It's no secret that most of the misinformants have pretty low self-esteem. We know that you can tell that we got the snot beat out of us pretty regularly as kids.
So when we get emails from our fans telling us how funny we are, and how we bring sunshine into your otherwise dreary lives, please forgive us if we act like you're just trying to get us to come out of our psychological shells long enough for you to pants us in front of the whole school. It's not that we don't believe you, per say, it's just that we're used to unsolicited praise being quick bedfellows with all the cheerleaders pointing to our crotches and laughing.
Recently, however, we've received several emails that have set us straight. You're not all writing to set us up for underwear revealing humiliation. The truth is, you think we're so funny because you're just mental. As exhibit A, we proudly present the feature you wrote, our...
Cybiko sent me a box labeled "CyX3" in Russian. I opened it, and I saw this weird looking device. The best picture I got:
I called Cybiko, and after tech support waiting music finished, I was talking to Donald Wisniewski.
mis: Hello.
Cybiko: Hello. How may I help you?
mis: I recieved a CyX3. Can you tell me how it works and all?
Cybiko: Whoa! Cybla.com gets bingo!
mis: Actually, this is err... cybla.com yea..
Cybiko: First, let me show you what it has that's different to the CyX2 and Cybiko. This one powers on when you flick the antenna forward, unlike the Esc power on in Cybiko Model 2 and CyX2 and slide switch in Cybiko Model 1.
mis: Oh, and I notice it has mouse support, like the Palm 9xc.
Cybiko: Don't compare mighty CyX3 to crappy Palm 9xc!
mis: Ok.
Cybiko: Have you turned it on?
mis: I see that it runs an OS similar to Windows Me.
Cybiko: AHH! That's CyOS 3.0.15!
mis: Oh, cool. I notice it supports color.
Cybiko: It also has the same speakers that you see at concerts.
mis: Just give me a quick review on it.
Cybiko: The processor is 5GHz, it has 600 gigs of Flash, and 600 gigs of RAM, 512 megs of video memory, same display size, quadrillion of colors are supported, and it uses LAN instead of USB or RS232 to connect to your PC.
mis: LAN? That's stupid. A lot of people don't have LAN cards.
Cybiko: We include a LAN card for both laptops and desktops.
mis: But, a lot of computer companies void the warranty if you open the PC.
Cybiko: the LAN card is alive, it teleports into your PC.
mis: COOL!
Cybiko: Yep.
mis: What about wireless internet?
Cybiko: CyWIG is obsolete. The CyX3 has the internet coming from everything around you.
mis: What do you mean?
Cybiko: Stupid American. Walls, light, doors, buildings, EVERYTHING, they contain the INTERNET.
mis: That sounds weird. Wait, it WORKS!
Cybiko: duh.
- As you see, the CyX3 is accessing cybiko.com.
mis: I see Cybiko.com on it.
Cybiko: good for you.
mis: Do you plug in accessories like in the Gameboy?
Cybiko: ACK! I've had enough of you comparing other handhelds to mighty CyX3!
mis: Sorry.
Cybiko: BTW, the accessories are connected through infrared.
mis: cool.
Cybiko: Thus making the CyCards obsolete.o
mis: Is there going to be a infrared to Cybiko/CyX2 CyCard slot adapter?
Cybiko: yep.
mis: Cool! I managed to run a .EXE file.
Cybiko: It runs EXE, RPM, HGX, etc.
mis: Oh, cool!
Cybiko: You don't use CyID's anymore.
mis: what then?
Cybiko: You use your Cybiko.com CyLogin.
mis: Cool!
Cybiko: If you are wondering, the CyX3 communicates with ALL systems. Not just CyX3/CyX2/Cybiko.
mis: cool.
Cybiko: The CyX3 has a slot that won't fit CyCards, but it fits PCI, VHS, CD, DVD, N64, SNES, NES, GB, GBA, GBC, PS, PS2, Dreamcast, X-box, and ALL MEDIA.
Date: 4 Jun 2001 23:18:14 -0800 From: Jake Merritt Subject: Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse
Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were up in a hotel room and decided that
they wanted to have sex. Well, the first thing Minnie asks is, "Do
you have a condom?" Donald says "No." Minnie tells Donald that if
he doesn't get a condom that they can't have sex and suggests to
Donald that he go buy a condom. She says that maybe they sell them at
the front desk. Donald proceeds to go downstairs and gets to the
front desk. He asks the hotel clerk if they sell condoms. The clerk
says "yes we do" and pulls one out from under the desk and gives it
to Donald. The clerk asks "Would you like me to put that on your
bill?" Donald says "NO! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, SOME KIND OF PERVERT?
Jaheeeeezus CHRIST, Jake! I'm out of breath just READING that shit. As Polonius once said, "Brevity is the soul of wit, fuckwack."
Every time I read this, it always turns into the "band camp girl" from American Pie in my head. "And then, one time at band camp, Minnie Mouse told Donald to get a condom, and..."
I've never seen an off-color joke before that documented a blow by blow account of every single second that passes between the start and the punch line. So wait, wait, let me get this straight... Minnie tells Donald that they can't have sex if he doesn't get a condom, and so then she tells him he can get a condom at the front desk, and then he goes to the front desk, and then he asks for a condom, and then the clerk takes one out from under the desk? Whoa whoa! Slow it down there, Jakemeister! You've gotta try to paint me a mental picture here.
I do like the casual air about it though. Our cartoon pals didn't plan a tryst against their eyelashed/non-eyelashed Disney doppelgangers. They just happened to be in a hotel room, and heck, decided to have sex! I know we've all been there a million times.
And for the record, if you're a duck having sex with a mouse, you're a pervert.
-- Marcus
Date: Monday, July 09, 2001 6:30 PM From: James Weber Subject: Save Surge!
Dear Tim,
Sorry to say, but I did not sign your SAVE SURGE petition and I would like to have my
name removed. My friend Steven Seibert is a Surge nut and, he is the one
that used my name (without my permission!) in a desperate attempt to save
his favorite beverage.
I have the utmost hatred for Surge since it was the
incarnation of Surge that led to the Demise of my all time Favorite Beverage
Mello Yello! Where were you guys with your petitions when I was in your
current situation? And now that Coca - Cola has finally come to its
collective senses and started producing Mello Yello once again, I can rest
easy!
The Last few years have not been easy to deal with and, I hope that
you and your supporters don't have to go through what I and the Mello Yellow
faithful had to endure. I wish you all the luck in you campaign as I feel
that there is a market for both Surge and Mello Yello. However, I can not
give you my support based on the past history involving these two.
Good Luck,
James Weber
Your name stays on petition, you Mello Yello drinking freak! It's people
like you that caused this problem in the first place, and I hold you
personally responsible!
Your friend was right in his decision to use your name on the petition
without your permission, and I hope he creates a million aliases and we get
SURGE back so that we can be rid of that wretched Mello Yello! If he were
here right now, I would shake his hand and offer him a can from my dwindling
stash.
You'll see, mister so and so. One day, not too far off, I will bleed
streams of green citrus-like soda from my eyes, as I weep with joy on the way
to a store bereft of a single drop of piss-flavored Mello Yello!
FEED THE RUSH!
-- Timb the Enchanter
Date: Tue, 3 July 2001 17:28:50 EDT From: Andrea Salon Subject: Some movies you should rent and sprinkle over the Pacific
Hey Gary,
I was just thinking here, and a few movie ideas came to me...
ANYWHERE BUT JIM
Jim Carrey in all his glory, or lack thereof! You've seen him bring a mask
to life, help the Grinch steal Christmas, and still find time to summon up
Andy Kauffman from the dead (why, we're not sure). Where was there to turn
but down? In "Anywhere," Jim Carrey actually plays Jim Carrey (yeah, it's
like "Rubberface," shut up)! You can't believe how boring Jim really is in
real life, when he isn't being someone else. Come see the proof in his
pudding-like face. Anyone on earth, including each and every fat, lazy
audience member is more exciting to watch than Jim Carrey, which is why he's
spent his whole life mastering the ability to be anyone BUT Jim Carrey.
LAWRENCE OF ARABIA: EPISODE I
This gripping 14-part saga treks descriptively through the first 25 years of
this legend's life. Learn the truth behind the man that some have labeled
"that tripped-out whacko from the desert." All 7.5 hours are talentedly
brought to life through the unique abilities of Joey Lawrence and his
outstanding cast of progressively younger clone-like brothers. For the first
time ever, you will feel the pain and torment that it was and still is to be
a Lawrence, in all its horror. Whoa! Look for a special appearance by Jim
Carrey, as Lawrence's camel.
DARK BULLETS
Danny Glover and Samuel L. Jackson are cops on the beat, taking to the
streets to prove that you don't need a token white guy to kick some mother
lovin' ass, F.O.P. style! Eddie Murphy stars hysterically as the Joe Pesci
character, and look for an abundance of big-name cameos including Chris Rock,
and Jim Carrey as Danny Glover's elderly black female landlord.
Yeah, I'm smokin' pot again...
-A
LOL! Who's got the best fans? Gary does. In your face, Caster!
-- Gary
Date: Sat, 21 Apr 2001 19:04:37 EDT From: Ronda Photo Subject: about a review
From your review of Spy Kids:
"And why shouldn't it? Spy Kids was written and directed by Robert
Rodriguez,
a guy who grew up in Texas, which as far as I can tell is just Mexico with
a
bunch of rich old white assholes in big white cowboy hats and white
mustaches
shooting pistols out of their white Cadillacs with steer horns on the
front."
I find this terribly offensive. Of course, I probably shouldn't take
offense
from a person who is worse than any "rich old white asshole" Texan. You
are
after all a 24 year old "married but looking" man, who criticizes movies
(and
sterotype states) for fun (or for whatever reason you do it for).
By the
way, I am not a rich old white asshole, I don't even own a cowboy hat, much
less a big white one, and I don't shoot my nonexistant pistol out of my
nonexistant white Cadillac with steer horns on the front.
Sincerely,
One pissed off Texan
Okay, I admit I've been sitting on this one for a while, trying to figure out how to respond. The words are English, but I only understand about 75% of them. It's like the email equivalent to a Guy Ritchie movie.
I understand that this person is from Texas, and that they enjoy pissing themselves off by personally seeking out overblown comedic stereotypes of Texans on web sites so certain their own opinion is bullshit as to sport the headline "The web's worst movie reviews." I get that part just fine.
But what the hell is all of this about being "married but looking?" Huh whaaa? I'm neither married nor looking. In your quest to irritate yourself, have you combined me with other people that you hate, in an effort to make your own super-hated Frankenemisis? Does your hubby have a roving eye, Ronda? Did somebody steal your cowboy hat? Did daddy take away the gun and the Caddy? Don't fret none, we can work through this.
And I'm sorry if I've offended you. Apparently not all Texans are rich, old, and white. Some are just assholes.
