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September 24th, 2001
Well, I was totally robbed this past weekend.
Robbed of my crown. Robbed of my moment. Robbed of about $40 dollars for
a really pricey piece of NY Sirloin at Trump Plaza. Yes, I was in Atlantic
City, NJ on Saturday, at Miss America 2002. Being from NJ, one
might expect me to root for NJ (and perhaps talk like people from
"Noo Yawk"). One would be correct (except for that part about
New York). Add to that how I actually went to high school with Miss NJ,
hung out with her and her family, and that she's still willing to admit
to our friendship and even speak to me (rare for most women I've
known), and you can already guess who was in the candidate-style picture
pin on my lapel. Sadly, and unexpectedly, she didn't make it into the
top 20. My entire section of seating (all Julie Barber fans), was quieted
as the 20th girl's name was called. Our collective crown stripped, our
heads bowed in fear, anger, agression, I vowed to right this wrong. I
asked my Chief Editor Marc if we could maybe do something
about this misrepresentation of justice, and he said "Yes."
I asked if he thought any of the other misinformants would mind us choosing
Julie over the actual winner, Miss Oregon, and he said "We'll just
not tell them." It is now my esteemed honor to proceed with our own
secret ceremony, as misinformer.com prepares itself to crown...
Mis America 2002
By Gary
| First,
we've got to get ready... |
Meet the acting governor, try
on outfits, continue the lifetime practice of ballet, makeup, rollers,
and lots of quizzing and practicing. Julie has done a lot in preparation
for this pageant. We're prepared now.
| Travelling
to the competition |
 There
it is. "Boardwalk Hall." It's the bunker-like hangar-styled
building on the far right in the photo. This is where the competition
would be held, and where the 3 nights of preliminaries were earlier
last week. I went to the first 2, but didn't bring my camera. I
used to bring my camera everywhere, but these days, I only bother
when I know there'll be 80's sitcom stars in attendance. As Tony
Danza wouldn't be at the preliminaries, I brought my GBA (Gameboy
Advance) instead, with Tony Hawk Pro Skater II. |
 Speaking
of GBA, God Bless America everybody. But remember, the word "TRUMP"
should always be in all caps, and larger than any other word in
the general vicinity. Once we got on interstate 322, we still had
about a 30 minute highway drive to get to Atlantic City, but I could
read that big red TRUMP PLAZA that you see in the background, clear
as day. If you note the left edge of the building, those horizontal
black stripes are floors of the TRUMP parking garage. That makes
the red-lettering on the wall there, oh, about 6 stories tall. |
 So
from where did this misinformant actually watch the night's festivities?
Why, from space of course! The getup you see before me is the set
of binoculars I would attempt to correctly use all night
to look at the nice young women, but only for the articles. Articles
of clothing. Yeah, that's right. I went to Miss America because
I'm really into clothing. I was pretty far back, as you can see.
To give you some sense of scale here, take a look at the top right
corner of that image. It sorta looks like a grandstand full of people,
but it isn't. It's Russia. Bottom left: Venus can be seen in it's
usual solar orbit. |
Probably Tony Danza, or else Robert Beltran
(inset) |
Rigging up my binoculars
and digital camera like a telescope, I was able to get myself much
closer in on the action. As an example, this is probably Miss America
host Tony Danza introducing the ladies. It could very well be that
I was looking in on a neighboring Star Trek™ convention and
seeing Voyager's Robert Beltran. I'm willing to admit that. I was
pretty high up after all. |
President
George Bush spies on young 20 somethings |
Naturally the place was
teeming with celebrities, some even more famous than me! From heads
of state, prime ministers, actors and actresses, Tony Danza (or
Robert Beltran), me, and even a few people who don't matter, this
place was packed with fun conversations, lots of whispering and
pointing, and of course, young 20 somethings posing in swimwear
for when talk of politics got boring. That usually happens within
minutes for me, so I was glad there was an actual interesting event
underlying all the pomp and celebrity. |
Vice
President Dick Cheney was on hand |
There was a lot of patriotism
going on at the event, as you might assume. I had the notion of
bringing an American flag to wave in support of the country and
also so Julie could find me and wave to me. Guys always want girls
to wave to them in public places. It makes them feel important in
front of an audience. There's that little bit of envy we try to
instill in each other - that little "I wish she was waving
to me, and not that loser." And therein lies the rub.
We do so many things to win the approval of others, and end up simply
making them despise us. At any rate, the flag idea was out. EVERYONE
had American flags. I felt like I was at a 1950 gubernatorial pep
rally in Macon County... |
Matthew
McConaughey and
Sharon Stone - SIT DOWN! |
You know, sometimes I
wish I wasn't in with all these celebrities so much. They're so
needy and clingy and often rude and spoiled. We watch tv and movies
and think how cool it would be to be one of them. Well, to be honest,
no thanks. LA is teeming with people who thought it would be cool
to be famous, went there, and got lucky. Losers are turned into
winners often on the principle of the slot machine. Driving or flying
out to LA is like pulling the handle. As an example, Matthew McConaughey
and Sharon Stone would not sit down all night. He kept hitting on
her, and she kept giggling like a little girl, and I kept sticking
my finger down my throat. It just sickened me, and my date,
Natalie Portman. We know you're famous already! Sit down, the spot
light is elsewhere for once. |
 Here's
Julie introducing herself to America. The view I saw here from my
mountain top was a grand spectacle (Julie pictured at far right
edge of image). The view you saw at home, if you watched, was what
you see on the screen at the back of the stage. In other words,
you got to see the contestants' facial expressions. Me? I got to
see the general overal color of the outfit of the contestants, which
in terms of the all-white introduction gowns, means very little. |
 Using
what's known as digital zooming, I was able to get a little closer.
I'm pretty sure that's Julie right there. I know because she wore
a white sash backwards over her shoulders. You can vaguely make
out the white sash in the Hubble photograph at right. |
 I
don't know what you got on your side of the cameras there at home,
but I saw nothing but shear nervousness on the faces, well, okay,
in the body language... Alright, from my observatory, I couldn't
see a damn thing. To get even the idea that there were women on
stage to come out in this picture, I had to ask for the cooperation
of Sharon Stone's rock solid body upon which to mount my digital
binocular rig. After she and I did a group chant, exhaled to relax
our muscles and purge our inner spirits of all demons, I depressed
the shutter button. This is what you get. If you want better, you
should have thrown a tape in the VCR. |
Gary
congratulates Julie on a job well done
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Congatulations
Julie Barber, official Mis America 2002
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