Mount Comedy

Being the pulsating online comedy guru that I tell teenage girls I am, you can imagine that when I sit down to check my email each day, I probably have several hundred new messages waiting for me. Well, it's true! It's all true. In fact, it's so self-evidently true, it can almost be called one of life's "truisms." The only thing keeping it from true truism status is the fact that most of these hundreds of emails are from programming lists I've joined. However, the remaining few are from loving fans, who bombard my inbox with links and forwards so funny, I simply must devote some time to reading through them, or suffer the dripping, tattered wounds of an incomplete life. My bookmarked backlog of things I "HAVE TO SEE!" is so huge now, so beyond my ability to ever finish reading them in my lifetime, that I can only sit back and cry, staring at the infinite inbox of humor before me, knowing full-well I'll never get through it all before my untimely death (at age 86 - I learned that online, too). I'm sitting here with all the Earth's comedy at my fingertips, and I've never been so miserable in my life... Oh look, more email.

Every now and then I need to turn away from the influx of ideas and come up with some of my own. That's why each month I like to roll out a new video game idea, and seeing as how it's been awhile since I showcased any of them, here's my latest - you may commence with the hating...

The idea here is that you're Lara Croft (not really), except HUGE. You're like 1200lbs. Because of this, and some supernatural event, your body begins to digest its own skeleton. Meanwhile, your estranged father gets kidnapped, and he has the plans for like, saving the world, or auto-programming vcr's, and you realize that only you can save him, blessed with your new super powers.

So, unwilling hero that you are, you make your way slowly out of your house (this is level 1), and several game-play hours later, you're out and on your way for wacky misadventures all through your suburbian wasteland, and then finally into like jungles or something. I don't care, wherever. The point is, as you're traveling, you have a time limit to get to your father. Now I'm not talking about some dumb, pointless countdown in the top of your screen. I mean you're fighting the forces of nature! As you travel, be careful not to go too quickly, lest you trip and fall and break something. Also, consider that travelling quickly increases your metabolism, thusly increasing the speed at which your digestive system is somehow devouring your skeleton!!! But don't go TOO slowly, or you'll never get to him in time. You'll be dead. That's the idea here. You're dying. You're eating your own body from the inside out. You have a mission, and an expiration date.

Along the way, all sorts of things will guide you, aid you, and throw things out of windows at you while screaming "Look at the WHALE!" You'll have to challenge not only gravity, and shifting your weight from foot to foot without dying, but also the urban dilemma of having to cross the city whilst being a more-than-noticably overweight woman. You'll suffer the cruelties of your own body's failings, and the slings and arrows of the more misunderstanding members of your species.

Eventually, your skeleton will be completely absorbed. At this point, your new super power is "oozing." Your most powerful foes become steps and gradual inclines. It's a battle to find any patch of "downhill" you can. But OH NO! Now your retarded digestive system is after your muscles! You'd better hurry! You'll be getting weaker and weaker, and your ability to roll yourself end-over-end will rapidly decrease as the minutes tick onward. Oh, CRUEL FATE!!!

Ultimately, should you find your father or not, you die. That's part of the moral lesson of the game. I guess. Hell if I know. I just want to see a game with a fat character for once. I'm tired of dead sexy and muscular. Aren't you? Am I alone here on this one?