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Timb the Enchanter RetroCrush assignment Marcus' Creative Writing Class 5th Period When Marcus proposed the idea of this list to me, I think I misheard him. At least that's the story I'm sticking to for now. He said something about "making a list" and then something else about "who your girlfriend should sleep with" or whatever. I think we screwed this up, but before I figured it out, it was just too damn late. It's not my fault. I swear. I never watch that stupid Friends show, and thank God. What a bunch of utterly pointless retardation. I went to my significant other, the Dawnamatrix, and we began work on two lists. The List of Five Celebrities that we Would Like to See the Other Sleep With. Marc says it's okay as long as I come up with a clever and witty disclaimer of some sort, and Gary says it's okay, since my relationship with Dawn defies all societal norms, and most of the abnorms too. I can't wait to read Dawn's list, but here is mine for now. Actually, I'm lying, I already know Dawn's list. We spent countless naughty, naughty hours concocting these lists. I just can't wait to start checking hers off. In all due respect, here's my list.
By Timb the Enchanter
I know this character looks a lot like Leeloo, but at least I am consistent so far. Besides, this provides a well-needed segue that you won't be offered in my later choices. And again, I'm not talking about Franka Potente so much here as Lola, even though she is hot and has a cool name. But Lola, hot damn. Have you seen this movie? Let me tell you about Lola. Lola is fast, strong, and smart, and she can kick your ass. She could really really kick your ass in the most extreme sense of the phrase. She even has this losery boyfriend in the movie for whom she goes to incredible lengths to save from certain peril. And she speaks in German, sort of like what I did in my hit song "(Du Hast) Einhander." Not that German is particularly sexy, but I have to say that every language that isn't English is sexy in my opinion, and every English dialect that isn't American is sexy too. Okay, so I have a flair for the exotic and the semi-exotic. And the quasi-exotic, let's not forget about that. Dawn and Lola would probably hang out and be friends if they met, as long as Lola wasn't too busy running across town all the time to rescue her boyfriend every time he does something stupid. Dawn, I have a feeling you'd be in for a workout here too. Lola is pretty much the goddess of Kick Ass. Watch out.
This would have been my #1 pick if she was real, but unfortunately she's actually just a cluster of incredibly hot pixels. But that's okay. She's got the hottest pixels I've ever seen on a video screen that don't belong to Sydney Losstarot. She's all gothy, but in a cuter, more Japanese way, and she has green hair with tiny wings growing out of her head. How many girls can say they have that going for them? I wonder if they gave her shit about that at the DMV. She can do all sorts of magic too, when she's fighting, as long as its cute and sort of gothy looking. And unlike a lot of girls, she can instantaneously change her outfit just by thinking about it. Most girls take at least half an hour. She also has these pointy tentacle things that she can throw out in front of her. They sort of look like the top of a cemetery gate, but I'm sure in close contact, they're fleshy and supple. And decidedly naughty, I bet. Dawn's affair with Morrigan will be settled in two-out-of-three. I hope!
Which movie character, you ask? Well, if I had to pick one, I think it would be her character in Dark City, but don't quote me on that. She's so hot in every movie. She's especially 50s looking and sultry in Dark City, though. Well, all of them except for Labyrinth, but I mean, she was up against David Bowie. What was she supposed to do? She was even hot in Requiem for a Dream, even though she spends a huge portion of the movie strung-out... or selling her ass to get strung-out. I saw a movie where she played Liv Tyler's older, sluttier sister, and you get to see her topless for like 2 seconds. An interesting idea, but the film was pretty dumb overall, and I wouldn't recommend it unless you need therapy for insomnia. I can't remember the name of the movie. That's what the IMDB is for, so use it. Wasn't she in The Rocketeer? How old is she exactly? I'm confused. Okay, well she's 31. I bet, like me, she still gets carded for R-rated movies and Pabst Blue Ribbon. Yeah, like she would drink Pabst Blue Ribbon. Man, am I ever off-topic. Here is my digression. Dawn, if you ever get to fulfill request #4 on this list, make sure you ask Jennifer Connelly why she was so whiney in Labyrinth. And why her character didn't stay with the Goblin King at the end. I know she didn't write the screenplay, but you should act like she did when she brings it up. And do lots of horrible, unmentionable things to her.
I think that's how you spell it anyway. What Timb the Enchanter girl list would be complete without the inclusion of Aerosmith heir, Liv Tyler? (Heirosmith? Geez, just forget it.) I'm going to focus now on her upcoming performance in The Lord of the Rings for the simple reason that she'll have pointy ears. I don't see how you could possibly go wrong with that. And I hear that she speaks in a British accent for this movie. I know I talked about this quasi-exotic thing before, but oh my God. Liv with pointy ears, I know you are drooling at just the thought of it. I'm going to have to turn this keyboard over and drain it just thinking of the possibilities. I can't find a lot of LOTR pictures, but you damn well better believe that I looked long and hard for them. If you know what I'm saying. Wink wink nudge nudge. Aside from looking a lot like Dawn, well sorta, I've had a goofy celebrity crush on Liv since long before my much revered "Why It's Good to Date Liv Tyler" hoopla, which is probably the singlemost stupid and dually brilliant piece of internet writing I've ever done. Plus there was a naughty quasi-naked picture of her over the TV at The Hill where Marc and I used to live (Liv). We all used to sit in the living room and pretend we were watching TV and also try to pretend that our erections weren't grossly obvious and iron-cast by covering our crotches with pillows or two-liter bottles of SURGE. Ah, the good ol' days. Dawn and Liv? Okay, sounds good. This list has completely and thoroughly frustrated me. Thanks a lot, Marc.
It wasn't very difficult coming up with a list of the top 5 people I want to see Timb sleep with. In fact I think about it all the time. Watching a movie, I'll always say "Oh, I'd like to see you make out with him! " or "You should take him, it would be so sexxy!" We even talk about which of our friends he should make out with next...sorry Gary, it's not you.
By Dawnamatrix
My steady upbringing on Anne Rice books gave me a natural inclination towards gay vampires. He dresses like Alukard in Castlevania...how can you beat that? We used to call Gackt the Japanese version of Timb. His music is J-Pop, but he steals Stone Temple Pilots riffs once in a while. I'm sure Timb will punish him for that in a strict manner, indeed. In Japan it's perfectly normal to be naked around your same sex friends and spend hours in the communal baths. So the seemingly normal act of a couple of rockstars hanging around in the buff wouldn't be strange, except for the fact that their teenage girl fans actually love to imagine their heroes are gay. In fact, they dress up like their favorite male rockstars and do gay poses in the park in front of the Meiji shrine at Harajuku all weekend long, most pictures involving chains, handcuffs, and toy guns. There's a double standard because if a salaryman is even suspected of being gay in an office, he gets fired and blacklisted and his only hope for employment afterwards is to be a model for the thousands of gay comics targeted for teenage girls. It's a vicious cycle. Not since Gary revealed his fetish for Asian girls brushing their teeth has something so sexxy come out of Japan. Actually, I was in Japan most of July and there's a hell of a lot of sexxy things there. But the best part is, you'll be taller than most everyone and be considered 'exotic'. Which gives you a lot of freedom to stare unabashedly at all the sexxiness going on around you.
Okay, I know it's actually five people, but it counts as one person, because I'd like to see Timb with all of them at once. We're not talking Vocals, Guitar, Bass and Drums here. This is a full on J-Rock orgy. Dir En Grey is my favorite Japanese Visual Rock boy band. Yes that's right...THEY'RE ALL GUYS. In fact, there's hundreds of such bands in Japan now, it's a very 'follow the leader' society. When I hung out in front of the shrine with the J-Rock girl transvestites they asked me 'Who's your fan?' Which is Japanese for 'Who are you supposed to be?' I told them I was myself and they were confused. I should have said 'Marerun Manisen no bando membah' since Marilyn Manson is gaining popularity in Toyko now, but come on! How can you compare these beautiful men to that ugly thing? Timb only deserves the best of Visual Rock super lucky happy sex!
Okay, part Japanese, part French, part Australian? Sydney is the villain from Vagrant Story for the PSX. He's so damn sexy and he looks just like Timb. He's all seductive and evil. Evil wins, because evil is sexxy. If Sydney had a bed, he would sleep on black satin sheets. Since Timb's bed has black satin sheets, it's all taken care of. If you met a double of yourself, would you sleep with them? I sure would.
Okay, we've left the realm of the rising sun. We're staying with Evil and BiSexxy though. In Velvet Goldmine, Jonathan plays bi glam rocker Maxwell Demon, and you can watch him and Ewan MacGregor being good little glammy lovers like is good and proper of them. We like him in that movie, but not as much as we like him in the BBC series Gormenghast. He plays Steerpike, the devious and evil kitchen boy, who rises through the ranks to claim a top government position and kill off most of the royal house. Just that name alone, Steerpike. It gets my panties in a whirl, let me tell you. He's got the rockstar emaciated jawline going on too, he gets extra points.
This is the only standard American female answer on my list. I have such a fetish for gothic scientists with British accents though. Ooh and he has all those little tools and goggles and he has dreams about torture chambers! I'd like to see Timb and Johnny Depp playing doctor, wouldn't you? Open wide..... There's my list, I want them all delivered by the 1st night of Channukah. Thank you. -- Dawnamatrix
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