The bastion of free speech and uncensored personal expression that we know as the world wide web is based on two important and noble tenets:
One, that no matter who you are or what you have to say, you may freely, easily, and instantaneously deliver your message to anyone in the world, regardless of ideology, geography, and nationality, and two, that no matter what you say, nobody will care except for one 13 year old kid who writes in to call you a "fuckhed."
The sites that puzzle me the most are online diaries. How much do you have to love yourself before you start posting your entire life online? How much do you NEED to be the center of attention? It's like the internet equivalent to that little girl you see at the public pool, standing on the end of the diving board and screaming, "Look! Looka me! I'm gonna do a flip! HEY! I'm gonna do a FLIP! LOOOOK!"
But people must read them, right? Or else why would they exist? What I'm wondering is, how interesting does somebody have to be before people that don't even know them will read about their lives? I mean, I love Jerry Bruckheimer movies, but if he had a web page where I could read about what his pee smelled like that morning, I'd take a big pass on that.
Today online diaries have advanced to the next level with the advent of the weblog, or "blog." Using web based tools, people can now instantly post whatever innermost thoughts poop out of their brains directly to the web, without having to go through the troubling process of thinking for a damn second about whether or not what they just wrote was completely retarded.
Of course, the misinformants aren't the type to knock until we've tried. This week, for science, I will be blogging every idea that pops into my head, unedited and uncensored, as frequently as I can. It's a little piece of voyeuristic internet ego masturbation that I like to call...
What's goin' on? posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 9:40 PM
Monday, June 25, 2001
Heh heh. Yeah! HI EVERYBODY! I am so angsty right now.
If the post that I had made last night had gone through, which it didn't, you would know that Earthlink, or as I like to call them Earthstink, or even Earthfuckingsuck has not yet hooked up our broadband lines, but in consolation was offering us a dialup slower than the blood flow to Casper Van Dien's brain.
Well, today our service in the office is no longer slow. Now it's NON EXISTENT. No hard feelings though, right? I mean, when running a comedy website, how important is internet access really?
Anyway, I'm writing this from the first internet cafe that I could find. And it's a trendy place too. Oooh boy. Like a Cyber Starbucks. You can't swing a set of SUV keys in here without hitting somebody with colored glasses and a iMac colored cell phone. I had to order an f'in Half-caff-laff-track-ass-crack-double-frozen-mocha-choka-la-ta-yaya just to use this computer for five minutes.
I'll post again if I can find a public library or something. Maybe performance art wasn't my calling. I'm gonna go and punch out that fucker with the phone that plays "Freebird."
Ah ha! So what they say about the squeaky wheel is true after all. I return to the office to find Caster IMing a 14 year old girl. It appears everything is back to normal. Ahhhh. posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 12:21 PM
My foot is killing me today! I have like, this massive cramp in it. I tried to rub it out and everything. I mean, you know, rub like a massage, not "rub it out" like a hit man would rub it out. Or, you know, kill it. I didn't try to kill my foot. posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 12:53 PM
How does a magnet work? I mean, damn. It's like magic. posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 1:31 PM
Didja ever drink carrot juice? Man that stuff is nasty! It's like, my brain expects it to taste like Tang, 'cause it looks like Tang, but then you drink it and... CARROT! It's too weird. I don't approve. posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 1:47 PM
What is this, some kind of disco or country club? No wait, my bad. This is L.A. posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 2:18 PM
My foot still hurts. posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 2:33 PM
I HATE Starbucks commercials! I hate the way that this woman says "yummy." Goddammit. There's a whole wide wonderful language out there, don't use the word "yummy" like you're four years old. And stop acting like Starbucks coffee is the solution to all of life's problems. Everybody knows that booze is the solution to all of life's problems.
At the risk of sounding like some kind of unoriginal stand-up act, what's the deal with Starbucks being EVERYWHERE? And why don't they ever go out of business? It's eerie. You can walk to four different Starbucks from my house, yet none of them are lacking in customers. If you built, say, four Denny's within walking distance of my house, at least two of them would go under in a month for lack of senior citizens and stoned college kids.
I guess there's just enough phoney hipsters around here to support the bloat.
... and what the fuck is a tazzleberry? posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 2:54 PM
Okay, so I had to drink that fancy pants "coffee" this morning at the cafe. Now my pee smells like coffee. I hate that. I suppose it's better than your coffee smelling like pee. posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 3:50 PM
Man, I'm bored. I wish I had, like, some action figures or something. Or a waterslide. posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 4:05 PM
Hey, my foot feels better! That makes me happy! I wonder what happened. I drank a Coke, maybe that did it. The guy outside the Shell told me that you can use Coke to clean a toilet or for birth control, why wouldn't it help a cramped up foot? It's making some great burps too! posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 4:20 PM
If you wanna floss you've got your own? What are you talking about J-Lo? I can only assume that we're not talking about dental floss, right? Maybe we are. I mean, sure, that makes sense. If I want to floss I've got my own too. M-Ha's not sharing with you, even if you are Jennifer Lopez. Then again, ever since I had braces I haven't been too into flossing, so I guess I'd just give her mine if she wanted it, which she doesn't, as she's made it quite clear that she has her own. posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 4:30 PM
Why do people on Napster always credit any parody songs to "Weird Al" Yankovic? Even songs that are dirty and outside of his white bread, family friendly, Disney Channel ouvre. For future reference, Napsterites, Weird Al has never been recorded saying the words "vagina" or "tittie funbags." Even songs that are obviously performed by women with women voices are listed as being by Al.
You know what, folks? Al didn't invent the parody. He's not the only one in the genre. Hell, he doesn't even do parody that well anymore. That's right, Al, just write another song about eating food and being fat. If you can, try to work in something about an old TV show too. People love that stuff. And be sure to mention pitchforks, bagels, weasels, jello, and anything else on your short list of "wacky random" things.
Why do the birds in this neighborhood chirp all night? It's unnerving. Not because the noise bothers me, but because chirping birds is a daytime noise. It's disturbing in the same way it's disturbing when you can hear somebody snoring at lunchtime. Why are they still asleep? Are they that hung over? Did they work the graveyard shift down at the factory? Did they finally pass out after a long night of kidnapping schoolchildren and boarding them up in a sex shanty at the edge of town? By the same token, why do these birds chirp at night?
I have this image in my head of these nightmarish mole-birds with eyes completely enclosed in non-opening flaps of grown-over skin, chirping at a sun that they don't know isn't there.
Why must the internet be so slow all the time, all over the place, galore? Does anybody out there know a good web based email that doesn't suck? I've tried like, a million of them, and found that despite how much it really sucks, it seems Hotmail sucks slightly less than all the others. Does anybody know one that actually doesn't suck? posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 11:18 AM
I've got Alanis Marmosette's "Ironic" stuck in my head. posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 11:52 AM
Okay, so my girlfriend had this brilliant idea the other day for Ginsu Ninjas. I didn't get it. I was like "So, they're like, ninjas that use Ginsu knives?" and she's like, "No, the ninjas are the knives."
So I was like, "You mean, like, knives called 'ninja', or like, knives shaped like ninjas?" And she was like, "NO! The ninjas use the knives, but you use the ninjas!"
I thought about it for a long hard minute, then offered, "So what you mean is, it's like a ninja with big Ginsu knives, that you, like, hold by the ankles over a cucumber, and it slices it for you?" A big frustrated smile spreads across her face, and she's all "YES! Exactly! It took you long enough, genius."
How is it that I come out of this being the slow one?
Why does Stevie Wonder have to rip off all of his songs from Will Smith? posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 12:59 PM
Do you remember a TV show that was on in the 80s at some point (probably briefly), where this family was going on a tour of the great pyramid, and then their sleasy guide wanted them to pay more when they got to the center, but the dad refused, and the guide abandoned them, and they ended up in an alternate dimension where everything was generic?
I remember there was this one scene where they were eating dinner, and the dad was like "Mmmm, honey this is good, what is it?" and the mom was like "It's good food," and he's like, "I know it's good food, but what is it," and she says, "I don't know, it just says 'good food." Then she shows a can that's white with black letters that says "good food." What was that shit all about?
And while I'm at it, was there an episode of Gilligan's Island where Gilligan got really really fat, and to help him lose weight, the Professor built this crooked table that would make all the food roll away from fat Gilligan? I have a fairly distinct memory of this, but nobody that I've ever asked has seen this show. Did I dream it? Am I privy to some secret TBS vault? Have you seen it? Please email me and let me know. posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 1:56 PM
Ahahahahaha! They're playing the theme to Friends on the radio. Like it's a real song or something. He he he he! I hope they play the theme to Sanford & Son next! posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 2:19 PM
It's like raaaAAaAaaAAAAaaaaiiin, on your wedding day... posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 2:21 PM
Well, shit dog. People really do read these things. This just in: i TOTALLY remember that show about the family with the pyramids. the guide abandons them while they're in the secret underground chamber, and the planets align some funky way, and they're sent to some parallel world where every city is in a different "bubble" of some sort and each place runs differently, so in one it's amazon women that rule and in another it's against the law to sneeze or something and the blond daughter was wicked hot and i had a huge crush on her and i was soooo pissed when they cancelled it without explaining if they ever got home and i wrote a letter to the network but never heard back. - Brian Newlin posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 2:27 PM
AAarrrRRrrgggHH! Why did it have to be Alanis Morissette? Why did I have to get an Alanis Morissette song stuck in my head? Why couldn't it be something less annoying, like, say, Yoko Ono, or a belt sander? posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 3:19 PM
You know, the more I hear this woman describe them in this commercial, the more I actually want a Starbucks coffee. I don't even like Starbucks coffee. Strange. posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 3:53 PM
I just saw a bumper sticker that said "Bush and Gore make me want to Ralph." I drove for five blocks before I realized that it was Green Party publicity, and not some freaked out anti-slasher movie propoganda. posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 3:58 PM
Says the girlfriend: I read misinformer. They are supposed to be tiny, miniature ninjas, with little knives. You know, a hand held ninja. Get it, genius head? posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 4:57 PM
An old man... turns 98... he's afraid to fly... or something... blah blah blah... it's so ironic... godammit... posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 5:39 PM
Wednesday, June 27, 2001
This morning I found the remains of a snatched purse on my front lawn. It was a pink, plastic deal, with a debris field of cosmetics leading to it, like the miniature handbag crew was desperately trying to jettison extra weight as it plunged helplessly out of orbit.
At first it made me think that I was living in a bad neighborhood. What with the stolen purse and all ending up in my yard. Then I realized that quite the opposite was true. This purse wasn't snatched in my neighborhood, it was looted in my neighborhood. Obviously somebody grabbed this from some unfortunate teenie bopper at some other location, and ran until their criminal little mind said "Hey, this looks like a very safe and wholesome place to dump this thing out and pick out the valuables, like a fat kid looking for peanut butter cups late on Halloween night."
I stood and looked at it with a puzzled expression for a few minutes, then I decided that the best course of action would be to pick up all the remaining stuff, put it back in the bag, and then hang it on the lightpost at the corner. That way if this girl came looking, she could at least find her smokes and zippo to console the loss of anything valuable that she might have had in her purse.
There were some things I found near the street that I wasn't sure actually came out of the bag, like the wrapper from a pack of WWF trading cards, and a non-winning bottlecap from a 20oz Coke. I put 'em all in anyway. Like consolation prizes. Like, sorry your wallet is gone, but here's an old parking ticket and part of a shoelace.
This just in: hEY i passed by your blog just now... and read your agony bout alanis morissette's song Ironic.. well, i thought that hillarious.. but, what do you have against her? i'm a big fan! :) in your homage, here it goes:
"an old man..turned 98 he won the lottery and die the next day..it's a black fly in your chardonnay it's a death row pardon 2 minutes too late..isn't it ironic? don't u think? it's like raaaaaaaaiiiinnnn on your wedding day..alalalalalaa" :P
so, hope it get stuck in your head again eheheh :)
peace!
cris
Thanks Cris! It was totally gone, but there it is. It's back. It's like you just gave me 10 thousand spoons, and all I need is a knife.
Have you noticed that the billboards for Dr. Dolittle 2 just say "Eddie" and "DR.2?" That's so weird. It's so casual. Using just the star's first name and the working abbreviation for the film in the advertising, totally neglecting the actual title of the film.
It almost seems like somebody skipped a step in the marketing. Like a memo came down that said "Somebody make a poster for Eddie's DR.2," and some poor intern on their first day just took the message literally instead of filling in the details.
It's like if the poster for The Talented Mr. Ripley just said "Matt. Mr."
It's a free riiIIIiIiiIIIIIIIiiiide, when you've already paid... posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 2:08 PM
Why is it that people drink frozen coffee anyway, Starbucks? I mean, okay, I'm a frequent flyer at the corner Shell, where I pick up my fat Big Gulp sized styrofoam cup of regular, good old fashioned American coffee flavored coffee for 75 cents a cup. When somebody in the Shell pours themselves a big ol' cup of cold coffee, they get all pissed and start yelling at the poor dude behind the counter. Meanwhile at Starbucks, the preppies are all paying 5 bucks a cup for frappuchino. What gives? Do they have any idea how much coffee costs in the real world? posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 3:20 PM
Why do all the boys think she's a spy because she has Bette Davis eyes? Bette Davis wasn't a spy, was she? posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 3:35 PM
The skeezy ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "la cucaracha." Ironic? Don't you think? It's like raaaaAaAaaaaain, on your wedding day... posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 3:50 PM
I love these announcements from SoCal Edison, talking about how to prepare yourself for when you're hit by a rolling blackout. They don't even say if anymore. At least they're speaking with certainty now. No more of this optimistic bullshit.
"You WILL lose your power, and you'd BETTER get used to the idea. Buy some batteries for the flashlight. Give away all the stuff in your freezer. If Grandma is on life support, kiss her goodbye."
Eeeew! Jesus! I just opened the door to go outside, and there was this weird beetle thing peeking out from the lock. Being a consummate lover of nature and all living things, and moreover one who hates to touch icky bugs, I just left it there and went and bought some patio furniture.
Ah yes, grocery store patio furniture. Geez, with the blank looks they gave me you'd think Von's never sold a set of stackable injection molded plastic chairs before.
Anyway, when I came home, that bug was still there, thrashing around and struggling to get out of the door. I couldn't believe it was still stuck, as it seemed to have almost all of its body and legs out already. So I went and got a tissue for padding (and because, of course, I hate touching bugs), and I gently grabbed the little mofo and pulled it out.
HOLY CRAP! That thing was like, an inch and a half long and had two big stingy hooks on the end! Damn! I hope it didn't lay eggs in my front door. That would suck ass. I took it over and dropped it off in the garden of the townhouse across the street. Let it breed its mutant spawn there.
So I was at this bar last night, and I ordered a martini. The bartender was like, "We're out of martini glasses, is that okay?"
Is that okay? What kind of a bar has a shortage of martini glasses?
"Um... I guess it's okay. So can I have it in, like, a tumbler or something?"
And she says, "No, we're out. I'll have to give it to you in a plastic cup."
...the *hell*? A martini out of a plastic cup is only acceptable if you're 16 years old and the person making it for you is a horny 16 year old girl who just busted open her vacationing parents' liquor cabinet. So there I am, sipping my martini out of a plastic cup, and all night people are assuming that I'm the designated driver.
"Just water tonight, Marcus? How noble. That's cute, putting an olive in it."
Once again, I'm a highly successful failure. This just in: See.....you were most likely trying to parody the "Tell-All Internet Diary" ganre, but you're doing it RIGHT! Snippets of thought randomly spaced on a webpage are a lot funnier than finding out how many urethras some guy has, just because he feels "liberated" by telling complete strangers he can pee in the toilet and hit the tub at the same time.... I made that poorly constructed example up.......and even if I did'nt, my urethra(s) are none of anyone's business......really... - Joel
This is insane. At the beginning of the week I started this blog with the idea that nobody reads them. That they are just a way of venting to null with the fleeting expectation that your desperate cries for help will be heard by anybody. Anybody at all. Yet as opposed to our usual features that seem to fall out of the end of the internet sluice pipes and splatter unseen on the floor, this week we've been getting a constant stream of emails, all of them positive, and most of them coming in mere moments after a post is made. Anyway, here's another fan:
Of course people read your blog.
Hotmail is great..why does it suck? It doesnt.
I love your blog, and read it often. Keep up the good work. "Keep up the good work?" how trite is that. Just keep writing, ok?
Read it often? Often? In the past three days? Time moves so fast with the people of the futuristic year 2001. Anyhoo, thanks for the kind words Danelle, your blog is mighty swell too I suppose. I'm sorry if you'll be disappointed when I stop writing this tomorrow. Oh yeah, and to answer your question, here's just a few ways that I think Hotmail sucks.
- If Foghat were still alive today, they'd write a song about Hotmail that went "Slow maaail *duhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuh* Take it eeeasy..."
- "You are visiting a site outside of Hotmail. Close this new browser window to return to Hotmail." Yes, thank you Hotmail. I'm familiar with these crazy "links" and "windows" that the kids are into today. You don't need to use your bullshit spyware frame to pretend to tell me that you've opened a new window when you're really using it to monitor what I'm looking at. Let's make a deal, you give me frame free windows, and at the end of every month, I'll send you a complete report of all the links to jokes about golfing and/or Bill Clinton that my dad has emailed me.
- The fabulous X-cam popups. Thanks! I don't need a fancy spycam to watch the babysitter across the street take her shirt off. I've got a telescope.
- Not being able to mask your Hotmail address AND not being able to forward Hotmail. You're out on vacation and you shoot off a Hotmail to your compadres, and next thing you know, they've all changed their address books and you never get another message from them at your regular email again. You're forced to check Hotmail for the rest of your life, and buy an amazing X-cam!
- More spam than a Monty Python compilation. You can open a brand new Hotmail account, not tell it to anybody or post it anywhere, and have ten emails trying to lower your home loan rates, fix your credit, and enlarge your penis the next day.
- MSN Messenger. It's really swell how it pops up every time that you open Hotmail or dial up. I like software that feels the need to suddenly open itself without me worrying my pretty little head about it. I only wish they would incorporate the paper clip office assistant into it too, so everytime I started my browser it came up and said, "It looks like you're connecting to the internet. Would you like to check your Hotmail? Would you like to buy an X-cam? Would you like a larger penis?"
Yet after all of this, it's disturbing that Hotmail is still one of the better web based mails I've used. I love Yahoo mail's functionality, except for that pesky way that it loses random emails, both incoming and outgoing. Oops! Ha ha! What, you wanted every email people send you? Well isn't somebody a little perfectionist?
I emailed them about the problem once, and they said, "Incoming mail that is lost is probably the result of the sender typing your email address incorrectly. When you're sending an outgoing mail, be sure to hit the "send" button before closing your browser."
What the fuck? Like my friends' computerized address books only spell my email address wrong 1/10th of the time? And I'm some kind of moron who writes a 12 page email and then thinks that the way to send it is by yanking the power cord out of the wall as hard as I can? At least Hotmail doesn't make excuses for itself. When it rapes you in the ass, it looks you in the eye.
Who would have thought? It figures. Day three of having "Ironic" stuck in my head. Please Death, come and grasp me with your sweet, cold, silent hands. posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 3:11 PM
The more I think about it, the more I think that bug I pulled out of my front door yesterday was one of those evil brain worms that Chekov had in his ear in Star Trek II. I hope my door doesn't go all renegade now. posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 4:08 PM
I love you guys. Some synapse in my brain that hasn't connected since 1987 fires an electrical burst, I post the memory flake online, and then next thing you know, I get this: That show with the pyriamid was called "Otherworld." The thing about the pyriamid wasn't that the pyriamid was a gateway, it was that it was supposed to be a blockade. The Egyptians built it to close the existing dimentional portal, they didn't build the portal themselves. Hope this helps. - Tom posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 4:36 PM
Didja ever take a dump that was like all corn? Christ, I've seen cobs with less corn than the poop I just made. posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 5:03 PM
Hey, Jack Lemmon died yesterday. That's sad. At least we've still got his old pal Walter Matthau to fill our lives with sunshine. posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 5:06 PM
He packed his suuuUUUUuuuUUuiiiitcase, and kissed his kids goodbye... crap poop crap fart poop fart crap. I'm sick of this damn song. It's just been throbbing in my skull like a piledriver all week.
Isn't it *THWHAM!* Ironic *THWHAM!*, don't you think? *THWHAM!* It's like raaaAAaaAAAaaain *THWHAM!*...
I have this theory about why songs get stuck in your head. I think that due to some momentary stimulation, your brain will start trying to play a song inside of itself. The trouble is, invariably your brain won't know all of the words, or it won't know what order they go in, or it won't remember exactly how the chorus goes, or whatever. So what it does is, it just keeps repeating the part it knows until it hits a blank, then it searches the vast reserves of your memory for the next line, fails, and begins the process again.
For example, since Tuesday, I've been looping "It's like rain" to "it figures," then hitting a mental block. I'm getting used to the idea that the only way I'm ever going to get rid of this is by actually listening to the song all the way through. Time to call the radio station for a request, I guess. Dammit.
It turns out Walter Matthau died like, two years ago. Damn. Now I've got no sunshine. posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 5:22 PM
Friday, June 29, 2001
From this morning's mailbag:
Ummm.......you know.....that thing that lives in your door lock?
Sounds like an earwig......they like small, warm spaces......like ear canals.....
"Kiptain.....Dey put......TINGS......in my ears!!!!"
That's amazing! Holy crap! How did you do that? That one on the right is exactly what I yanked, thrashing and clawing, from my front door the other day. First "Otherworld" and now this. Okay people, somebody come through with confirmation on the Gilligan thing and I'll officially dub the "blog" the most useful invention ever.
This morning I was surprised to see some all new graffiti on the previously clean wall across the street from my house. It looks like it was written with a quick and nervous hand, but as far as I can tell, the 8 foot scrawl reads "SMPTE MIDGET."
Again, I thought this meant that I was living in a bad neighborhood full of hooligans, until I realized that it was obviously written by some tiny, frustrated video editor. I pictured three dwarves with backpacks full of Betacam tapes, balanced on each other's shoulders in a wobbly stack, careening back and forth, while the top one spray painted their gang name on the wall.
Okay, you know what would be really funny? Okay, imagine this... okay, this is good. Alright, imagine you're getting married by Regis Philbin, okay, and he says, "Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?" and then... hehehehehe! No, okay, listen... and then you say "I do." And then he says... "IS THAT YOUR FINAL ANSWER!" AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HO! HO! HOOOOOOO! YEAH! HAHAHAHAHAHA! WHOOO! Whoooo! heh heh. Woo! posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 10:29 AM
Fresh off the wire: He He... I'm reading this week's misinformer... What IS wrong with Gary... I mean, damn! I wasn't sure weather to laugh until I cried, chuckle sympathetically but uncomfortably, or run heaving for the toilet. Either way, it's hard on my stomach. And think of this: are we laughing WITH him, AT him, or just at the absurdity that someone like him exists?
Gary is one of the great, imponderable mysteries of the universe. That is, indeed, why we love him.
Do you think when Juice Newton sang "Love's Been a Little Bit Hard On Me," that she ever realized how many times she was saying "hard on?" posted by Marcus Alexander Hart at 11:36 AM
You know what, Alanis? You have no idea what the word "ironic" means, do you? Let's review.
i·ron·ic (i-ron-ik) adj. - Characterized by often poignant difference or incongruity between what is expected and what actually is.
Example of Irony: After vehemently defending the taste of bitter, horrible Starbucks coffee, Stephan gagged to death after taking a sip of Caffe Americano.
Example of not-Irony: It's meeting the man of my dreams, and then meeting his beautiful wife.
Perhaps Alanis should have entitled her song "Doesn't it suck," as it would be safe to say that situations such as a traffic jam when you're already late and a no smoking sign on your cigarette break, while in no way ironic, do in fact suck.
From Timb the Eeee: Checkers is so bad and unappealing that their brand new written-on-everything tagline is "You Gotta Eat". im serious.
Has America gone this stupid? Checkers' "You Gotta Eat," when added to ABC's "TV is Good," and Coca-Cola's "Life tastes Good," marks the Holy Trinity of the Lowest Common Denominator. At least the second grade ad execs at Checkers ditched their first idea of "Food Good." They knew that if they just tried hard and put in some late nights that they could really come up with something brilliant. Something worthwhile. Something to point at in a photo album when they're 97 years old and go "Yeah, that was me. I wrote that."
Sure I mock, but obviously these people went to many years of post secondary education to come up with these snappy blurbs. How many years did I go to Commercial School? Zero. So I contacted a local advertising firm, and after paying them six digits and waiting on hold literally minutes for their pitch, we now have secured our site's place in the intellectually pulsating, year 2001 marketing landscape.
From now on, misinformer.com's tagline will be "Me like Funny."
So I downloaded "Ironic" and listened to it. All the empty gaps in the song that my brain couldn't deal with are now filled, and the curse has been lifted. The song is gone... It's all quiet in there...
misinformer's final words: Well folks, despite various email pleas to continue this mess, this will be my final blog entry. Thanks for reading and for, as always, proving me wrong. Never can I have a theory that you people don't effectively shoot down. As it turns out, blogs aren't just a place for fat teenage girls to talk about what color they painted their toenails that day. They're fun, they don't hurt anybody, and if you're lucky, they might just teach you a little something about Entomology.
If you're going to do this thing, please do us all a favor and follow my new blog buddy Kate's Rules You Must Follow. She's read more online journals than you have street signs. She knows what she's talking about. Unlike me, who doesn't.
Goodnight everybody. Come on back here next week for more online shenanigans from misinformer.com: Me like Funny.
ALRIGHT! I admit it! Not only do I not hate "Ironic," but I LOVE it! It's the only Alanis song that I won't turn the radio away from, because it's SO GOOD!
I secretly sing it in the car when nobody is around. *sob!* I'm so ashamed!
It's my guilty pleasure. I'm sorry. I had to get this off of my chest. Ahhh... it feels like such a weight has been lifted... Sing it loud, sing it proud, it's like raaaAAAaAAAaAAAaiiiiIIIiin, on your wedding day...
