misinformer.com's hiatus archive

Friday, November 09, 2001

[ 9:24 AM | Marcus Alexander Hart ]
So, I saw that K-PAX movie the other day. It reminded me of when I was in the third grade, and tried to convince everybody that my real name was Beezil, and I was from the planet Beezitron, and I came in a spaceship shaped like my bathtub.

I remember my teacher had a special conference with my mom when I started handing in papers written in Beezitroneese.

Don't feel bad, Kevin Spacey. Nobody believed me either. Of course, it turned out that I was wrong.

Anyway, isn't KPAX that Jesus station on cable?

[ 10:10 AM | Timb the Enchanter ]
On a related note, how come the only stations that come in clear on my antenna are all Jesus stations?

And how come USA Network looks like antenna even when you look at it on cable?

Monday, November 12, 2001

[ 11:15 AM | Marcus Alexander Hart ]
The other day I was lured into the Disney Store by their flashy Monsters, Inc. toys. While I was in there, on their giant, commercial droning TV monolith in the back of the store, they showed an ad for the Snow White DVD that was set to, and I'm not making this up, "Who let the dogs out?"

Who let Snow White out?!
Wooof woof woof woof!
Who let Snow White out?!
Wooof woof woof woof!

My mind just went blank. I just stared and tried to work out the logic of it. Why "Who let the dogs out?" Why not "All Star" like every other ad campaign?

My only theory is that it was a kind of "One Hit Wonder Revenge Clause" in the Baja Men's licensing contract. Like they could say, "Okay Disney, mon. You can use our song to push 102 Dalmatians, and Snow Dogs, and anything else even vaguely based around canines, BUT you also have to use it in your Snow White promotions. So there, so ha. Take it or leave it, white devil."

[ 9:58 AM | Timb the Enchanter ]
Ohh, speaking of the Disney Store, you should take the "Disney Store Challenge" sometime. Try to get from one end of the Disney Store to the other, and back out, without being greeted by an employee. It's tougher than you think.

Tuesday, November 13, 2001

[ 11:33 PM | Gary Fixler ]
Oh, look, a blog! Why didn't someone tell me (besides Marc, 3 times).

You know, sometimes I think it must be so utterly impossible to write a good script anymore, that if I somehow found myself leaping into the body of Scott Bakula, who then somehow leapt into the body of a script writer with the soul intent of changing history by making a really great script, I would probably be trapped as Scott Bakula who is trapped as a script writer for the rest of my (or Scott Bakula's, or that poor script writer's) life. I like to think that I can write better than Jerry Zucker (screenwriter: all 3 "Naked Guns"), direct better than Jerry Bruckheinder (director: every explosion you've seen since 1980), make you laugh harder than Jerry Seinfeld and Jerry Stiller combined (Jewish men: who are funny), and "complete" more sappy teenage girls than Jerry Maguire (just some: dickhead).

However, my feelings on this matter all changed yesterday when I saw "The One." "The One" stars Jet Li, who, like his father "Bruce," and like his father's father, "General Robert E.," is a fighter-turned-moviestar. The only big difference between his father's films (eg: "Enter the Dragon"), and his father's father's films (eg: "Gettysburg"), is that Jet Li's films are traumatically horrible.

Well, I'm happy to report that "The One" was finally what a Jet Li film should be, and by that I mean "the theater was empty." I'm serious. I wanted to bring someone, mostly to use as a human shield to block out all the blinding horrible. I was also kinda hoping to use my humorous and practiced line at the ticket office: "I'd like your 'two for The One' deal, hahaha," but it seems I'm the only one left in my city, and perhaps my nation, who hasn't learned from such attacks on the senses as "Black Mask." If you've never seen it, I'll sum it up by saying it's like having Ian Malcolm warn you that installing Acme electrically operated locks at your mental asylum for the criminally insane is a BAD idea, and then you go and do it anyway during a lightning storm, and then all the locks fail except for the ones that could lead you to freedom. The result is an hour or two of feeling like you're being chased around, hugged, and peed on. Timb might like it.

So anyway, all I'm trying to say is "The One" is easily the best movie ever, as long as you only count movies Jet Li was allowed to be in, and the upcoming Martin Lawrence offensive. It uses a very loose interpretation of quantum dimensional realities that Scott Bakula would surely approve of, but Isaac Asimov probably wouldn't. If your science fiction prowess lies somewhere in between Bakula and Asimov, and let's face it, it does, then you might like it. Plus, you can sit there and imagine that somewhere in the "multiverse" of universes out there, one of them has really amazingly well-written movies, and Anthony Hopkins doesn't make a billion dollars for magically recording all the narration for "The Grinch" in ONE DAY (according to the slide show trivia before the movie)!!! See "The One," bring a buddy, and for extra kicks, use my ticket-office joke! It's a whole lot funnier than in 1988 when I told an unimpressed ticket girl "I'll have one Twins please!"

[ 9:25 AM | Timb the Enchanter ]
"Black Knight"? The movie about the black guy stuck in medieval times? And he's acting extremely black? Like he has a football jersey on, and he's saying "What up, dawg?" to all of the strangely-mannered lords and ladyships? That movie has the dumbest concept I've heard for a movie since "Gone Fishin'". It's so completely unneccessary. I will be there opening night with Dawn to ring in this new monstrocity. Thank you, Hollywood, for your unending ability to insult my intelligence and at the same time, take $15 of my hard-earned unemployment money away from me.

[ 9:48 AM | Marcus Alexander Hart ]
I saw a billboard for Black Knight the other day. 185 terrifying square feet of Martin Lawrence in front of a castle, wearing his "Make 7 Up Yours Green" football jersey and holding a sword, mouth clenched in a terse "Whasssssup?!" When I saw it, my brain, acting on its own free will, immediately stitched together the blurb:

"Move over A Knight's Tale! In this raucously funny modern day adaptation of A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court, comedy superstar Martin Lawrence 'goes medieval' on moviegoers everywhere this Thanksgiving! Thumbs up!"
- David Manning, Ridgefield Press

PS. Gone Fishin' kicked ass! It was the best movie since Out to Sea!

Thursday, November 15, 2001

[ 8:34 PM | SPUNKY tortured artiste ]
Who's the man? That's right, folks. It's me.

I got fan mail today. Little Akshay Sinha from RIT writes:

"U suck gay ass fag."

Akshay was the first to take the time to let me know his/her sincerest feelings. Who else would do that for me. I am loved.

SPUNKY

Thursday, November 22, 2001

[ 1:14 PM | Marcus Alexander Hart ]
Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

What's up with the advertising balloons in the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade lately? I mean, sure, the ol' Snoopy balloon was in a lot of ways a commercial for Peanuts, but at least Snoopy is a character, and not a freakin' corporate logo.

Ask Jeeves? An ask fucking Jeeves balloon? Do the kiddies line up in Times Square going "Oh mommy, mommy, look! It's Jeeves! I love Jeeves! I love ask.com! I want to go to McDonalds and get my Ask Jeeves Happy Meal!"

Speaking of which, I was happy to see that the Ronald McDonald balloon had a 20 foot gash in one deflated arm. I'd like to start an unfounded internet rumor by saying, "Let's hear it for militant PETA members with big knives!"

Saturday, December 01, 2001

[ 1:07 PM | Timb the Enchanter ]
Is Thanksgiving over now? What day is it? I think I have finally awoken from the turkey and wine coma.

The turkey is an incredible creature because it has a built-in defense mechanism. Its called "trychtaphyn" or some other odd spelling, and its this spe