June 18th, 2001 (happy birthday mom!) Have you ever read headlines just before passing out for the night? Do you ever know what the stories are by their headlines alone? If you don't, do you make up something on your own? Headline Dream Theatre By Gary Headline Report: Bush Stunned by U.S. Nuclear Arsenal Size Reuters Jun 17 2001 1:30PM WASHINGTON (Reuters) - President Bush was stunned last month when told of the extent of the U.S. nuclear arsenal, Newsweek magazine reported in its June 25 edition, released on Sunday. Gary Dreams The president went on to say "Well what the HELL were we dickin' around with China for?" Later he was quoted in a press conference as saying "I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to China for that whole 'blowing up their country thing, and I'd also like to add that I love Chinese food, and that I knew a guy in high school who was from China, and I just thought he was a great guy. Well, I think he was from China. It could've been Korea." "What the ffff... HOW many!?" "this 7-day waiting period on nuclear war is a reeeal crock." "Nuke China!? No WAY! I was kidding! April Fools!!! Hahaha!" Headline Miss America Accepts On-Stage Proposal The Associated Press Jun 18 2001 1:38AM HONOLULU (AP) - Miss America Angela Perez Baraquio received an on-stage marriage proposal during the 2001 Miss Hawaii Pageant in Waikiki. Gary Dreams This is the 12th pageant event Jean-Claude Van Damme has attended this week, and the 7th one to which he arrived drunk and wearing little more than a thong and body oil. Though Ms. Baraquio thought the offer was quote "sweet," she has no plans to marry the 41-year old Belgian actor, nor will she be accepting the offer to "spend an evening with his 'Universal Soldier.'" "You ah zee ONLY wan faw me!" "YOU ah zee only wan faw me!" "You ah zee only wan faw ME!" Headline Mother of all box office in Mexico Reuters Jun 18 2001 1:58AM MIAMI (Variety) - Mexican director Alfonso Cuaron's return to Spanish-language filmmaking, "Y Tu Mama Tambien" (And Your Mother Too), has broken Mexican box office records for local productions in its opening week. Gary Dreams With ticket sales this weekend alone in excess of 4.5 US Dollars, this is indeed the largest capital return of any entertainment venture ever attempted in Mexico. When asked what he felt brought on this flurry of box-office buyouts, Cuaron was quoted as saying (in Spanish) "Well, in "Y Tu Mama," I was setting up my characters and locations, and now in "Y Tu Mama Tambien," I have the freedom to explore these worlds, and people are really excited about that." This reporter doesn't want to give away too many of the movie's exciting moments, but we can tell you to look for a dramatic return by "Y Tu Mama" star, "Bumblebee Guy." "¡Le MATO mal perro!" (I KILL you bad dog!) "¿tu quiere el Señor Plátano?" (Do you like Mr. Banana?) "Nooo, no quiero tambien" (Nooo, I don't like him either) Headline Spike Lee eyes "Rent" for film adaptation Reuters Jun 17 2001 11:39PM HOLLYWOOD (Variety) - Spike Lee, last in theaters with the showbiz satire "Bamboozled," has expressed interest in directing a film version of the popular Broadway musical "Rent." Gary Dreams You know, I'd really like to hear an Ebonics version of the song "One Night in Bangkok." That'd probably be funny as hell. I know it's from the musical "Chess," and has nothing to do with Spike Lee, but it would be awesome. Hey, this my friggin' dream. Get your own. "Yo. What is up, my brothers?" "Uh oh, I'm in serious shiggity. Whitey ain't gonna like this..." "awe c'mon fellas, I loved the Bill Cosby show.. and RAP!" Headline Universal unwraps big fall video bows Reuters Jun 17 2001 8:32PM HOLLYWOOD (Variety) - Universal has set itself up for a monster fall in home video revenues, with "Shrek," "The Mummy Returns" and last year's top-grossing "Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas" all set for video and DVD release. Gary Dreams A Universal rep. when asked about the somewhat piss-poor quality of the wholly uninteresting plots of these and many more Universal DVD's being released this year, was quoted as saying "You're not understanding how amazingly well these movies ARE holding together! We don't write screenplays for special-effects movies anymore. We've learned that the average movie consumer these days doesn't really care - they just wanna see shit explode and watch Jim Carrey make an ass of himself. They wanna talk on their cell phones and shoot the people on the screen with their pocket lasers. As an example of our current workflow, we spent our entire budget on FX guys for Shrek, then we just let them make cool shit and strung all that together when our money ran out. You just don't GET it here, people..." "I want my baby back baby back baby back..." The People's Choice: whatever sucks really hard. ShmmmmoOKIN!!! Headline McVeigh Book To Be Miniseries for CBS The Associated Press Jun 15 2001 11:20PM BUFFALO, N.Y. (AP) - Timothy McVeigh's bombing of the Oklahoma City federal building will be made into a miniseries based on a book by two Buffalo reporters, according to CBS executives. Gary Dreams "We have a little contest with ourselves at the network" one CBS exec added, "to see how much more important we can make Tim than Mother Nature herself." Another exec added "Oh, and just to deify the mass murderer a little more, we're currently in production on a quite irreverent Saturday morning children's cartoon show about McVeigh entitled: "Mr. Kablooie and the Night-Night Needle." We couldn't get more details out of the network, but this reporter is willing to bet it'll be a big, stinky pile of shit, kinda like Captain Planet, with a vendetta, which is kinda like Jean-Claude Van Damme. More powerful than a loaded magnum, able to level tall buildings in a single bomb... For breaking up our monotonous existence, we've given him more fame than Mother Theresa I wouldn't be surprised one bit... What the f*ck is wrong with us?