And now a travel report from Red Feather Flying Car Company's Austin McKinley:
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Your latest update made me laugh and laugh. Isn't it depressing how much work goes into this website shit... all for nothing? Oh well, thanks for the laugh. The web may be dead, but comedy is alive and stalking you and he looks just like Jesus. Creepy.
Which reminds me, if you've never been to the Mormon tabernacle in Salt Lake City, you should go. When you go into the visitor's center, there are these giant 12' square photo realistic paintings of the old testament which look as though they're straight from the pages of National Geographic. It's all respectable, and they sell books. And then there's a pause in the angelic music coming from the intercom, and you hear a booming voice:
'I AM JESUS CHRIST. LISTEN TO MY TEACHINGS AND LEARN FROM ME....'
You wonder about it for a second, but then you shrug it off and continue to study the twelve precious stones on the painted high priest's breast plate representing... whatever the hell it is they represent. And then you hear it again.
'I AM JESUS CHRIST. LISTEN TO MY TEACHINGS AND LEARN FROM ME....'
What the fuck IS that? You turn around and realize that behind you is a spiral ramp from which this noise is coming. You ascend the ramp into a domed area painted with a cheesy representation of the cosmos like you might find in a child's bedroom or an under-funded planetarium. And there stands a larger than life plaster stature of Jesus, his arms outstretched, his head bent in contemplation. In front of him are arranged a few benches, where a couple of older tourists wait in anticipation of the show. So you join them.
After a minute or two, a girl scout/tour guide in a blazer, tie, and skirt approaches and stands between you and the statue. She speaks into a Radio Shack microphone which is plugged into the wall.
'I'm going to play you a short recording,' she says, 'and then I'm going to talk to you for a few minutes about what Jesus means to me.'
Oh boy, this is better than the hall of witnesses at Jehovah-land. She pushes a red button at the base of the statue.
'I AM JESUS CHRIST. LISTEN TO MY TEACHINGS AND LEARN FROM ME....BLAH BLAH BLAH.'
He goes on. Disappointed that he didn't actually come to life, and anxious to leave before the girl scout comes to tell you her life story, you slip out a side door... where you're intercepted by another girl scout.
'Do you have any questions about what you just heard?'
As the surrealism of the whole situation begins to sink in, you get sassy, and reply, 'Yeah, where is the section on the Book of Mormon? I mean you had the old testament downstairs, and now this Jesus machine... where's the good stuff?'
In response, she leads you downstairs, to another building, and DOWN AN ESCALATOR into a long hallway filled with paintings.... and these guys are BUFF. I mean, gone are the scrawny patriarchs of the old testament paintings. The prophet Moroni looks like he could take Lou Ferrigno 'round back of the temple and whup his ass!
As your patron girl scout tries to explain what's going on in the paintings, you remark on her funny, er, charming accent. She tells you she's from Sweden, and that one of the tenets of Mormonism is to do mission work, which apparently includes working at guest centers.
She draws your attention to Nehi, the prophet who came to South America in a bubble to preach to the Mayans in the year 1200 AD. You ask if this was before or after he invented orange soda, a joke her Swedish upbringing can't fully process.
As you make your way down this hall of Mormonism, you learn all sorts of strange and ponderous things about the Mormon faith. About how the Archangel Michael gave the book of Mormon to Joseph Smith in the 1800's in the form of a golden day planner, which had to be read with 'stone glasses' which ONLY HE COULD USE.
You learn about the special underwear Mormons are supposed to wear, and why you can only buy Pepsi in the state of Utah. How 'non-believers' can't go in the temple and how you can be baptized to save your ancestors and on and on and on.
Finally you come to the end of the hallway where they've set up a diorama to illustrate the importance of family. And idealized man, wife, boy, girl and dog sit watching television. Funny thing is, the people, the dog, even the couch and coffee table are all life size cardboard cut-outs. The only thing real is the television. You ask the girl scout where the other wives are, and she giggles uncomfortably.
But before she lets you out of her clutches, she insists on reading you scripture (mispronouncing most of it horrendously) and asking if you want to become Mormon. You realize this has become a HALLWAY OF CONVERSION! So you taunt her, telling her you need to 'Pander (sic) it in your heart' some more.
Up the escalator you go, girl scout behind you and out to the blazing sun and freedom. But before you leave the building? You guessed it... a gift shop.
