|
|
May 7th, 2001
The phenomenon known as Survivor: The Australian Outback dragged to an excruciating conclusion last Thursday in a gratuitously lengthy series finale featuring more padding than Fabio's thong.
There should have been a drinking game for that lethargic three hour melodrama festival. You take a shot every time somebody says "41 days," "you've got to remember it's all just a game," "emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained," or "It's so much more than just a game."
You know, some people have a certain something supernatural about them. An eerie sixth sense that allows them to look forward into the future and make incredibly accurate predictions about events that are yet to happen.
I am not one of these people.
Looking back on our Survivor II Preshow, the level to which I was steadfastly and unswervingly WRONG about almost every single castaway is nothing short of astounding. If I had read my early synopsis someplace else, I'd swear that the guy who wrote it had been paid off by Mark Burnett to intentionally give misinformation to add mystery to his little contest.
Now that this fad has burned out of my life like a bottle rocket in a swimming pool, let's revisit our past failures in character judgment.
By Marcus
"You will be forever not-remembered as the poor woman who really did everything right for your situation, but were voted off for the simple crime of not being as bonable as the other women in your tribe."
Geez Louise! When I wrote the preview article, Debb's episode was already over. It was safe to say that the book on Debb was closed, and anything that I could say about her was a done deal. Nope. I've got an amazing super power for misspeaking.
Debb will be forever not-remembered as "that chick who was on Survivor II who boinked her stepson."
"My girlfriend thinks Kel is cute. This must make Kel the pimp-daddiest sexpot of our generation, since the last celebrity she admitted an attraction to was Billy Zane, circa The Phantom."
Kel seemed so smoldering and mysteriously sexy at first, didn't he? So reclusive and Asian... or Latino... or something.
Now, after we've been privy to the new footage in the "padding for sweeps" episode and the final scraping reunion show, we see that Kel is just a big whiny baby who still can't believe he got booted over imaginary jerky. Oooh, that Jerri! I hate Jerri! She thought I had jerky! I didn't have any jerky! I was eating my own shit!
Get over it, Kel. Nobody cares.
Even my girlfriend is over Kel now. He is not the pimp-daddiest sexpot of our generation. Now she's moved on to a crush on Brendan Fraser.
"The misinformants officially predict that our gal Maralyn is going to leave Australia a million dollars richer."
A-ha! Haha ha! Oh. Crap.
Not only was my prediction farther off target than an American spy plane in Chinese airspace, but because I posted my final prediction on February 2nd, Maralyn was actually the very next person voted out after I dubbed her the winner.
Maralyn rocks. I still say she shoulda won. Sorry to jinx you with my bad juju, Mad Dog. I suck.
"Well it looks like our pal Mitchell tried to [be funny in his application], but some humorless copy editor at CBS took his raw, untamed wackiness and rubbed it and polished it until it was so round, smooth, and vanilla that you could pass it through your digestive system without the slightest discomfort."
There's not a damn thing funny about Mitchell.
Mitchell was the chump loser in school who always won the yearbook poll for Class Clown because of his notoriously wacky brown nose antics with the Algebra teacher. Of course, the actual funny people in his class thought this was just fine, since it meant they didn't have to talk to the goons on the yearbook staff.
The funniest thing about Mitchell was the fact that he was seven feet tall, yet lacked testicles of the requisite size to ever stand up to Jerri for five damn seconds.
"If one thing is for certain already at this early stage in the game, it's this: WE HATE KIMMI!"
Well golly. Kimmi ain't so bad once you get used to her. Everybody loves a filthy Long Island girl with a jaw like an animatronic hippo on the Jungle Cruise.
And you've got to respect her for eating the Mangrove Worm in that challenge, even though she's a vegetarian. You know, one of those "strict" type vegetarians that eats fish and sea creatures. Where do we draw these arbitrary lines of dietary conservationalism, Kimmi?
Is it by biological complexity? I mean, one would think that a lowly Pantinonemertes would hardly be on the same level as something as sophisticated as, say, a lobster. Do you have any idea how many moving parts a lobster has? Did you ever notice how you can buy robot dogs, but not robot lobsters? That's because lobsters are so damn complicated.
Or do you draw the line simply at "land dwelling" and "sea dwelling?" Did you have a bad incident with a jellyfish when you were little, and now you have a "fuck 'em all" attitude towards sea life? By this rationale, do you eat dolphin because they live underwater, or do you not eat dolphin because it's a mammal?
You know, Kimmi, anybody else would have just said "I don't want to eat a cow brain," and not made a quasi-moral issue out of it, brat.
Okay, I get a point for this one, I still hate Kimmi. Although this picture of her covered in whipped cream is pretty cool.
"I've officially decided that he is the most boring castaway ever.
Couldn't you have told them that you once killed a man with your bare hands, or that you lost your hair in a South American bar brawl? Anything to make yourself not just sound like a totally boring pud?"
Sometimes I forget that misinformer.com really does have a worldwide readership, and that anything we say here really can be read by anybody out there. Did Michael read my gonad crushing bitch slap to his manhood and decide to use the forum of Survivor II to prove that he's not a total puss?
The guy hunted down a heavily sedated baby pig that had been planted by the producers, and stabbed it like, a hundred and forty-three times! Then he smears the blood on his face like some kind of freaked out nightmare clown! Dude! Chill out! I didn't mean it when I said you should kill with your bare hands! Jesus, I was just writing comedy here, man!
And as if that doesn't adequately prove that he's extreme and in my face, he goes and dives headlong into a pit of fire like a s'more gone awol. Alright already, Michael! You're hard core! You're a super stud! The next round of SURGE is on me. Damn dude, don't go and shoot Reagan because you think I want you to or something, you fucking maniac.
"Jeff is so full of shit. I wouldn't take Jeff's word on something if I was on fire and he was pointing me towards a large body of water and the cast of Third Watch."
You know, Michael actually was on fire, and did Jeff even go to the effort of pointing him towards a large body of water and the cast of Third Watch? No. You know why? 'Cause he's a smarmy little bastard.
His luxury item was a coloring book that he intended to auction off for charity upon returning to the States. Oh Jeff, how noble. You're not fooling anybody. Who's pants did you expect to get into with that? You came up with that idea after you met some hottie who has a kid brother with Down Syndrome, didn't you?
I've seen it all before, yet I still respect your twisted plot. If it wasn't for philanthropist playaz like you, there would still be no cure for Polio, or Small Pox, or the Bends. You're one of the good ones, Jeffy. Who cares if their sibling has a pesky extra chromosome when they've got a friend like you...
"When she's a hundred and thirty-two years old, people will still come up to her and say "Hey, weren't you the black chick on Survivor 2?"
Yep. That whole "oh no you diten't" finger waggling, head shifting thing really separated you from the stereotype.
Point for me.
"Next year you can expect to see Jerri in briefly reoccurring roles on JAG and Nash Bridges, until her 15 minutes of fame are fully tapped."
Sure Jerri is a fame whore, I was right about that. Jerri never thought for a single second in her life that Jerri was going to win a million dollars.
I was wrong, however, about where she would go with her sudden celebrity. She didn't even manage to achieve the prestigious goal of starring on a high profile CBS prime time series with literally dozens of loyal fans as I had predicted. No, she's shooting right to CBS daytime with a guest appearance on The Young and the Restless. As herself.
Yes, the superstar thespian pushes the limits of her craft, attempting to make housewives and hairdressers all over America believe that she's not just an actress playing a role, but that she really is Jerri Manthey.
I hope that was worth getting spit on every time you leave the house.
And I couldn't help but laugh at the shallow grab for attention that she posed as her final question at the last Tribal Council.
"Do you feel guilty about anything?"
Ha ha ha! Oh, Jerri! You slay us with this cute little self-important thing you do!
Did you see how pissed she looked when they
made absolutely NO mention of her in their little guilt venting moments? Standing there, tapping her
foot, slitting her eyes, mentally egging them on to apologize directly to her
for voting her out and/or not sleeping with her. If she had laser beam pupils, Tina's chest would have read "BITCH" in burnt out letters, and Colby's head would
look like the T-1000's after it got opened by that shotgun.
Remember the wife in the end of Citizen Kane, all drunk and still
full of herself? Someday Jerri's
gonna end up withered and alone crying to herself and unable to function past
breathing. I can picture some debilitating syndrome named after
her in the future.
"Yeah, we have to be quiet in the Mantheyatic ward, we don't
want to upset the Mantheyatics. Oh, and if any of them notices you, pepper
them with compliments until they fall asleep, or they'll try to swallow their
own tongue, but mostly for attention."
"Being the only two token black people that the producers included this time around, if my calculations are correct, Nick and Alicia should be knocking the boots by week four."
I'm wrong, I'm an idiot, and apparently I'm a racist. Hooray for me.
Nick didn't knock the boots with anybody. In fact, I can't remember Nick doing a damn thing. I know they all claim that the show was edited to make them appear a certain way, but, I mean, I'm not saying he was lazy, I'm saying I don't remember him being there.
What was he in, like four segments in the whole ten weeks he was on? Maybe he shoulda tried harder to score with Alicia. At least then they could have been remembered as "that chick with the hot abs and the lazy guy who totally did it."
"I can picture Amber's traumatic childhood memories. She's so smart and pretty that everybody secretly thinks she's really cool, but at the end of the day, the apex of her social interaction is having her chemistry notebook stolen by the punk girls and smothered in tampon."
Dead wrong again. Nobody has ever thought Amber Brkich was really smart or pretty. Not that she's not, but just that nobody has ever noticed, even for a fleeting second.
Okay, picture the video for ZZ Top's "Legs." Now imagine that the girl in that video goes on working her minimum wage jobs for the Man for the rest of her life and is never rescued by some guys with skanky ass beards who teach her to be sexy. That's Amber's life.
It's easy to picture an existence for Amber where nothing lucky or fortuitous has ever happened to her, and anything that she's ever achieved has been through a hail of flack so thick that it's as if God Himself is holding a personal grudge against her. I mean, geez, look at her last name. Brkich. It's like the noise you'd see if Adam West kicked you in the nads.
Getting chosen at all to be on Survivor II was a Divine clerical error. Like the Almighty came back from a golf game and does a big coffee spit take looking at the carbon copies on His desk.
"What the? My H. Son, who put this through? The Brkich kid wasn't supposed to be on Survivor: The Australian Outback, she was supposed to barely survive an accident with a jetpack! I swear to Me, somebody is getting excommunicated over this..."
It's so obvious that Jerri is the first friend that Amber has ever had. Look at the way that her personality did a complete 180 from shy, quiet and mousy, to loud, yappy, and obnoxious as she started to emulate her new hero. It was really quite sad. I liked you in the beginning, Amber.
I can picture the scene that unfolded the day that Amber joined the other outed Survivors after her last Tribal Council.
"Hey Jerri! Wow, I missed you so much! Oh my God, let's go shopping! We can do each other's nails and talk about boys! Eee!"
"Aaaah, yeah. Right. Look Amber, there's like... people out here who... you know, aren't you. I think I'm going to like, hang out with them, and... not you. Bye!"
"Under normal circumstances I'd have nothing against Rodger. He seems like a good enough guy. I do, however, harbor a certain bitterness for the oldster, as his frail, knee wobbling ways will cause him to be one of the first kicked out of the tribe, thus postponing the expulsion of the despicable Jeff or Kimmi for another week."
Oh for Pete's sake. Do I have some kind of anti-foresight gene or something? Not only was Rodger not kicked out before Kimmi and Jeff, but he stuck around so much longer that America had already forgotten who the hell Kimmi and Jeff were by the time that Rodger finally left the game.
On top of that, Rodger is not "a good enough guy." I'll personally kick the ass of anybody who says that Rodger is only "good enough." Rodger is the nicest, most bestest guy ever, and he's got outdoor survival skills that would make Scott O'Grady proud.
Rodger isn't a weak, withered up old man ripe for the kicking, he's your first, last, and only line of defense against starving to death, naked and screaming in the Australian Outback.
Much like Rudy before him, when all is said and done, the old man is the one contestant that I'd most like to take out for some beers.
"We're betting that the self-made 'immunity headdress' that she brought as her luxury item doesn't even see her into the final four, but will be featured prominently in her Playboy spread six months from now."
Oh man, this one really burns.
Hi Elisabeth, welcome to the final four. It's amazing to me that you have beat all odds and made it this far in the game just to spite me. Can't somebody just throw me a bone here?
Besides that, I've also got the added stigma of being Mr. Wankston McMisogynist who openly announces that the sweetest, nicest, pinkest, most lovable little nymph this side of the Power Puff Girls is going to be oiling up her areolas for a photo shoot, as if that's the only direction for a cute girl to go after a flash of prime time fame.
That being said, I'm still gonna link to this
hidden camera topless photo that CBS doesn't want you to see!
I think Elizabeth caused more lying to occur in this game than any other player. From Rodger's "She reminds me of my daughter" to Keith's "I hope my daughters grow up to be like her," to Colby's "She's not as sexy as my mom," I've never seen a group of men come up with so many ways to try to explain exactly why they don't want to bang a hot chick.
"Was this guy even on this show? If so, our initial reaction to Keith is that he's the most forgettable of the new cast. I mean, honestly, I don't think I've ever seen this guy's face before in my life..."
Yeah, way to make it to the last damn episode Keith. I wasn't complaining that I didn't remember you. You didn't have to stick around for the whole series to remind me that you exist.
And who could forget about all the good times shared when Jerri complained about how Keith cooked rice. We call those "Episodes 3 through 6." What a thrilling dynamic you've lent to the game!
Keith takes the second grade nonchalance of "I meant to do that" to an unprecedented level. From about Episode 12, when he started to realize there was no way in hell he was actually going to win, he started in with the "Even if I get sent home today, I feel that I am a winner just for having this experience" bullshit.
Yeah, whatever.
You're the same guy who takes 14 years to build a ship in a bottle, and then seconds after finishing accidentally drops it down three flights of stairs and then goes, "Oh well, it was really just the excruciating hours of painstaking labor that I put into it that was the reward for me."
"In the Outback, however, it seems like a career in Auto Customization places him just slightly above a guy who works in a frame store on the chart of 'Skills Needed to Fend off Death's Bony Hands.'"
Yeah, of course. Because somebody who works with heavy machinery all day wouldn't be, oh I don't know, really fucking strong!
What kind of an idiot am I? How is it that I looked at the pictures of the contestants and went "Yeah, that big strapping buck who works in the auto shop has got nothing on the old lady trying to kick cigarettes when it comes to wilderness survival."
You know, when I first posted this image, I thought somebody had given Colby the ol' Photoshop toothbrush, but after watching the show, I realized that his teeth really are that white, and they stayed that way through 40 days of lackluster oral hygiene. Colby, that just ain't right.
And don't think we didn't notice that you compared seeing your mom to a conjugal visit. As if that's not wack enough, when you're left on a secluded area of the Great Barrier Reef with Jerri grinding you like a drunken sorority girl hopped up on ruffies, you choose to pick up illegal corral souvenirs for all the gang back home rather than get your groove on. Maybe I just have a special place in my heart for bad girls, but again, Colby that just ain't right.
"Tina is the survivor I'd most like to share a cubicle with. She'd be the one who knows where to find rubber bands when you don't have any. She'd be the one who always has candy in her desk drawer for you. She'd be the one who not only knows the janitor's name, but bakes for him on his birthday, and never assumes that he doesn't speak English just because he doesn't."
It's true! It's all true! I mean, think about it. If Tina would be so easy to get along with when shoved into a five foot square of particle board for eight hours a day for years on end, just imagine how easy it would be to keep from getting angry at her with the whole Outback to spread out in?
Having people not get angry at you is what it's all about, I suppose. I can't remember anybody in the whole game ever badmouthing her. Not only was she the big winner, but she's the only person on Survivor II who did not receive a single vote the whole time. That's amazing! That's like spending six weeks with Matthew Perry without getting any puke on your shoes.
And this all happens after the tribe sees Tina vote against our girl Mad Dog mere minutes after Maralyn had practically proposed to her. You are a wily one, Tina. We know that the whole drawling sugar lady persona is all just a ruse to aid your rise to power, and so far, it's working perfectly.
Sure, you say the million dollars will work for charity before you win it, but what happens now? I'll bet Tina's already got a death ray on the moon pointed towards Washington.
Sure, you laugh now, but I can't always be wrong...
All content © 1999-2007 misinformer.com. Look for me on Survivor 3! I won't be there, but LOOK!
|
