As misinformer's resident expert on world culture, last weekend I journeyed to the Long Beach Convention Center to partake in Anime Expo 2002.
For those of you who don't know, Anime (pronounced AN-eeem) is the ancient Japanese mating ritual where all of the people of consenting age dress in elaborate traditional costumes, so as to entice others to gawk open-mouthedly at their chests and backsides.
As a noted scholar of obscure Japanese customs, I chose to dress as my favorite "Anime character," who is of course, Jason Voorhees of the Friday the 13th films.
To broaden your horizons, and to give you some small insight into this mysterious and time-honored Asian custom, I'd like to share some of my memories of the convention with you, and your uncultured American ass.
Anime Expo 2002:
A lesson in World Culture
By Marcus
I went to the convention with Dawnamatrix, of Dawnamatrix Designs fame. Or as most people seem to know her, "Ohmigod! Aren't you the chick who was selling those Vash the Stampede coats on eBay?!"
I still don't understand her costume though. She told me that she was dressed as a member of the j-rock band "Dorian Gray." Um... yeah, I don't know that this "j-rock" thing you speak of is, but you look nothing like Hurd Hatfield, Shane Briant or Peter Firth.
This costume, on the other hand, was top notch. I didn't even have to ask. From the second I saw her, I knew that she was dressed as Rosie, the robot maid from The Jetsons.
Rosie was gangsta before gangsta was cool. Rosie was the originator of the now much bandied about term "bling bling." In fact, she used it so frequently that it's amazing nobody remembers.
"More coffee, Mista J? *bling bling*!"
"Elroy, don't forget to do your homework. *bling bling*!"
"Judy, don't make me pop a cap in yo skank ass, bitch. *bling bling!*"
These are Mogwi.
Don't get them wet.
Keep them out of bright light.
And never feed them after midnight.
Although, isn't it technically always after midnight? I guess it doesn't sound so ancient-proverbial if you say something like "Don't feed them between midnight and five AM eastern standard time."
Nothing is as important to the Japanese as athleticism and good clean American fun. That's why these two world scholars came to the event dressed as the Riverdale High School football team.
From left to right: Jason Voorhees, Archie, Jughead (front: Mr. Weatherbee).
The ears, the pink dress, the vacant stare, it can only be Pammy Panda of the Shirt Tales!
Straight from the greeting cards, to our 80s television, to our hearts, those lovable animals and their human moron Mr. Dinkle taught us how to love one another, and how to love ourselves. It's truly wonderful that the Asian community has kept this cartoon alive for us all to remember.
Note the noble gentleman in the background, honoring this young lady by staring at her hind quarters in an approving fashion. If that birdcage wasn't in the way, Pammy's shirt would almost certainly be saying "Thank you, kind sir!"
Hey Wayne, did you ever find Dynomutt attractive when he put on a dress and played girl doggie?
This had to be my favorite moment of the whole convention. What are the odds of running into two of your favorite Anime characters in one spot?
On the left is Danger Mouse, the world's greatest secret agent. He lives in a mailbox in London, with his sidekick Penfold (not pictured), and is locked in a constant struggle to save the planet from the nefarious Baron Silas Greenback (also not pictured).
In the middle is, of course, Xena Warrior Princess. She's strong, she's sexy, and she can bisect you with one of those gay "aerobie" frisbees. If Xena and Danger Mouse got in a fight, she'd probably win, because she's a bad ass, and after all, he is a mouse.
All your base are belong to us.
And what organized meeting of Anime fans would be complete without the world's favorite cartoon redhead, Jessica Rabbit?
Yes, I know she's not technically a rabbit, Rabbit is her married name, from being married to cartoon superstar Roger Rabbit, who actually is a rabbit. To help clear up the confusion, this innovative young lady has put an "R" on her chest. For "rabbit."
And her attention to detail has not gone unnoticed, as this good sir seems to be looking directly through her back to ogle her famous cartoon cleavage.
Nothing shows that you are not only multi-cultural, but also a complete geek, quite like dressing up like Dr. Who.
This good gentleman has transcended all national, and societal lines with his recreation of the Time Lord with the Tardis. He is truly a great lover of Anime. I gave him a wedgie.
Duhhh duh duh duh duh,
duuuuuh duh duh-duh,
They told him don't you ever come around here,
Don't wanna see your face, you better disappear.
The fire's in their eyes and their words are really clear,
So beat it, just beat it...
Isn't it always the way? This was supposed to be a celebration of Japanese Anime, but there's always some dicks who have to show up and totally try to buck the theme and do their own thing.
