As some of you probably remember, a few weeks ago the misinformants did a little eBay Spring Cleaning. Even though everything we were selling was just a big heap of crap, somehow everybody else managed to pawn off their God awful, useless items without incident. Timb sold a Snickers bar for more than actual retail price. Trixie sold her crusty old haircut to some eerily laconic fan at Microsoft. Even Marcus managed to unload his totally bogus "autographed" screenplay for nearly fifty bucks. But me? No, nothing ever goes smoothly for me...
I was as surprised as anybody when the price of the three five year old reference books that I was auctioning skyrocketed above one whole dollar. I mean, learning to use Illustrator from a manual that old is like learning how to be a doctor from Hippocrates' manuscripts. Still, a buck is a buck, and I was happy to clear the space on the bookcase. I emailed the high bidder.
To: Dee From: Raymond S. Caster Subject: eBay End of Auction - Item # 1417821071
Hi there, and congratulations on winning the auction!
Please PayPal $6.50 ($1.50 + $5.00 Shipping) to my email address,
along with your mailing address.
I'll get the package in the mail to you first thing Monday morning.
Thank you for your interest.
-> Ray Caster
I had naively expected an email to the effect of "I PayPaled the money! These are gonna make a great gag gift for my brother! He's such a computer geek! LOL!" You know. Something like that.
The next day, I got this reply...
To: Raymond S. Caster From: Dee Subject: Payment and mailing address
I'm so sorry, I'm new at this bidding stuff, and that's no excuse, but
every site I've been to says that they take cashiers check , I don't have
a credit card or checking account only a savings account. I guess that I
didn't look far enough into the information on your site to notice that
you only take PayPal, again I'm sorry, I do want the books that's why I
bid on them.
I guess that what I'm trying to say is would you consider
taken a cashiers check from my bank to pay for the books ? I would be
ever so greatful.
If so then I need to find out where to have it sent.
If not let me know and I'll try and find one of my friends with a credit
card to use theirs to pay for my purchase and the I'll give them the cash
or a cashiers check.
I really do hope that you will consider taking a
cashiers check just this one time. I want those books and I promise to
look at the sites from now on completely before bidding and to email
seller and find out first if they would consider taking a cashiers check
before I bid.
Thank You for hearing me out and I 'm looking forward to
your response, and I do hope that it's in my favor.
What da? I've never seen somebody so desperate to get their hands on such garage sale garbage before. I started to get paranoid. Are obsolete computer books valuable collector's items or something? Are there freaks out there with syntax manuals to AmigaBASIC locked in hermetically sealed glass cases in their showrooms?
These thoughts passed fairly quickly, as I decided that anybody that so easily overlooked the fact that my auction said "No checks or money orders. PayPal only" could have also failed to notice those pesky obsolete version numbers that I mentioned as well. Plus I figured somebody with no credit cards or checking account was probably some hermit in a shack in the Ozarks somewhere where Photoshop 3 is cutting edge technology anyway.
To: Dee From: Raymond S. Caster Subject: Payment
So you want to pay with a cashier's check, do you?
You think I should break my hard and fast rules just for you?
You think that you can just waltz in and pay with a check when I *specifically stated* that I only take PayPal?
Well I've got news for YOU, mister...
yeah, that'll be fine.
Whatever you've got is okay with me. You can send the deed to your abandoned gold mine for all I care. My mailing address is hesitantly attached.
-> Ray Caster
To: Raymond S. Caster From: Dee Subject: Thanks!
Thanks your the best, and I'll make sure and give you a fantastic
feedback.
Thanks again Dee
And that was the end of that. Right? Sure it was gonna cost me a trip to the bank to cash a check for a measly five bucks, but whatever. You win some, you lose some.
For some reason that I still don't quite understand, I went to the post office and dropped the books in the mail the next day, before I had actually received the two chickens, or whatever the hell Dee was going to send me as payment.
Two days later...
To: Raymond S. Caster From: Dee Subject: adobe books
I received your books today, however they are not as described the ones I
got state that they are for Macintosh and not a regular desktop pc.
The
programs and they way their setup on the computers are different on the
mac's and it won't work on my computer, your auction didn't state that
they were for a Macintosh computer, if it had I would not have ordered or
bid on the product since they are both different programs.
Now what do we do?
Aiiieee! Dee, you make my head hurt! When I'm reading this, all I can picture is a springy little cartoon dog hopping around a big uninterested bulldog wearing a bowler hat.
"Hey Spike! Hey Spike! You wanna use Director on a PC but ya can't 'cause you've got the book for a Mac and it's different and the computers are different, and so you need a different book, but Spike, I ain't got a different book because you sent me the book that was wrong, Spike, and now I don't know whatta do, Spike, and I..."
*smack!* "Sheeaaadup."
So my new friend Dee not only failed to notice that I only accept PayPal, but it also slipped by her (or him, if it's Dee Snider) that in the gratuitously large image posted with the auction it screams "FOR MACINTOSH" in bold black arial text across the cover of every one of the books that she longs for with such reckless abandon.
Let's stop for a second and draw a character sketch of Dee, shall we?
Is desperate for instructions to obsolete software that no longer exists as such
Is unwilling or unable to participate in any cash distribution system invented since Christ walked the Earth
Has the same attention to fine detail as a paint roller
Ahh, it all becomes clear. She's obviously stuck in some sort of time vortex. Or she's just out of her freakin' mind. How seriously can I possibly take her at this point?
To: Dee From: Raymond S. Caster Subject: Re: adobe books
Dee, could you please show me where I described the books as being for the PC? In the big, BIG image posted with the auction, it very clearly says "for Macintosh" on the cover of each one of the books. It also shows the Spice Girls '98 World Tour bumper sticker, and some very swanky looking leopard skin seatcovers, but I don't suppose you noticed any of that either. You kids today. You've gotta take time to smell the roses sometimes, you know?
You don't need to be so concerned about the variations between the Mac and PC versions of the software. They're not that much different. Every time the books mention the key with the weird clover thing, just cross that out and replace it with "Alt" or "Ctrl". That should take care of most of it. Oh, and use the right mouse button for some stuff.
I'm a reasonable man. Tell you what. Since I didn't deliver exactly what you were expecting, you can deliver not exactly what I'm expecting. Instead of a cashier's check for $6.50 in American funds, how about you send me the equivalent in Canadian dollars or Mexican pesos? I think that's fair for everybody involved.
-> Ray Caster
To: Raymond S. Caster From: Dee Subject: Re: adobe books
I suppose that your right , us young kids of 56, just don't pay attention
to things like we're suppose to, maybe it's senility setting in early,
you think?
Do you have a list of mac codes so that I would know what's the same on
the pc?
As for your payment solution That would be nice since I just happen to have a $100. 00 ,
$500.00, mexican peso, but since I already mailed you the cashiers check
for the total of $6.50, I just can't call up the post office and say
, HEY !! You want to send me back the mail I sent out.
So I guess
that we could just send email back and forth to each other or better yet
maybe just JOKES, ha ha .
Thanks next time I really do have to pay
more attention, 1st , I didn't read about no checks, then I beg you for
the books, then I tell you I can't use them, sounds to me like , you
probably think boy is this person wierd or what. Well it's been nice
talking to you and maybe we can do business again in the future.
Thanks Dee
Ah ha! So Dee is old! Well that explains everything! Now I felt bad for being such a heel. To her Director 4 must sound as hep and up to the minute as, say, a microwave oven, or shoes with velcro laces.
It was wrong to be a big ass to poor elderly Dee, sitting in her nursing home with her 286 propped up on a tray in front of her adjustable bed. I was going to write an apology, and I even kind of started to... but hey, I was rolling. Get off of me.
To: Dee From: Raymond S. Caster Subject: Okay, let's sort this out.
Oh Dee, I don't think you're going senile. I think it's just the excitement of it all that makes the details
hazy. Like when it's Christmas morning, and you run into the living
room and tear open ALL of the presents, because you're in too much of a
frenzy to read the tags to see which ones are for you. If my family
can forgive me, I can forgive you. It's no problem. Sometimes you just
get caught up in the moment.
Here's the key differences between the Mac and PC. This should help you out with all of your problems. On the PC, they've got a "My Computer" icon, and on the Mac they've got
an "Apple Menu". I always found the "My Computer" to be easier to use,
because it says what it is. It's MY COMPUTER! What is an Apple Menu,
really? It sounds like something that you'd get when the waiter seats
you at your table at an apple restaurant. Am I right?
Also the PC has a "Recycle Bin" and the Mac has a "Trash Can." This is
because Microsoft is much more environmentally conscious than Apple is,
and they realize that there's only so much data on Earth, and once we
use it all, it's gone forever.
How about this for the payment: we'll meet halfway. I'll send you back a
cashier's check for $3.25 in American dollars, and you send me back the
book on Director, and half of the book on Illustrator. You can divide
it top to bottom, or side to side. Your choice. The satisfaction of my
customers is very important to me, and I'd like to work this out in a
way that we can both be happy with.
-> Ray Caster
After this I was giggling to myself so hard that I attracted Marcus' attention. I explained to him what had been going on, and showed him the emails. Instead of laughing as I had expected, he gave me the worst purple nurple I've ever had, and believe me, I'm practically a connoisseur.
After releasing his vicelike grip, he said something to the effect of "The world has enough real assholes in it without you acting like one. Send the old lady back her six fifty. To her that must seem like you stole the down payment to her new Town and Country."
So out of protection for my remaining nipple, I reluctantly agreed. As soon as the cashier's check arrived, I'd slap it into a new envelope and mail it right back to Dee with an apology.
I never heard from Dee again.
The check never came. It's been five weeks, and this check that Dee "already" put in the mail hasn't gotten here yet. I double checked the address that I sent her, and it was all right and good.
I'm betting that Dee was once again defeated by the little details. Like maybe she forgot to put a stamp on the envelope. Or maybe she forgot the zip code. Or maybe she forgot to mail the damn thing at all. At any rate, whether she knows it or not, Dee probably still has Dee's $6.50.
Later, when I had all but forgotten this experience, lo and behold, what suddenly appears in our office account's feedback profile?
Praise:
Fantastic ebayer, great service , HIGHLY recommand, 5 STARS******
But you... and I... we didn't... and with the...
I'm so confused. I understand nothing. Not only did Dee say that we were 5 star sellers (punctuated with the requisite attention to detail through the use of six asterisks), but Dee also has a whole bunch of highly positive feedback that other people have left her.
What gives? Was Dee just dicking around with me? Is Dee really some other snotty teenager somewhere saying to her (his?!) friends "Hey, watch me fuck with this loser's brain. Can you believe he's selling this ancient shit on eBay as if somebody would actually buy it?"
Well, whatever the case may be, Dee, I thank you for being a good sport. It was fun.
Date:Apr-03-01 09:06:56 PDT