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June 19th, 2002
When one is indoctrinated into misinformer.com, they receive their own Space Truckers DVD, misinformation handbook, and commemorative wedgie.
While the movie and underwear displacement remain sacred, we've decided to give a little back to the internet that has given so much to us, by declassifying bits of our secret guidebook to the world over the coming months.
If you're about to head off for a fun filled vacation in Sin City, perhaps you'd first like to review these excerpts from the previously confidential...
The Las Vegas Strip By Marcus
Oh my God, he's not going to do "Is it hot enough for you?" jokes, is he?
Sadly, there's a reason some things become comedy clichés. Reasons such as the fact that the Nevada summer is hot enough to flash fry your luggage as soon as it comes off the airplane.
When visiting Las Vegas, don't just dress for heat. Dress as if every time you leave your hotel, an evil genius will be focusing a high-powered orbital death ray directly onto your face. The day that we arrived, in addition to the heat, there was also an intense desert wind, making the Strip feel not unlike some giant being was preparing to unsolder the casinos from the pavement.
Yet despite all of this, you still see guys walking down the street at high noon, with fire raining down from the skies upon their cracked and dehydrated skin, still nursing a Bud Light, or one of those "foot long margaritas." It's as if they're daring God to end their losing Roulette streak once and for all.
Since when does Tom Jones need somebody to warm up the crowd for him? I mean, he's not "Godsmack" or some other cookie cutter crap. He's TOM JONES for chrissakes!
You know that the women already have their underpants ready to fire in his general direction the first time he shakes the room with his thundering man voice. Don't embarrass him by tacking the worst comedian on earth onto the front of his show.
When we saw Tom Jones, the comedian (who's name I didn't make an effort to remember, considering he'll probably never work again after that night's embarrassment) was a gigantic fat fuck. The kind of guy who is so greasily obese that he was obviously winded in his first few jokes, just from walking four steps to the stage and moving the microphone stand. This was just acres and acres of man meat.
Now I'm not bringing this up because I'm taking cheap shots at the criminally overweight. Everybody has their story, and it's not fair to judge on looks. I'm bringing it up because 90% of his material was about how fat he is. The whole show was like a desperate cry for help.
The remainder of his routine consisted of generic Las Vegas humor, and reports of what was coming out of his ass. Seriously. Let's join the show, already in progress:
Is anybody staying at Monte Carlo? Boy, is that place a dump or what?!
It's hot here in Las Vegas. Really hot. It's so hot that I drank a glass of water and cappuccino came out of my ass. When you're my size, you sweat a lot in heat like this, I mean, a lot of fluid coming out... you know the fountain at Bellagio? That was all me.
Is anybody staying at the Flamingo? Man, are you retarded!
Has anybody here eaten at any of those all you can eat buffets here on the Strip? Right? Hoooo, yeah. I know you're all lookin' at me and saying, "How could I, you gigantic porcine mother fucker, YOU ate all the food in Clark County!" Heh, yeah, I kid, but seriously, after all of that food, I shit out a whole new race of shrimp cattle.
Is anybody here staying at the Tropicana? YOU FUCKING SUCK!
If your dietary needs are of the non-meatular variety, you'll soon find that Las Vegans don't cater to regular vegans. Hahahahaha! Wooo! Woooooooo! Yeah!
That takes care of that then. We've officially fulfilled our obligation to cover the world's funniest vegetarian Las Vegas joke, as seen on every single page resulting from a Google search of "vegetarian las vegas."
If you're a vegetarian planning on spending a few days on the Las Vegas strip, there are pretty much two options at your disposal.
That is not to say that there are no vegetarian options available, just none that a rational person would put into their mouths voluntarily.
Many Strip restaurants offer something like a "Veggie Wrap." While it sounds good in theory, the Veggie Wrap invariably consists of a pound and a half of shredded lettuce, smothered in mayonnaise, and wrapped in a flour tortilla. Mmmm boy, that's good eatin' on a 103 degree afternoon.
And then there's the bizarre practice of putting meat into things that have never had meat in them before.
"Okay, so that's one green salad in a lard bowl, a Coke, and a..."
"Wait, did you say "lard bowl?"
"Yes! It's our own special recipe. It's like the tired old 'bread bowl,' but made of lard! Squeezed fresh every morning!"
"Could I just get that in a regular bowl?"
"We don't have any regular bowls, would a turkey fat bowl be alright?"
"Ahh... how about I just skip right to desert then? What the hell. I'll have the Brownie Sundae."
"Good choice. Our Brownie Sundae is a layer of rich, fudge brownie, covered in a layer of melted caramel, covered with a layer of bacon, topped with ice cream and smothered in chocolate syrup."
"... one Veggie Wrap please."
"Excellent! I'll crack open a new drum of mayonnaise right now!"
Of course everything else is just gravy. The only reason Las Vegas isn't an abandoned ghost town slightly to the north of Absofuckinglutelynowhere, NV is because of the gambling. Not even Disney could come up with such an elegant way to separate tourists from their money. At least when you go home from Epcot with an empty wallet, you have a Minnie Mouse beret and a lifetime of memories of Body Wars to show for it. When you leave Vegas as a penniless panhandler, you've got nothing but that empty ache that results from suddenly realizing what an enormously unlucky dumbass you are.
For those of you who are on the verge of becoming a devout Buddhist and need a quick way to unload all of your worldly belongings, here's a quick rundown of the more popular cash disposals in Vegas.
Slot Machines - You put in money. You pull the handle. You lose. You put in money. You pull the handle. You lose. You put in money. You pull the handle. You win two credits. You feel good. You put in money and lose sixteen more times before giving up and going to a topless revue.
Blackjack - Blackjack will make you feel stupider than any other table game. Not because of all the money you lose, or bonehead choices you might make, but because it exposes for all the world that you can't do simple addition of small numbers with any degree of speed.
Never has it been more challenging to add 4 plus 2 plus 4 plus 4 plus 1 or 11 than when your sweaty hands are wrapped around the last twenty-five dollar chip remaining from the original set of twenty.
"Hit me… no! Wait, shit! That's eight, plus another six is fifteen, then add, no, SHIT! That's fourteen! Plus… crap! That's 24! I lose! I mean, that's 15! I stand! No, hit me! SHIT!"
Roulette - Why is it that some casinos have LED boards that show what the previous twenty spins were? Is this to fool people into thinking that they can successfully outsmart entropy?
"Well shit, it's been black for the past ten spins! It's GOT to be red next! The odds of it being black AGAIN are IMPOSSIBLE! I mean, think logically, it's not like it's just going to land completely randomly in one of 38 spaces! There's a SYSTEM!"
Craps - Besides the fact that it offers fat comedians a chance to make a bad pun combining gambling and what's coming out of their ass, Craps is also the game that seems to attract the most people who need a new pair of shoes.
There are about 272 thousand ways to place a wager in Craps. I'd explain in more detail, but after about five minutes of our hotel's free lesson ("Learn a game! Lose your shirt!"), I was completely lost.
From what I can tell, you're supposed to make sure that the dealer sees which bet is yours by throwing the chips directly at his forehead. Once your bets are down in one of seven or eight hundred different vaguely marked regions of the table, then the dice are thrown, and then all of your money is collected, and then the whole thing starts again.
Maybe I'm not giving Craps a fair shake, but honestly I didn't hear a word the guy said after he introduced the concept of the "come bet."
Huh huh...huh huh huh...
All content © 1999-2007 misinformer.com. I put a dollar in, I get a car. I put a dollar in, I get a car. I put a dollar in, I get a car. I put a dollar in, I get a car.
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