Skipper goes on a diet to lose weight while Gilligan tries to gain weight by eating everything in sight, including a phosphorescent dye the Professor has concocted.
Is this it? Is this the long lost Gilligan's Island episode that only I remember, where Gilligan gets really fat? It's possible that I remember it wrong. Maybe it was fat Skipper they were putting on a diet, and not fat Gilligan after all.
Does anybody know if this episode featured a slanted table that made food roll away from the Skipper, rather than Gilligan, like I always remembered?
Help me, Ted Turner! You're my only hope!
Monday, January 14, 2002
[ 6:33 PM | Marcus Alexander Hart ]
Did you ever ask a question, and get an answer that made your original question seem trite and insignificant?
Nathaniel Robinson writes: I read your haitus blog, and the only thing I know about Gilligans Island and food was when Gilligan found some radioactive vegitables and everybody became X-Men until they ate soap. No, I am not making this up. Maryann said her favorite food was carrots (?) and Gilligan said his favorite was spinach (double ?). Thusly, Maryann was able to see a boat with two chicks in bikinis on it, while Gilligan was able to lift a styrofoam log that looked like a tree. Then for some reason, they all ate soap, and they went back to normal. Nothing about a slanted table, though. Maybe you were holding your head sideways? Anyways, hope this helps.
Thanks for writing, Nathaniel, but actually it doesn't help. Now I'm more intrigued than ever. How important can it be to me now to find the episode with the slanty table that I've been obsessed with, when I now know that there's one where Mary Ann eats toxic veggies and suddenly has bikini babe voyeur-cam eyes? Dude, I'm just putting the VCR on TBS, hitting record, and waiting.
Monday, January 21, 2002
[ 2:38 PM | Timb the Enchanter ]
misinformer Reader Mail
Josh Debock writes...
I would like to ask you, and seriuosly here, how much fucking time do you have where you can compile a list, and use good, (and i do mean good here), code to set up of a page, for a list of girls who you will never talk to, let alone sleep with.
Perhaps instead of spending all of your time on this fucking waste of space, maybe you should go out and do some sit up, so maybe, just maybe, at one point in your life, you will sleep with a girl.
Cpt. Trips ilovebrownandblackgirls@hotmail.com
Timb the Enchanter writes:
I love getting reader mail from my misinformer contributions, I just really get a lot less hate mail than I would expect, so I'd like to take a bit of time to answer such a kind letter. Just wanted to clear a few things up for this fine gentleman, in reference to my contribution to misinformer's List of Five and just a few things in general.
Okay, first things first, I love the email address, pal. Very classy. I can definitely take some tips from you, sex machine.
The list I created was actually the list of girls that I wanted to see my beautiful, fetishy, superintelligent girlfriend sleep with, not actually a list of girls that I wished I could sleep with, though I really wouldn't complain. Liv Tyler was in there and all... But I'm helping you out with the whole "reading comprehension" thing, because I know you think reading is "hard" and whatnot. That's ok, I've got your back, homie. Our lists were "errantly" different from all the rest in that feature.
Thanks for the compliments on the code. Actually, I think that's mainly Caster and Marcus that are responsible for that, but I'm sure they appreciate it. Good job fellas!
Sorry to waste your time. Maybe "comedy" is not for you. It's not for everybody. But don't worry, it's not the end of the world. You would still make an excellent, codgety old man.
I will go and do some "sit up" as you say, but I'll have you know that my abdominal wall is cut like a SURGE six-pack, and Bruce Lee ain't got nothin' on me in that department. This was the result of some exremely bizarre compulsory behavior when I was 17 and had a girlfriend with an "abs fetish". In 1993, local legend has it that I was able to stop a runaway passenger bus using nothing but my abdominal wall as a sort of "roadblock".
Interestingly enough, and I'm sure some infrequent or newer readers might not know this, but my job includes acting as misinformer's resident pervert and freaky sex maniac. Please have a look at my Furry Fandom Adventures in My Easter as a Bunny Fetishist and My Easter as a Bunny Fetishist II for some "interesting" examples. I'm looking forward to a very erotic Easter this year.
I, much like you, enjoy women as I enjoy my coffee. Hot and Black. Highly caffeinated. With some non-dairy creamer, and a little stirrer in em. Mmm-hmm.
I have yet to find the cup of coffee with the big buttocks that I dream of, though I am on a quest.
I hope one day, at some point in my life, I will sleep with a girl. I just hope that maybe, just maybe... its you, Josh! xoxoxox
Love, Timb the Enchanter
Wednesday, January 23, 2002
[ 11:31 PM | Marcus Alexander Hart ]
So did anybody watch that That 80s Show tonight?
Holeeeeeeey crap. That was just about the worst show ever. It was beyond live-action The Tick bad. It was like, Bob Patterson bad.
You people at FOX need to get some respect for yourselves. I mean, look at the commercial: "From the creators of That 70s Show comes That 80s Show."
You may as well say, "From the makers of Jumped the Shark Two Seasons Ago comes Well, Fuck It, Terry. I'm Out Of Ideas."
For future reference, when writing a sitcom, you should try to put some jokes in it. You know, funny bits. A good sitcom contains more comedy per minute than an average person's life. I guarantee if I had spent the time between 8 and 8:30 PM (7 Central and Mountain) talking to the homeless vet who hangs out at Winchell's, I would have had more laughs. And less stink!
I'm pretty sure that this show is reusing the set from TV's Blossom. Just imagine a piano here, a bunch of recycling bins there, a Joey Lawrence on the couch wearing a flannel vest and saying "whoa!," and a Myiyam Byiilytchk confronting life as a liberated female teen in the 90s. If only this show was half as funny as Blossom was, it would be twice as funny as it is now. Maybe Fox can use that in their "critic's blurbs" commercial next week.
"And misinformer.com raves, 'It's one quarter as funny as Blossom!'"
And it's nice to see that the Average-White-Male-with-Brown-Hair main character and the Punk Show-Mascot-for-Publicity-Shots Girl are already having love/hate sexual tension and almost kissing in the first episode. It's refreshing to see a show that doesn't save that kind of crap for when the series starts to slow down. I'm surprised somebody didn't adopt a cute little kid with a catchphrase in the third act.
Better squeeze in your Max Headroom and New Coke comedy quick, folks. You've got three more episodes.
Saturday, January 26, 2002
[ 4:17 PM | Marcus Alexander Hart ]
I just saw Moulin Rouge last night, and I have one thing to say:
Why do they still let that freakjob Baz Luhrmann make movies?
That is not to say that I didn't like it, as such, except for the fact that the whole thing, and I'm serious when I say this, looked exactly like what my nightmares look like. Except when I have a weird dream, nobody gives me enough money to make a movie out of it.
Everything was too big, and too close, and too loud, and too red, and too sweaty. After about the first 15 minutes, I was balled up on the floor in a cold sweat, crying, begging for the alarm clock to make it all end.
But the similarities to my unleashed subconscious didn't end there. The combination of familiar things in a way that makes no sense was hilariously unnerving. Like when the patrons of the turn of the century French night club suddenly bust out into a Nirvana song. It was like that dream that I had where my girlfriend and I were driving up the PCH in a convertible, except that the convertible was made of wicker, and my girlfriend was made of Jonathan Winters.
I'll bet if I watched the director's commentary on the DVD, I'd hear a laughing Baz Luhrmann say, "So I was hanging out with my friends in college, right, and we had this awesome mix tape that we always listened to in our dorm, okay, and my friend Chuck, he was like, he was like, 'Hey Baz, I'll bet you five bucks that you can't write a musical that has all of these songs in it.' And I was like, 'Oh, you're on, Chuck. You're like, totally on.'"
And now, for your enjoyment, here's the Cliffs Notes to Moulin Rouge:
Obi-Wan: Wow, it sure is wild to be here in France and all. I think I'll write something. But what should I write about? Oh yeah, I'll write about love! (singing) Love, life's sweetest reward. Let it flow, it floats back to you. The Love Boat soon will be making another run! The Love Boat promises something for everyone!
Homunculus: Hey, we're a bunch of nightmarish actor clowns upstairs. Will you write something for us and meet with a hooker across the street so that we can get some money for our show?
Obi-Wan: Um... sure. Let's go down there now.... let's take the elevator. (singing) Love in an elevator, livin' it up when I'm going down. Love in an elevator, lovin' it up 'til I hit the ground...
Nicole Kidman: Hey, how ya doin'? I'm Nicole Kidman. Let's have sex. (singing) Sex is natural, sex is good, not everybody does it, but everybody should...
Obi-Wan: That's great and all, the sex and whatnot, but did you know that I would really really like to be in love with somebody? Honestly, I'm absolutely obsessive about it. I mean, you're very beautiful and all, but... (singing) Young and beautiful, but someday your looks'll be gone. When the others turn you off, who'll be turnin' you on? I will, I will, I wiiiIIiiiIiiiiill, I will be there to share forever. Love will keep us together.
Nicole Kidman: Say, that's keen, but you better not fall in love with me. Since I work in an all singing, all dancing brothel and all... (singing) I don't wanna fall in love, nooo nooo. Love it cuts like a knife, whoooa whoooaa, you make the knife feel good, baby. I'll fight you to the end.
Obi-Wan: Oh, now that's not true, sweetie. It's not a brothel so much as a... as a... (singing) Oh the Love Shack is a little old place where we can get togetheeeEEEeer. Love Shack baby, Love Shack bay-bee!
Nicole Kidman: Oh yeah, *cough cough*. Did I forget to mention I'm a dying of an incurable disease too? So, you know, with that plus the hooker thing, the cards are pretty much stacked against you.
Obi-Wan: But I think I do love you... (singing) I think I love you, but what am I so afraid of, I'm afraid that I'm not sure of, a love there is no cure for...
Nicole Kidman: I know that it's wrong, but I DO love you! It's not fair... however... (singing) They say that all in love is fair, yeah, but you don't care. But you know what to do, when it gets hold of you. And with a little help from above... you feel the power of love!
Obi-Wan: Wow! Finally, the greatest love of all is happening to me! Erm... sorry... (singing) The greeeeaaaaatest love of aaaaaaaaAAAAAAaaaaaall is happening to me! I found the greatest love of all inside of me...
Nicole Kidman: Wait! This whole "being in love" thing won't work out. I'm supposed to be playing patty cake with this rich Duke who's giving us a pantload of money. Sorry, Guy-who-I-really-love, I've got to pretend that I don't like you to save us all. (singing) Down-doobie-doo-down-down, breaking up is hard tooooo do.
Obi-Wan: Wait! We can work this out! I love you, we can fix this! (singing) I can't offer you proof, of why we should never be apart. And that is the (that is the) that is the tru-uuuth. Oh... Shake your love, I just can't shake your love! Shake your love, I just can't shake your love!
Nicole Kidman: Well duh! I mean, of course I still secretly love you, but I have to sacrifice myself for the greater good. So excuse me whilst I kick on the cold hearted bitch routine. (singing) Ah, please don't talk about all of the plans we had, for fixin' this broken romance. I want to go where the people dance. I want some actiiooon ... I want to live! Action ... I got so much to give. I want to give it. I want to get some too! Oh, I ... Ohhh I ... I love the nightlife, I got to boogie on the disco rooouuuuuund, oh yeeeeah...
Obi-Wan: Well that's the end of that then. I can't believe that she loved the Duke all along. (singing) Oh baby you, you got what I neEEEeeed, but you say he's just a friend, but you say he's just a friend...
Nicole Kidman: Ah screw it, *cough cough* I'm about to die anyway. Obi, let me tell you how I really feel... (singing) Eep-opp-ork-ah-ah, Eep-opp-ork-ah-ah, Eep-opp-ork-ah-ah, that means I love you!
Obi-Wan: Well, golly. I'm happy that you actually loved me and all, but a whole fishbarrel of good it does me now that you're all dead and stuff. (singing) I had a vision of love, and it was aaaaaAAAAAAaaaaaAAAAAAaaaaaaaaAAAAALL that you turned out to beeeeEEEEEEEEeeeeeeEEEEEEEeeeeeEEEEeee!
