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When Marc posed the idea of the List of Five to me in the form of an email, my first thought was "but I don't have a girlfriend." Then at the end of the email I found "PS. Don't write me and say you don't have a girlfriend." Curses. Foiled again. For a moment there, I thought I had loopholed my way out of some work. So I thought. I thought and I thought. I went through famous names and actors, and birthday lists online, and the Internet Movie Database, and I called Sharon Stone and asked her what she thought. Nothing seemed to work. I just wasn't really interested enough in actual celebrity people. That's when it occurred to me that I was thinking too "in the box." The answers were right in front of me the whole time. What kind of women do I find sexy? Ones that don't really exist!
By Gary
That's my opinion.
Look at those pictures!
I think every woman, including my imaginary girlfriend who exists
only for the purposes and duration of this feature would agree.
She photographs very well, she has that Panteen hair, that
deadpan stare that hypnotizes me, and she's in a show I hate.
It's called "7th Heaven," and I've watched said smoldering
pile of show countless times to see Jessica in action. And every
blessed time I've tuned in (the show is religious so I say "blessed"),
I simply hate her. I hate everyone on
the show, I hate myself for watching the show, and
this bubble of loathing extends to anyone who calls me while
I'm watching the stupid show.
I can't stand the way she moves, the
way she talks, her voice, her taste in men [on the show], her little
sisters, that stupid older brother, and her damn worrying parents
who repress their stupid children tightly enough to refine olive
oil out of them. I don't know why I watch it, including why I'm
watching it now while I'm trying to write a #*%(@ feature!
Hold on, let me turn off the tv so I don't curse and break things...
Still, the print version of Ms. Biel is alright by me.
As long as she can't move, talk, or hurt me like she does
on television, she can be my unachievable choice #1. Okay, if you read the
credits (and I do because I'm single and just that bored), in the movie A.I., Emmanuelle
Chriqui played the part of this hottie named Sheila.
She didn't
play the part of "Shiela," the robot that William Hurt
"defaces" (Oooh! Good one! I bet that... "hurt!"
OOhhh! ...sorry) to freak us out and get us into the idea that sometimes
women in this film aren't real. Well, "women who aren't real"
works for me as we've already stated. As for this vixen, I can only
assume her name should be pronounced "tricky," and boooy
howdy!
[Jeee-heeesus, Gary! What the fuck are you talking about?! - Editor]
I've seen her in Gia, Girl Interrupted,
and Gone in Sixty Seconds, and she just doesn't do it for
me. She seems kinda like those girls in high school that I'd think
were really cute until I found out they were loaded up on drugs,
and cigarettes, and ex-husbands, and babies... Of course, everyone
is loaded up on drugs and cigarettes and unplanned pregnancies these
days which may go a long way toward explaining my singularity (state
of being single). If only I wasn't so darned finicky. Talk about Weird Science!
You know, ever since computers, which were developed by mostly
men, to aid, mostly men, came into existence, there's been one
driving thought on the minds of every man who got a computer in
his hands. "How can I use this device to manufacture me some
women?"
It's not an unusual wish, intrinsically linked to
the similar: "How can I use this device to find/get
me some women?"
Ever since the Venus of Willendorf, men have
struggled to wrap their limited minds around whatever technology
was available for the purposes of constructing their own new and
better women. Believe it or not, it's just way easier sometimes
to build a supercomputer and make a creature that'll bow to your
every movement than it is to be a willing equal in a stable relationship.
Greek sculptures, fine paintings, and even The Real Doll line
of ultra-realistic love dolls are all just part of the long legacy
of men needing to create objects to express to the rest of the
world their biggest single burning notion, the one thought that
drives our actions and choices all day long, every day: "We're
horny." We're getting less
and less realistic with every choice, so why not, right? Since
we're already assuming all kinds of things here, like that I have
a girlfriend, and that I would want to cheat on her, and that
I'll ever meet anyone famous, it stands to reason (at least in
my mind) that I may as well take sexuality as far from possibility
as I can.
I'm breaking new ground here folks. Where my #4 was
a computer-generated non-being, at least she was designed to represent
a sexy human woman with a lot of brains and a tight jumpsuit.
Choice #5 here just proves I don't belong in this game. I'm picking
a character that's not only an artist's interpretation, but which
isn't even intended to represent a member of my own species!
Along with new ground, I'll probably be breaking a few laws
if this ever actually happens (at least in this state), but here
goes:
Of course, it would be called
"mating" in this instance, and it's a sure bet she'd
kill and eat me when it was over, but as I said, "What the
hell..." It would sure eliminate the need to explain things
to the mythical "understanding girlfriend" I totally
forgot I was involved with. Because really, let's be honest for
a moment. She might have fun making a list like this with you,
but if you ever come home, clothes ripped apart and covered with
lipstick, grinning from ear to ear and greeting her with "Honey,
you will NOT believe what just happened to me..."
- list or not, you're sleeping on the couch. If you're
lucky. That's just how it is with girlfriends. | ||||||||
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