Phone Formula

Attention: The contest has formally closed. We have a winner, and there will be no more winners. Everyone who played and lost isn't a winner. However, the winner's details are at the bottom of the page, where we put winners.

Page 2 of the "Fat American Sissy Keyboard," manual. Made for: America / directions: Chinese

Pardon that my lucky feature is a 1 millisecond seek time lateness is unacceptable and you will be shot on Great Wall of China! I'm sorry that it will be taking so length to complete, hello! But [dammit] so hard to work new Chinese keyb-oard Iget in mail on previouslyday. There have 6,000 individual buttons represent most all symbols in alphabet, may I?, of Center Land.

This graphic is from rice paper instructional poster I commit acts of terrorism on for its pain it cause me. It entitled "Fat American Sissy Keyboard Setup," and this limited directions include phrase like "Non-logical Crying American Thought Containment Unit" and "Double-Size Drink Holder!" A row of 10 foot pedals (not in photo) complete the combinational ability of the Sissy American Keyboard to create about 6,000 Chinese Characters. Just to be assheads, to type American (or "Sissy"), one must hit average of four keys and 1 foot pedal for only 1 letter. This has tired my hell out of me...

Okay! That ripped me a new one. I'm using my old keyboard to finish up the feature. I would've been 'til tomorrow trying to type one more paragraph on that damned thing. Anyway, all I really wanted to do this week was put up something interactive and interesting that might promote interactivity and interest in the site.

03-04-01: In a bizarre update to this feature, I actually had a conversation with China Keyboards Home of Support Technical. You may click on this unrelated Chinese face to hear it, or if the thought of that scares you, just click here. (RealAudio required)

Join in on the action!

Before I go pack up my latest failure and ship it back to China, I'll get with the contest. As misinformer.com's resident techie (and I even suck at that), it's my job to try out all this stuff to see if it's funny. Stuff like Chinese keyboards, Hebrew programming languages, and Mexican delicacies find their way to my "inbox" every weekday. By the time the weekend comes, I've got enough raw material and props to ensure I'll spend another weekend destroying furniture, setting fire to my eyebrows, and just generally not impressing women.

So here's our newest technical contest. I'm even gonna spring for a prize if anyone should actually win...

I've set up a free phone number that you can dial and leave me a voicemail on. You'll have 96 seconds to leave your full name (or whatever you wanna be called), and your complete mailing address. If you're on a "3-fingers" bender and I can't tell what you're saying, maybe I'll post the wav file as "that weirdo who almost won but didn't."

But if I can tell where to send it, I'll send you your choice of 1 product from our store! It would probably be a nice idea to leave me a codeword that only you know and then afterwards email me stating the codeword, what you want from the store (including size if applicable), and your address. You can *try* to leave your order info and email address over the phone - but we all know that'll never work, you blithering drunk...

How to Play!

½(((((atomic # of rubidium) + ((James Bond's code #)/(How Many Things I Hate About You))) * a billion) + ((# of dollars that Steven Page would need to "buy your love") * (numeric sexual position)) + ((year Reader's Digest is founded) * (atomic # of neon)) + ((Captain Nemo's famous depth, expressed in "leagues") * (Bo Derek as "Jenny")))

That's the phone number, written as a formula. It really will turn into the contest phone number if you can figure it all out. You can dial everything exactly as the formula dictates ("nothing to be added, nothing to be subtracted.."). Of course this means that if your phone number doesn't have an "atomic # of rubidium button" or a button that looks like Bo Derek (mine does), you're going to need to do some simple math to solidify it all down to one number. Be ambitious people. If you end up dialing your resultant number and get some weirdo trying to sell you a trailer, or the French Consulate - I want to hear about it. I'll put it below here in the "Contest War Stories" section.

Maybe no one will win. Then I won't have to fork out any dough for a prize - but in the interest of fairness, I haven't made the formula come out to a wrong number. You can really win!

Only 1 prize will be awarded, and it goes to the first person who dials the number and leaves me a message stating who they are, where they are, and what they want. The codeword + email (with codeword) and aforementioned info is a bonus - it would really ensure that you get your prize, but it's up to you, drunk.

NOTE: The phone number will ask you
in a voice that isn't mine for a pin number.
It's: 331
Just enter that and it will begin recording.
Sorry - it was free...

War Stories...

Here's what the number sounded like, if you dialed it correctly (click the schematic of the non-cellular phone):

Note: to all KaraokePhone fans - this number is in no way related to the KaraokePhone number, other than that it's a phone number that goes to us at misinformer.com. But to enter the karaoke contest, you must use that number - when we post another Karaoke Contest.