It looks like I'm totally the lone chica in a sausage fest. Again. Funboy Five By Trixie Tom Jones Ooooh baby. Tom Jones. Sure he's like, totally old and stuff, and he's got, like, a little belly pouch going these days, but still... ooooh baby. Tom Jones. Plus one time I heard that like, his johnson is so big that it put Elvira, Mistress of the Dark into the emergency room. Daaamn Sam. He can totally get me hotter with just his voice than all the Brad Pitts in the world can with their whole grody little bodies. Hey girls, didja ever crank up "Delilah" and then just sit on the bass box? Do yourself a favor and make that happen. Ooooh baby. Tom Jones. Is he real, or is he Memorex? It doesn't matter. He'll totally find your spot before your boyfriend can, and that's a fact. Johnny Depp Okay, Johnny Depp, but like, dark, misunderstood, leather clad Edward Scissorhands Johnny Depp. Not like, grody, burnt out Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas Johnny Depp. Or I'd totally take a fat slice of 21 Jump Street Johnny Depp. But I wouldn't even go near enough to punch geeky weird The Ninth Gate Johnny Depp. And like, don't even talk to me about fat, dumpy, gross hair, end of Blow Johnny Depp... although I'd strip down for hot, young, 70s retro beginning of Blow Johnny Depp, at any time, in any place, public or private, period. Yo. John Tesh I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I know, you're thinking, "Trixie, s'upwithdat, girlfriend? Are you joining the God Squad?" He's my guilty pleasure. I know listening to his music is like swimming with a toaster, but, I don't know, you know? I'm just totally hooked. It's like chocolate. I know it's just making me fatter, but I've got to eat it anyway, right? Plus he's just soooo pretty. Look at that square jaw, and that puffy blonde hair. Awww, he's like my little Swedish boytoy. I like to imagine him in studded, green vinyl lederhosen doing a striptease to "Give me Forever (I Do)." Now try to tell me that picture doesn't like, totally make you moist. Mmm mmmm! My big Bavarian chocolate bar! Will Smith I've always been attracted to those rap guys (the only reason they talk to me is because I look like a total prostitute). The problem is, you know, I like bad boy rappaz as much as the next girl, but I also don't want to like, get a cap popped into my ass by the LAPD when my gangsta grind starts totally shooting up the El Rey. That's why I like Will Smith. He's like a studly black rapper, but he's not actually dangerous, you know? He can like, show his pissed off, angry side in tracks like "You Saw My Blinker," but... come on, dude, you also wrote "I Think I Can Beat Mike Tyson." You're so cute! Lara Flynn Boyle Okay, if there's one thing that I've learned from performing, it's that you're totally going to Nowheresville if you don't keep the audience into you. Since the audience here is like, 99% horny teenage boys, here's a little something to keep you awake all night rolling over your kickstand. Ahem. Here goes. I would like to have sex with Lara Flynn Boyle. And not just, like, a quickie or anything. I'd like to have like, hours and hours of totally tantric lovemaking and stuff. I'd like to rub oils over her smooth, lithe body, while she like, gently moans in ecstasy. I want to, um, you know, feel her long, slender fingers totally running all over and around my body. I just want her to make me like, sweat until I pass out, basically. What are you doing with Jack Nicholson anyway? He may have been the shit like, thirty years ago, or something, but now he totally looks like Dabney Coleman. Eeeeewww. < Back     All content © 1999-2007 misinformer.com.   Female misinformants needed! Apply now!