January 28th, 2002 Unnecessary Band Reduction Act of 2002 By Timb the Enchanter In recent months, there has been an alarming increase in the number of bands performing a genre known as "raprock". In fact, the entire Clearchannel-owned radio syndicate, a monopoly with a death grip on 90% of the radio stations in America, has pretty much pushed anything outside of this genre completely out of their playlists. We at UBRA believe that this gives birth to a second internal musical monopoly, where "raprock" is the only option. This disturbing trend can also be observed on MTV and MTV2, at least in those rare moments that MTV is actually playing videos. What began around 1995 with genre trendsetters Korn, is well out of hand, and will soon be an epidemic of irreparable proportions. Indistinguishably terrible bands are mushrooming with no end in sight. "Raprock" will soon be the only genre of music commercially available through the mainstream. Sadly, some would even go so far as to say that this is already the case. Music sucks more than ever before. The goal of the Unnecessary Band Reduction Act (UBRA) of 2002 is to purge the airwaves and music video channels to allow space for bands that do not suck. This will be accomplished through the creation of a list containing the offending bands that will be scheduled for hybridization. UBRA's thorough process of hybridization will combine bands with similar members, styles, songs, band names, etc. By the year 2003, we hope to have only one hybridized band with only one song, which will be, of course, a medley of all the current songs. Our list currently contains these gross offenders cited by UBRA: Limp Bizkit Sevendust Kid Rock Papa Roach P.O.D. Incubus Default Drowning Pool Puddle of Mudd Linkin Park Nickelback System of a Down Creed Mudvayne Staind Soil Flaw These bands are scheduled for immediate consolidation and hybridization. It is simple to identify a band that will be cited by UBRA. You can participate in the identification process by the comfort of your television or radio. We look for many things, including: Overuse of dreadlocks and noserings, especially by white band members. Bands that contain a token black member. Creation of indistinguishably similar songs, both within a band's catalogue and within the genre. The listener is able to sing the chorus of up to three similar songs over the chorus of the current song. (eg. Bodies, Sickness, Too Bad) Videos featuring the plight of disenfranchised youth. Harmonies used for only one or two words during the chorus of a song. Use of rap as "filler" for sections of the song between the choruses. Overuse of angry, nonsensical lyrics. Two band members are noted as "lead singer", but one is specifically designated for the "rap" portions of the song. Stupid and intentional misspelling of simple words within the band's name to sound "wicked" or "tight". Singer's vocal pattern sounds remarkably like Eddie Vedder. This was regulated, albeit poorly, by the Vedder Voice Reduction Act (VVRA) of 1996, the same Bill originally responsible for ending the scourge of Pearl Jam. UBRA hopes to reinforce these policies, as bands such as Staind and Bush continue to release songs. Use of stupid clichés in song lyrics that insult the intelligence of the listener. (Eg. My way or the highway) Said band is completely useless and/or music as a whole would be benefited greatly by their elimination. Terrible, terrible covers of Pink Floyd songs where lyrics are shamelessly altered. You should be ashamed. Fred Durst is a band member. The earlier an unnecessary band is identified and cited, the earlier our corrective measures can be administered. UBRA proposes stiff penalties for bands and music media who refuse to cooperate with our hybridization schedule, including fines and criminal prosecution. Repeat offenders will be subject to having their piercings yanked out and dreadlocks shorn. Then they will be paraded in public view, forced to wear "emo" styled clothing, thereby destroying their ability to be respected and exist within the "raprock" culture. UBRA begins its work with the song "Blurry" by Puddle of Mudd, which obviously stole its medley from a 1997 Duncan Sheik song entitled "Barely Breathing". Since Duncan Sheik is basically useless, these two songs have been recombined into one song, so as to waste slightly less of the listener's time. The resulting song is entitled "Barely Blurry". Please click here to experience URBA's first service to the music community, "Barely Blurry". Please support UBRA as this Bill is pushed through Congress. Unrelated note: Although these artists are hardly "unnecessary," as they each fully kick ass, please enjoy Beck and The Butthole Surfers, performing "Poser." It's just an example of what UBRA intends... or something. All content © 1999-2007 misinformer.com.   Beck is my hero.