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The more I think about it, the more I think this list is a really amazingly good and important idea. I mean, it's a real contract made with your woman that can seem like a joke when you're making it, yet could actually be cause for your wildest sexual fantasies to come true, all without falling from the good graces of your sweet lovergirl.
I mean, can you imagine... You've always wanted to boink, say, Julia Roberts. Always. Since you were a kid and you saw her in Pretty Woman. You don't want to marry Julia Roberts, you just want to make her call you Big Poppa for an hour. Then one day you see her at the grocery store, picking up a box of Lucky Charms.
"Julia," you say, "You eat Lucky Charms? I LOVE Lucky Charms!"
"Really?" she says, "Let's fuck!"
Yee-haaw! Let's get it on! But wait! You have a GIRLFRIEND! And you didn't take the measly ten minutes to sit down and write out your stinkin' List of Five. You can't touch Julia Roberts. It would be cheating to the highest magnitude if you did.
You're boned. And Julia isn't.
It seems to me like the others are not taking this list very seriously. As far as I'm concerned, making a List of Five is more important than writing your Last Will and Testament.
Why would you include a cartoon character in your List? That's a WASTED ENTRY! That decreases the field in which you may safely sew your wild oats by 20%! For nothing! Sure the odds of bumping uglies with Terry Farrell is improbable, but doing the deed with Judy Jetson is just impossible.
Like any good legal and binding document, I'm making the assumption that the List of Five, once written, cannot be altered on a whim. Once you commit, I think it's yours for the rest of your life. That's why I, unlike the others, didn't just scribble down the first five names that popped into my loins, but instead, actually put a great deal of thought into the future integrity of my list as the years wear on.
By Caster
She's hot. Super hot. Those lips, those eyes, those snoobs. The way she rides a motorcycle without a helmet.
Yet despite all this, she's still relatively untapped. I mean, she's not like Meg Ryan or some other skank that you see in the tabloids shacking up with a different star every week. Jessica seems to be a pretty clean slate. No double bagging required.
Not only that, but her career thus far offers a certain sense of increased possibility for copulation in the future. I mean, she's no snobby superstar like Sarah Michelle Gellar or anything. Where can she go from Dark Angel?
There's the minute chance of her achieving skyrocketing stardom. Suddenly being awarded movies and perfume ads, and bodyguards, and general inapproachability, making her inclusion on my list all in vain. However, it seems far more likely to me that she's going to be one of those "her star burned so brightly for such a short time" kind of celebrities.
I mean, have you watched Dark Angel. Man, besides the hot chick that stars on it, that show blows ass! I predict she's got nowhere to go but down, down down, until she's actually in my league.
Oh Mariah... I've loved you since I was in junior high, watching the video for "Emotions" with the sound turned off. My Lord, you have an annoying voice. I remember at the time people claimed that your high note in that song would trigger their garage door openers. Of course that's bullshit, but you did manage to get my "garage door a risin'" if you know what I'm saying. And you still do.
Mariah is just as hot today as she was ten years ago. She's an investment that retains her value. If I had put her on a List of Five that I made in 1991, I would still not regret it to this day. She's the Long Term Investment Bond of hot chicks.
And as those of you who keep up on current events know, Mariah has recently lost her freakin' mind. But does that make her any less hot? Hell no! This is what "buy low, sell high" is all about! In a desperate time like this, a turbo hoochie like Mariah Carey just might actually sleep with me!
Mariah is a low-risk, high yield investment. Plus I don't have any other musical stars on my list, and it's always good to diversify your portfolio.
Kari Wuhrer is another choice that has had a high index of sexification over the years, but Kari is so much more. Kari is a "Best of" compilation that manages to cleanly and compactly collect at least three different "girl genres I want to get with" into one neat slot on my list.
For one thing, with her run on MTV's Remote Control, she completely romps the other contenders in the "Sexy Game Show Spokesmodel" category. I can eliminate Vanna White, Jenny McCarthy, and all of Barker's Beauties from my list. Because of Kari I used Wella hair styling mousse until I was in the ninth grade.
The whole Remote Control thing combines with her starring role on Swamp Thing to also sweep the "Childhood Fantasy Coming True" category. With this, I no longer need lament that I will never hook up with some of my first crushes, including Louise Robey (the hot chick from Friday the 13th: The Series), Andrea Elson (Lynn Tanner from ALF), and Jan Smithers of WKRP in Cincinnati fame.
And as if that isn't enough, she further culls the herd by also being a firearm femme in who looks right at home with a big gun on Sliders. The men know what I'm talking about. I can't explain it. It's a Freudian thing. By packing heat, Kari trims Linda Hamilton, Juliette Lewis, Lori Petty, and even Pamela Anderson from the pack.
Kari Wuhrer, you are every woman, and I will have you. Regardless of the fact that I have no idea how to pronounce your last name.
Does this one even need any explanation? How can you go wrong with Lucy Lawless? I mean, she's Xena: Warrior Princess for crying out loud!
But I don't want her because of a character that she's famous for playing. I want her for what playing said character has physically turned her into. A six foot, muscle-bound wrecking ball with silky black hair and a jawline like an aircraft carrier.
I'm shooting for variety in my selections, and I think that Lucy is the only one on my list who could completely make me her bitch. Sweet and demure is all fine and good, but sometimes you just want a girl who can physically dominate you in every way. To bind you and hurt you and make you wish that you had never been born... but, you know, in a sexy way.
And to kill two birds with one stone, she's also foreign. But not just any foreign, she's from New Zealand. Tie me kangaroo down, sport, a Kiwi accent is just about the sexiest thing that you can do with a mouth and a set of lungs.
Yeah, I know. Ha ha. I had to go there. Laugh at Caster, the pedophile and lame joke over-user.
Well listen up, you foresight lacking boob: I'm not saying that I want to have sex with an underage girl or two. What I'm saying is, Mary Kate and Ashley are only about three years from legality. Considering I've gone for nearly a quarter of a century without actually having a girlfriend, the odds are pretty good that I won't be in a committed relationship to "Five out of" any time before 2004.
By the time I can even use the Olsens, they'll be plenty legal, while everybody else on the list is positively menopausal. Betcha didn't think of that, smartie.
Plus, because I put them in the contract while they're still considered one entity, in the event that they split up, I'm "grandfathered in." I still get to do twins, and they only count as one strike against my list. Pretty sweet, huh?
In the meantime, this project has inspired me to go out there and find me a girlfriend! I don't want to miss the opportunity to sleep with any of these people simply for the fault of being single.
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