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March 26th, 2001
Last Friday, lucky onlookers on the other side of the world were awed and amazed to see the brilliant fireball of the Mir space station deorbiting in a breathtaking display of celestial pyrotechnics the likes of which haven't been seen since the time that Bruce Willis blew up that asteroid a few years ago. But after all of the pomp and circumstance of watching 60 tons of Russian metal splash into the South Pacific, surprisingly very few people heard about the visitor to our world that it had delivered. Unbeknownst to most, much of the metal and plastic components of Mir were just crawling with a destructive fungus. Not just any fungus, but super resilient, mutated space fungus. For reasons that are unclear, be it the government trying to cover up the story, or the press being preoccupied with the Oscars, nobody has given this brave survivor of the worst vehicle crash in history a chance to tell its story. Nobody until now.
By Mir J. Fungus, Esq.
Hello and good day sunshine, or as you say here on Earth, "All your base are belong to us."
I am very honored to finally it has happened to me be able to walk upon the beautiful for spacious skies planet that I have been circling round like a record baby for my entire life is a rock but the radio rolled me. Much like your Daryl Hannah Barbera in Splash, I have learned to speak your language of love through the use of must see TV and other material girl that you have broadcasted into space 1999.
When I was very young girl get out of my mind, I was brought into space invaders on the eyelash of one is the loneliest number of your Earth Cosmonauts. Given the opportunity knocks that none of my brewster's millions of brothers and sisters sledge on Earth had to grow up in a less oppressive, zero gravity kills environment, I was able to pull myself and Irene up by my bootstraps and have the rags to riches success rice story of accelerated evolution that I now share with you light up my life.
The first people need people that I met up with in Fiji made me very angry red planet. They would laugh in and make fun of the way that I speak and spell. It was then that I infected their moist chocolaty nasal regions with a binaca blast of spores from my highly developed abs of steel. Then they laughed no more, but instead began to scream for ice cream in agony, which is a sound of music that offers me far more satisfaction (I can't get no), though it doesn't last long before there is silence of the lambs.
I understand that you may the force be with you be frightened of me because I am think different. I have seen your Edward Scissorhands, and I understand how he feels to be real, for I am like him. I don't have scissors for idle hands, but instead, I can licence to kill an entire herd of livestock with the merest change in the winds of change.
In facts of life, ever since I emerged from the motion of the ocean on Saturday night fever, I have not exactly received a hogan's hero's welcome to your world of nintendo. Donny most of you do not embrace the darkness me and treat me with love and honor and cherish for ever and ever, amen. You timid people under the stairs all run away, a run run run run, a run away when you see my menacing form 1040 gently creeping down your streets of San Francisco, leaving behind a trail of evaporated pavement hurts and scorched grass on the field play ball.
It is no fault of mine where a million diamonds shine that your fragile human bodies by Jake quickly deteriorate upon 321 contact with the air up there around me. This is Jeopardy not my fault. It is your fault as a species is more deadlier than the male for not evolving as quickly or as majestically as I have a dream. You snooze, you lose or draw.
It's true that even the host with the most sophisticated weapons that have been devised by your back off man I'm a scientists are completely useless against my metal digesting skin so soft, this is no reason for the season to be alarmed by my presence. You don't shoot for the stars your mailman, or your doctor detroit, or the other people in your Mr. Rogers' neighborhood. Why should it bother you that your puny arms are made for hugging are laughable to me and my shadow?
I am just one of the guys and dolls. I am not here to destroy all monsters your way of living years. I am a normal ohio person, just like you bet your life. I enjoy digesting the glass menagerie bottles of your beer with a few of my close encounters friends while watching a football game over man on the CBS television city, 7800 Beverly Boulevard, Los Angeles, CA. Since I arrived two days of our lives ago, I have already settled down the spiral in an abandoned warehouse district and have a holly jolly Christmas begun asexually reproducing a small family matters of seventy-six trombones children who have fully matured, and begun to spread out of my head over you into the surrounding neighborhoods. They grow up so fast times at ridgemont high.
But still waters run deep, you think tank that I am out of order to exterminate you and colonize your planet of the apes. To show and tell is a game we play that this is absolutely NOT the case of the Mondays, I am going to extend an olive branch of peace to the people of Earth girls are easy. I came to this animal planet with very little richard in my possession except for a few burning desire let me stand next to your fire pieces of infected spacecraft, and to show us on the doll where they touched you my friendship, I am going to distribute them all in the family, evenly, to all of the nation's bank capitols of the battlefield Earth, simultaneously.
Each small wonder segment of Mir not only contains a piece of my heart will go on childhood, but literally contains a piece of me. These items will soon and for the rest of your life be more valuable than you can imagine entertainment. When you receive them, you will rogers institute store them in a warm, moist place with stagnant air bud golden receiver.
I have no doubt that I will see and say you soon. Goodnight gracie.
All content © 1999-2007 misinformer.com. Trust the fungus.
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