June 3rd, 2002 For Christ's sake people. Run a goddamn virus checker before you look at misinformer, would ya? Between all of the misinformants inboxes, our incoming mail server has got enough Klez worm emails to build our own hilariously misunderstood foreign exchange student from a 1980s John Hughes film. Our fingers hurt from hitting the "DEL" key. We're done with email. We hate computers. We quit. We're letting the Guy outside the Shell take care of all of our email from now on. June Mailbag: Klez Dispenser By the Guy outside the Shell Whoa, okay, hi. So, I was just hangin' around outside the Shell, and I was just drinkin' a Gulp. It didn't say "Gulp" on the cup, you know, because this is Shell, and they don't use the metric system like they do over at 7-11, you know? But I remember from school that, like, the Big Gulp is like, 2.5 Gulps, and this cup that I was drinking was not even half as big as a Big Gulp, that's all I'm sayin'. Anyway, this Vanilla Coke is some tasty stuff, you know? So those webbed page guys come to me again and they're all, "Dude, will you answer our mail, we have worms" or something, you know? I was like, "Whoa, I had worms once, and it hurt like nuts." So I told them not to worry and I'd take care of it, so here we go, carry on my wayward mailmen. To: contests From: ainaw Subject: Hi,so cool a flash,enjoy it Hi,This is a funny game This game is my first work. You're the first player. I hope you would enjoy it. Dear ainaw, I remember back when I used to hang out with this total punk rock chick, right. It was at this club called Heebie Jeebies, and she like had this band that rocked out there that was named after her hair. Well, there was this one time, right, where I was like listening to the band, okay, but I had already emptied the bong like, twice before I went, and I couldn't remember where my pants, were, okay, honestly. So I just wore this long coat so that the little man wouldn't go touching people. When that chick that I used to hang out with finished that song that she sings about how the Martians were eating all the cars, I was like, clapping and stuff, right, and my coat totally opened, and I like, flashed her the ol' family jewels out of the box, you know? Okay, I was all scared and stuff, right, because the last time that happened this chick, okay, and the time before that, but anyway, those chicks both got me arrested and the cops were all, "Hey dude, where's your pants" and I was like "Wouldn't you like to know, right! U.S. out of my uterus, you Nazis!" So anyway, I'll never forget what she said. Okay, it was like... well, I think it was in Spanish or something, because I forget exactly what she said, but it was something like "Flash is fast, flash is cool, Francois c'est pas flashe non due." Dude, I don't understand where the flashing is in this game? Not even in Spanish. Like, this is supposed to be some kind of game, but I just don't get it, man. I thought that some dude was going to like, open a trench coat at me and show me his tinkle-bits. Even if it did, I don't get how that's a game, right, but it's still funny. Thanks for hooking me up and letting me be the first player. --   To: misreviews From: Chris Case Subject: Why Crouching Tiger is better than Gamera... Well, I can't believe you don't know why it wasn't one of the best films ever! Where else can you have a movie with a promising plot totally turn to hourse shit and one of the only hott girls in it jumps off a fucking cliff?! Well? Actually... I liked the kung-fu shit in it and all... but basically... the ending mad NO sense... and I think they just tacked it on because no body in thier right mind would actually want to sit for another HOUR while they ended the film right. It was like watching Starwars, and goin from them being stuck in the trash compactor thingy to luck shooting his psuedo-photon topedoes that star trek coppied into the death star... then cutting to the medal scene...... I mean.. it's like a slap in the face..... "What the hell was the director thinking?! Was he stoned? Or di he just have a fetish with hott shicks comminting suicide? So... all in all I agree with ya man!! Cudo's to you! Great review! --C.S.C. Dear Chris, You know what movie I liked, but it totally turned to hourse shit? It was that Dude, Where's My Car movie. At the beginning of it, I was fully into it, you know? It was so, like I don't know, like realistic and stuff. Okay, there's these two guys, right, and they totally lose their car. Then all the sudden there's all of these, like, leather chicks or something, right and it's like, sure they're hott, but like, what do they do to, you know, advance the plot? I was just like, "Man, whatever! All I want to know is where is their car, you know! Right?" Then at the end of it, they actually find their car! Talk about luck shooting! I've never found a single car I've lost, man. It just like, totally ruined the whole movie experience for me. --   To: misreviews From: 1stfan Subject: Cellpadding Hello,This is a powful tool I expect you would like it. Dear 1stfan, Man, have you seen those talking fish that they have now? Dude, okay, they sell them here. They're like, science gone all wrong and stuff, you know? Okay, 'cause it looks like a fish, like a real fish, with like, gills and like, an exoskeleton and like, all of that stuff, but then if you push this button on the thing, it's like, WHOA! For real, it like, all comes to life and stuff, and it's all "I want to go to the water, take me to the water, whoaoaoaoa, dude!" Hahaha! Man, the first time I saw that thing, I swear I was like, holy moses, dude, you know, like I couldn't believe it. They've had a whole stack of them in the Shell since like, last November. They don't work anymore, on account of I've been goin' in there and pushing all the buttons on them every day, right? The one sounds all Lou Ferrigno now, it's all, "Taaaaaaakeeeeeee meeeeeeeee tooooooo theeeeee waaaaaaaaater." It's scary as crap, dude. --   To: Marcus From: DJMassDriver Subject: dude... you're the funniest person i've ever pseudo-met in my entire life.... keep on keepin on *and murder LOTR in a review for me... i hate watching movies just to have someone tell me ''well..... you need to read the book''...... hey.... if i wanted to do research, i'd pay $.50 for a library card, i wouldn't pay $7.50 to see a movie.... let alone the fact that they had the world's most useless wizard* ps. timb the enchanter isn't funny... kick him in the nuts for me KUDOS! Dear DJMassDriver, Okay, like this one time, I was sitting out on the curb in front of the Shell, and I was totally jonesing for some, like, M&Ms or something, right? So I go inside, and I was like "Dude, can I have some, like, M&Ms or something?" and the guy was like, "No man, you can't have any, 'cause you don't have any money." I was all, "Since when does the Man like, totally control the M&M supply, and like, decide like who lives and who dies, or really, like who gets the M&Ms and who doesn't, based only on, like, how much money they have, and not, like on how much they really want M&Ms? Since when, man?" and the guy was like "Since, like, always, dude." So I was pretty bummed, but it wasn't the dude's fault, right? Okay, so just then this other guy like comes out behind the turbo dog roller. He was like all short and stuff, and he was dressed all lucky charms, and he had this big melty face. I mean, everybody is cool in their own way, but this guy was holy ugly, you know? Harsh. He was like, "I was counting me shillings and feeling quite dandy, when I heard you were being denied some sweet candy." I was all, "Yeah dude, all I want is some M&Ms, but it could be worse, you know? Like, at least I still have my stash, you know?" Then he was all, "If you do as I say both with style and panache, I'll be happy to share with you part of me stash." I was all, "Right on, pirate talking guy. You got some M&Ms?" Then he was all, "I see your lust for munchies has left you in quite a state, so I will give you sweet granola wrapped in choco-late." Then the counter dude was like, "Hey you freaks, get the hell out of the store before I like, call the cops and stuff, I mean it!" I was like "Dude, just chill, okay? Don't harsh my conversation, okay?" Then the other guy was all, "I will make of you just one request, through all my crappy prose, if you want to be eating sweets, kick him in the nuts for me KUDOS!" So I was all, "Um... okay." So I kicked him in the nuts. They like, totally went everywhere. That whole like, wire rack thing totally like blew apart and there were little baggies of peanuts and cashews and stuff all over the floor and in the coffee machine and everything. The counter dude was like, "FUUUCK! I'm totally calling the cops on you assholes this time." So I like, totally booked it out of there. But before I took off, midget gave me this weird awesome candy bar with a picture of George Washington on the label. That thing kicked ass. If you're out there, thanks munchkin dude, you rule. --   All content © 1999-2007 misinformer.com.   Help yourself. Help others. Get rid of the damn thing already.