Creating a list of five solitary celebrities that will comprise one's entire range of sexual mobility outside of one's main squeeze is a daunting task. As this is assumed to be a "one night stand" sort of deal, and not a lasting commitment, I would say that it would be fair to choose your list solely on physical attributes. Still, even making that broad cut, there are thousands and thousands of beautiful people out there to choose from. How to choose only five sexy celebrities out of literally a whole world of stars? That's just it! You've got to cover the whole world. You've got to go for the Epcot World Showcase of sex symbols! You've got to assemble a multi-racial, multi-cultural, international team of Sexathalete Super Spies! You've got to realize... It's a Small List of Five After All By Marcus Intelligence Agent- Tia Carrere That's right, Marcus. Just go straight for the Asian girl first. If your girlfriend was still speaking to you before all of this, she sure as hell isn't anymore. It's one of my worst kept secrets that I love the Asian girls. All 2 billion of them. Asian girls are just so cute by default that it takes a special effort by God to screw them up. But you can keep your Lucy Lius and your Ziyi Zhangs, when this guy-about-to-be-sleeping-in-the-garage is writing his List of Five, he's going straight for Tia Carrere. What can I say, she's had me since Wayne's World. She's tall, she's dark, she's beautiful, and she can sing like a weed whacker cutting through solid aluminum. On top of all that, she was the hottest immortal evil queen ever in that movie with Kevin Sorbo. I don't remember what it was called. Something like Kevin Sorbo: The One Where He's Not Hercules. And then there's Relic Hunter. Okay, I've never seen Relic Hunter, but I saw a billboard for it once, and I thought, "Wow! Tomb Raider with an Asian chick! Awesome!" Master of Disguise - Roselyn Sanchez Covering the "South of the Border" space on my list is Rush Hour 2's Roselyn Sanchez, or as you probably know her, "Latina Sandra Bullock." Yeah, don't tell me you don't see it. Look at the black and white inset in the image above. Roselyn Sanchez? Nope. Sandra Bullock. The eyes, the chin, the hair, they're all the same. Yet for some reason Sandra Bullock has never really done anything for me, while Roselyn Sanchez could get me to watch Held Up just to see her. Maybe it's the Smilex factor. You know, like in Batman, how if somebody used lipstick by itself, they would be safe, but if they used lipstick with hairspray it would kill them? I think when Roselyn Sanchez took the Whiteo gene and replaced it with the Latin gene, she struck the deadly combination that stole my heart. Or something. Whatever. Demolitions Expert - Halle Berry Representing the lovely ladies of African decent will be Halle Berry, best known for her portrayal of "Sharon Stone" in The Flintstones. I remember when the toys for that movie came out, some civil rights groups were all in a buzz because there was no action figure of Halle Berry's character (who believe it or not, really was named "Sharon Stone."). They said that it was racial discrimination, on the grounds that she was the only black person in the Flintstones universe, ever, and she was the only one who didn't get props in the form of articulated plastic. The toy manufacturer countered, "What is a kid supposed to do with a Halle Berry action figure? We've studied play patterns. The kid takes the good guy in one hand, the bad guy in the other hand, and just bangs them together for an hour." I don't see how this argument holds up. If I'm gonna bang up against somebody for an hour, you can bet the modern stone age farm that I'm gonna chose Halle Berry over John Goodman. Code Mistress - Brandon Merrill At this point I kinda got stuck. I mean, when you're trying to show a picture on the side of your Happy Meal box that illustrates that everyone on the planet Earth loves to suck down your greasy, rat infested hamburgers full of sawdust and arsenic, you draw a happy Asian kid, a happy Black kid, and a happy Hispanic kid. Then what? A kid in a wheelchair? Then it came to me! What about that Native American chick from Shanghai Noon? American Indians are a group that are almost never exploited in these kind of groupings. It's about time someone did. But what are the odds she actually is Native American, and wasn't just playing one? Remember the Iron Eyes Cody fiasco? Mama mia! So I did a little research, and much to my surprise found out that Brandon Merrill actually is of Native American decent, and grew up in Wyoming. It just goes to show, sometimes the sexiest exotic chicks are right in your own backyard. And that's one to grow on. Sex - Elizabeth Hurley What?! Come on, she's British! And England is technically a different country. And white people count as a race too, you know! Everybody should get equal representation in my sexual globetrotting adventure, and the Europeans are no exception. And plus... I mean... you've gotta remember... OKAY! I admit it! I just want to sleep with Elizabeth Hurley! That's what this whole thing was about! This whole "fun exercise" bullshit. I was just looking for a way that I could boink Liz Hurley and not get in trouble for it. I'm sorry that I dragged you all down with me. There. Are you happy now? I want her. I've wanted her ever since Bedazzled. How can you not?! She's super smart, she's got the accent, she's got the gleaming rows of perfectly straight, white teeth, she's got the shimmering eyes... and a booty that just won't quit! I love you, Elizabeth Hurley. I'd never cheat on you with Divine Brown. I'm 100% faithful... you know, except for when I have sex with you behind my girlfriend's back. < Back     All content © 1999-2007 misinformer.com.   Too little, too late: Sorry sweetheart! I love you! Aw nuts.