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August 19th, 2002
If there's one word that describes the state of my material possessions, it's "Zen."
Okay, I admit. I don't really, technically know what "Zen" means, but I'm fairly certain that some part of it has to do with the shunning of material possessions. That's what I do. I shun.
In fact, my cubicle at work is so sparse with personal items that my boss has assigned my desk to temps while I'm at lunch. You get the idea.
But I wasn't always this way...
By Marcus
Not having any memories that predate about 1993, I didn't think anything of the request. What could I have left up there? A few yearbooks? A couple of Smurfs? Back to the Future on Beta?
Do you remember that weird art experiment that Andy Worhol did, where he just packed boxes and boxes full of random things for people to unpack later and be puzzled by? Apparently I did the same thing. Only I did it to myself.
The junk that I left in my mom's attic looked like the warehouse where they stashed the Ark of the Covenant. It was just acres and acres of dusty relics from the 1980s.
Apparently, I didn't have a normal childhood.
As I sifted through box after box after box of injection molded plastic playthings, not ONCE did I find a G.I. Joe, or a Transformer, or a Star Wars figure. Not one!
But the California Raisins? Chuck E. Cheese? Frickin' Blackstar? Oh yeah, I've got that. I've got that in spades.
Now you can relive my childhood, and if the mood strikes you, you can even buy it. I've filled the eBay auctions below not only with my pre-pubescent worldly belongings, but also with my memories and platitudinal musings. So if you're not in the market for Zork books, at least reading my memoirs about them will help keep you entertained for a few minutes while you're waiting for Drew and the boys to post some new links on FARK.
(These auctions have all ended, but their comedy lives on.)
8 Battle Beasts: Making a simple game unnecessarily difficult!
Electric Company Magazine Dec 83/Jan 84: The one with the Ewoks! The ONLY Star Wars item in the whole attic.
3 Go-Bots Rock Lords: Who were the ad wizards behind this one?!
59 Buttons and Pins: Enough to choke a camel!
3 Zork books: Choose your own adventure nightmare fuel
8 Choose your own Adventure books: Like the internet, before the internet was cool.
Chuck E. Cheese Figurines: The Distinguished Years
Muppet Babies and Fraggle Rock Happy Meal toys: Featuring the mysterious Mystery Dog!
Fraggle Rock Plush - Red: The hottest of the chick Fraggles.
Fraggle Rock Plush - Boober: Huh, huh... I said boob.
Fraggle Rock Plush - Doozer: You dooze, you lose.
Fraggle Rock Plush - Gobo: It's not just something for stage lights anymore.
Fraggle Rock Doozer Wind-up: You dooze, you... ah crap.
Full Set of Looney Tunes Comic Ball Cards: Almost an interest in sports, but not quite!
9 Simpsons Illustrated magazines: Plus more books and magazines about yellow people.
Large Simpsons lot: Collectables for the discriminating underachiever.
14 Comic Books: Ones you've never read, unless you got beat up a lot.
49 Cracked Magazines: I was first published in an issue of Cracked. Seriously.
Minolta Auto Electroflash 280PX: I don't have a lot of photography anecdotes, please excuse this one.
22 Disney Figures: From Happy Meals, and BEYOND!
Full Sheet of 1993 Elvis Postage Stamps: With today's postal increases, the sheet should be just enough to mail a letter. Oh! I kill me!
28 Issues of Entertainment Weekly: 1993-1994s hottest entertainment news.
Large Lot of Real Ghostbusters Toys: The Real Ghostbusters. Not that Filmation crap.
The Real Ghostbusters Firehouse Headquarters: The coolest toy I owned. Never been slimed.
4 Blackstar Figures: What the holy hell is Blackstar?
Dance Dance Revolution Dance Pad Cover: A remedy for a schlumpy mat. Okay, so it's not technically from my childhood.
D.J.'s Full House Family Scrapbook: John Stamos is so dreamy!
31 "Games" Magazines: Lots of fun puzzles to do on airplanes or in prison.
Big Fat Hairy Garfield Lot: Stuffed animals, PVC figures, hatred of Mondays.
15 1973 Looney Tunes glasses: Get liquored up like a kid again.
1974 Looney Tunes tray: Corn chips and guacamole not included.
All my stupid Go-Bots: REVISED! Whoa! These robots combine to form Puzzler! Like Voltron! The users of eBay have shown me the error of my ways.
14 issues of He-Man Magazine: See the literary side of Greyskull.
Karate Kid Action Figures: With kung foo action! Duh!
M.U.S.C.L.E. poster: You remember the muscle guys! One inch of pure throat-clogging menace. Here's their poster.
Totally Radical Ninja Turtles Lot: Turtles, weapons, and a touching coming-of-age tale.
Size 10 "No Bull" Vegan Hiking Boots: Damn these feet!
5 Pac-Man figures: Pac-Man's heroic life story, told in PVC.
7 Pez dispensers: Can you find the valuable one?
Police Academy Cartoon toys: No kidding. There was a Police Academy cartoon.
6 California Raisin figures: Would a grape be a "baby raisin?" If so, would this Michael Jackson one touch it?
15 Roger Rabbit Comics: Only 3 short of the whole run. Just to prove that I never finish anything.
Rubik's Rings Puzzle: With a Pac-Man Rubik's Cube! Can you get more '80s than that?
Size 10.5 Saddle Shoes: Retro-hip, swingin' stylin', but made of dead animal.
9 Hot Wheels Speed Demons: Not transformable, but anthropomorphic, and freakin' cool.
The Warner Lot: Figurines of all of your old and new-old Warner brothers cartoon favorites.
2 Stomper 4x4 trucks: With action bridge of straight-driving action!
The Random Lot!: Glow in the dark monsters, Inspector Gadget, an Astrosnik... it's everything that was left over!
Before flying back to Los Angeles, my girlfriend and I packed all of these items in boxes, and left them with my mom to await shipping. So to answer your question, "Sorry, we can't combine shipping, because the items are already packed, we're 3,000 miles away from them, and my dear sweet mother is going to have enough of a hassle just keeping all of this straight and getting it to the post office as it is."
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