That's right
folks. If you're like everyone else, and you are (no, you are), then
you saw the headline before you read this intro text. You already know
the story. "Boy sentenced to life in school, acquitted." I'm out.
Put your hands together and send your presents, because...
For the love of a sweet
freshman, that was a long run. But I'm out. I've been getting a lot of
letters from well-wishers and astonished tabloid reporters asking for
me to confirm what I am now confirming. I graduated, and misinformant
Timb was there to lube my hand and shake it.
So what is Gary doing now that he's free?
Good question. Immediately following my release, I asked Timb if he
would partake in my childhood dream, now that I was of age, and of the
level of freedom necessary to embark on such:
Gary: You ready to make my dreams come true? Timb: Uh, I got a girl already... Gary: No, my "convention" dream. Timb: Dude, you're still stuck on that? I don't know man. Gary: Aw c'mon, I filled the trunk with Pabst. Timb: Oh, well then I'm there. Gary: Sweet.
And so off we cruised to Orlando's Independance Blvd. There we went
to every trade show and convention we could handle in a single
day, because that was my childhood dream.
Timb Celebrates The Graduate
First stop: CONVENTIOCON 2001
Conventiocon is well known as the place to get your bearings on the
Orlando convention scene. You see, all of Orlando is convention centers.
You need a convention center alone just to understand it all, and Conventiocon,
in the Conventiocon building (on Conventiocon Blvd.) is the answer to
that problem. It's sort of like the directory map of all the surrounding
conventions. Of course, being my love and all, I didn't need any help
with the locations, but I wanted to do things properly. Conventiocon
was freakier than I had read about. It's a giant warehouse with a miniature
of the city, the size of the interior. Originally, the idea was that
representatives from each convention would stand by their buildings
and pass out flyers and cookies and stuff. Then, somewhere along the
way, some guy from Florida's Airport Authority accidentally backed into
the Aunti Anne's Pretzel building, which fell over and totally crushed
Denny's Corp America, and all hell was opened up. Harsh words were said,
birds were flipped, and a war erupted.
Scale Model of Conventiocon, which is a scale model of Orlando
Since that day, it's degenerated from a surreal miniature landscape
with mascots handing you flowers, into sort of a convention Wrestlemania.
Light artillery is a common ocurrence, and they make you sign a waiver
to get in. Plus you gotta enter between fight ropes, probably just so
you know what you're in for. It's like a warning.
The scale model buildings average at about 7ft. so you can totally get
lost in there. Timb and I found ourselves downtown, and decided to play
Godzilla and Mothra. I lost the toss and had to be Mothra, which sucked.
Don't misinterpret my meaning. Mothra's cool and all, but how do you
pretend you're a moth? C'mon... I spent most of my time fluttering into
GE's lighting exhibit. They were nice about the obvious damage I was
causing (partly 'cause of the bleeding wound on my head), but I could
tell they totally weren't getting it, which made me feel bad about all
the dough I'd blown on acting classes. Timb on the other hand was living
large, smashing up shit all over the lower-east side. I finally found
him tagging one building with "misinformer.com rules!" And I
know he's the one who punched out all the windows on the Comcast
Cable building to spell "You guys blow." He did this hysterical
impression of getting electrocuted in power lines. It turned out to
be really him getting shocked by the Florida Power & Light exhibit replica,
which he was urinating on, but he was okay. He was saved by something
akin to a rolling blackout. Under the cover of said blackout did we
make our escape, stopping only long enough for Timb to bite some guy
from Intercoastal Paper Supply, yelling "That's for all those fucking
paper cuts, you ass!" Then we ran screaming like children back to
the parking lot.
