slams to an echoing halt, the screen goes black. Then this cocky movie doesn't even bother itself hitting us with asteroids or having a ship explode on us. No. Rather, it has a star go super nova behind its own name! How rude! To be killed by the name of a poor movie. I can't wash off this kind of humiliation.   Movie: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon We end a rather lengthy bout of driving Asian techno (I guess) only to slam into some titles (really bad ones - just red letters on a mustard background) and finally the music explodes and we're kabobed by this lady, whoever she is. Well whoever she is, my left eye's all but USELESS now, thanks a lot! That's it. It's over. Someone lost an eye. This is unforgivable... Step 6: IT AIN'T OVER!!! If you're really clever, and tired of those OLD ways of making this genre of trailer trash, then instead of changing the format a little, or at all, add some more of the same to the end! This is where the trailer should have ended, but you're not giving up that easily. One more quote will do it. "Look out world, there's a new cheerleader in town." or "...I'll detonate it myself if I have to," or even better, "How'd you like that tire in your face?" Now you can end it. Use an echoing breath sound, like a "pah" without the vocal cords, and remember to do something with the camera to signify that you are the man (or woman). For example, take Catherine Zeta Jones, cut to her face cockily saying, "You can't handle the tire," then pause while we "get" that, and then... ZOOMINREALLYFASTONHEREYEBALLANDCUTTOBLACK!!! That cut to black is where you put your echoing breath. If you're previewing an action comedy, replace Catherine Zeta with Jim Carrey and add the phrase, "Somebody's BUTT smeells gooood!!!" ...and then some trumpets flaring. I'm sick o' this shit. Let me in Hollywood. I promise I won't kill these people. I'll just show them that there are other ways. Movie: U-571 U-571 should've been called "Depth Charge." I've said it since I first saw it. Actually since the 10th depth charge blew up in my face in the theatre. The trailer is no better. It's "In your face ending" is a torpedo blast to the hull. We're all dead. It doesn't help that we were outside the sub, 'cause we can't breathe underwater. I guess when you think about it, or when you refrain from thinking about it, the U-571 trailer ends with a mercy killing. At least we didn't suffer. I never wanted to die drowning anyway.   Movie: Rules of Engagement Aside from all the techno, there's fast-paced anger abounding in this preview. Rockets launching, people yelling, hurt feelings... Stand yourself up and salute General Unrest! There is technically *no* actual "slam" as it were at the end of this trailer, but the effect is all the same. I don't know, isn't Samuel L. ripping you a new one kinda like being blown up by a torpedo? That's what someone told me anyway.   Movie: Mission Impossible This feature will now self destruct... The hell with all of you. You sat in the front row. It's your own fault. Movies rot your brain, almost more than their trailers. Next time, read a book.