|
|
May 20th, 2002
From video games, to soft drinks, to Abercrombie & Fitch thong underwear, everyone knows that teens and pre-teen "tweens" are a vast mine of rich consumerism to which large heartless corporations attach their money sucking hoses. What you may not know, however, is exactly how the corporate machines know exactly where to affix said currency vacuums.
Enter the Zandl Group.
The Zandl Group is a "marketing consulting firm specializing in young customers," that polls over 3,000 youths annually, and then turns around and sells out their secrets to the Man to be used against them.
Any news outlet will tell you that kids are dressing like whores at a younger age, but only the Zandl Group will help your business by telling you exactly what slutty clothes they're buying, and at which stores. Anybody can soapbox about the dangers of underage drinking, but only the Zandl Group's extensive research can help push your business ahead of the pack in the next millennium by letting you know exactly which beers today's minors enjoy most, and how you can cash in on their favorites.
At this point you're probably asking yourself, "Do people actually get paid for this?" Indeed. But certainly not much, right? An annual subscription to "The HOT Sheet," their six bi-monthly trend reports, will only run you $15,000 a year. Yes, that's with three zeros, and a comma. But if that's a little rich for your blood, don't worry. You can buy individual copies for only $3,000 each.
As we're constantly seeking to expand our reader base, and put a stranglehold on tomorrow's consumers while they're still young and impressionable (what economists call the "George Lucas Model"), the misinformants have procured the Zandl Group's 2001 HOT Sheet Year End Report. Using the wisdom and knowledge contained therein, we now present to you the story that will put us on the minor map. The apex of underage empathy that will clinch our position to exploit the young adults of tomorrow...
The Ultimate Teen Story of 2001 By Marcus
In the past, the Café had been open for dinner, but as word of mouth about her quaint bistro had spread, Erika found that she made such an incredible amount of money from her lunch crowd, that staying open for a full eight hour day was an antiquated practice of the previous generation that was totally unnecessary for success today2.
At the jingling sound of the door chimes, Erika turned with a start.
"Waaaasssup!"3
Erika smiled. It was her soulmate and one true love. Her 19 year old husband, Justin Zandl4.
"G'day mate," Erika said, "Shall I put some crab or pork on the barbie for ya? It's Australian for dinna!" 5
"No thanks, sweetheart," Justin replied. "I'll just have an iced tea, or some milk. 6 Actually, give me a Pepsi. That Britney Spears is the bomb! 7."
Erika handed Justin a can of soda, and then set to work looking for a unique date for them to go on that evening. Flipping rapidly through the pages of the Weekly, Erika grew visibly frustrated.
"Lost, numbered, skydive, soup, sexually, Giuliani... ," Erika said, "This paper makes absolutely no sense!" 8
"Let's just go to the movies. 9 I heard there was a new Jimmy Fallon movie coming out today! That guy is the bomb!"
"Oh my God!," Erika said, "I was just thinking that! I mean, he's not like, right now, but he's sooo five minutes from now. He's going to be my favorite actor! 10 Really, I don't care what we see, as long as we don't have to see that Harry Potter movie."
"Right on, yo. I couldn't be any less interested in all of that Hogwarts this and Quiddich that nonsense," Justin agreed. "I don't know a single person who went to see that Sorcerer's Stone movie. I don't think it did very well at the box office. Lord of the Rings sucked ass too. As do the Star Wars prequels." 11
Erika locked up the Café, and the happily married teenage couple began walking towards their local cineplex, hand in hand, and singing joyous song to the Lord.
"I've got that joy joy joy joy down in my heart!"
"Where?"
"Down in my heart!"
"Where?" 12
Just then, Erika stopped the song short. The afternoon air was breezy, and the chill easily cut through her, as her entire midsection was exposed by her tiny pants, suspended around her waist half an inch below her vagina. The ring of cold steel lodged in her navel sent shivers across her skin. 13
"Brrr! It's too cold out here to walk all the way to the movie theatre. Let's just rent something. There is technically no movie that I don't find popular." 14
"Oh my poor sweetie bear," Justin said, putting is coat around Erika's icy shoulders, "You know that I love you, but I really think that you need to stop dressing like that has-been Britney Spears. She is sooo five minutes ago." 15
"You're so right. I'm such a fashion dinosaur. Let's go to Wal-Mart and pick up some of the hottest new fashion trends of our generation." 16
So the two lovebirds ventured to their local Wal-Mart, in an effort to distance themselves fashionwise from the teen divas that had so quickly become obsolete.
"Check out this awesome No Boundaries jacket!" Erika cooed. "If I dyed it black and ripped off the sleeves, and then reattached them with safety pins, and spray painted 'Misfits and the Cure rule' across the back of it, this could be the most bitchin' jacket ever!" 17
Justin probably would have agreed with Erika's conclusions about the jacket, if he had heard her. As it was, he had been distracted by a brawl that was being thrown down in menswear. Justin had torn off his shirt and was currently covered in the ruddy red blood of the uppity cashier whose face he was pummeling into the tile floor with merciless abandon.
"Who let the dogs out, mother fucker!?" Justin bellowed.18
"Justin," Erika sighed, "I kinda wish that we could all live together in harmony. I guess. You know, whatever." 19
"Honey, fight clubs are the bomb, you know that." Justin replied, wiping the lymph and bile off of his chest with his shirt, "Let's forget all about this and go and buy me some clean clothes."
"Why don't you just buy clothes here?"
"Here? Yeah, I'm so sure. Like I'd be seen dead wearing clothes from Wal-Mart. Let's go over to the Gap. The Gap is the bomb." 20
"It doesn't matter to me what you do, or where you shop, my love. As a teenager, clothes and social activities hold little importance to me. I just want you to be happy, I want us to be happy as a family. I know what's important. Justin, I'm pregnant." 21
"Oh my... you're kidding! Erika, this is the happiest day of my life! Who would have thought that at only 19 years old, I would already have a loving wife who owns her own business, and a child on the way! There's only one thing that could make my life any better. It would be a new magazine called 'What Would Jesus Bake.' It would fill the last empty void in my life! 22
With all the love of God and one another, Erika and Justin locked together in an embrace of undying passion. They would remain ever faithful to each other, living the rest of their days in blissful matrimony, built on a foundation of love as stable as chicken and seafood. 23
The End.
1. "Reflecting growing interest in job security, professional aspirations are becoming more pragmatic - fewer singers and basketball players, more chefs and hair stylists, often with the goal of eventually owning their own businesses" (Page VII)
2. "In response to parents' declining net worth and a tight job market, the desire to be rich and successful has increased." (Page VII)
3. "From tweens to young adults, everyone (still) loved the Budweiser (e.g. Wassup) campaign." (Page XII)
4. "Young people [...] want to meet their soulmate and raise a family of their own." (Page IX)
5. "Food/beverage trends to watch: increasing popularity of pork and crab [...] and the appeal of an Australian identity (e.g. Outback Steakhouse or Fosters)" (Page XVI)
6. "Juice drinks continued a three year decline, while water, iced tea, and milk held steady." (Page XVI)
7. "Other campaigns that scored: Pepsi (e.g. Britney Spears)" (Page XII)
8. "Watch for more print ads with a billboard mentality - ads that can be read in a second because that's about as much time as young people will give you before they turn the page." (Page XIII)
9. "When they ventured out for entertainment, the movies remained the #1 destination, followed by theme parks and concerts." (Page XIV)
10. "2002 should be a breakout year for Jimmy Fallon" (Page XII)
11. "Thrillers and Sci-fi/fantasy were down - there were not any new releases in these genres that generated much excitement." (Page XI)
12. "85% of Americans identify themselves as Christians, and many young people are affirming their Christian faith in different ways" (Page IX)
13. "Girls were in a more provocative mode - from playing strip poker to wearing super low-rise jeans that set off their belly rings and thong underwear." (Page X)
14. "The most popular movies were - again - a combination of recent releases and video favorites." (Page XI)
15. "The current cycle of video divas (e.g. Britney Spears) and boy bands (e.g. NSYNC) appears to have peaked" (page XI)
16. "Nearly everyone is economizing or downscaling [...] checking out sales or the private label lines at discount retailers that offer cool value - like No Boundaries at Wal-Mart or Mossimo at Target." (Page VII)
17. "Keep an eye on the nascent punk/Goth movement that is percolating on the sidelines" (Page X)
18. "Keep an eye on [...] fight club circles and the growing popularity of tough dogs like Pit Bulls and English Bulldogs." (Page X)
19. "After 9/11, we saw a [...] slight increase in the wish for world peace." (Page VI)
20. "When shopping for clothes, the shift from department stores to specialty apparel stores with a young vibe continued." (Page XV)
21. "After 9/11, we saw a renewed appreciation of family (e.g. "what's important")" (Page VI)
22. "Watch for enterprising publishers to address two voids in the youth [magazine] market: Christians and the growing number of young people interested in cooking." (Page XIII)
23. "Involvement with chicken and seafood was stable" (Page XVI)
All content © 1999-2007 misinformer.com. "In shampoo, Suave continued to gain ground on long time leader Clairol Herbal Essences, which appears to have peaked. (Page XV)"
|
