It's the one year anniversary of the tragic terror attacks on the United States. I know, you totally forgot, right? It's not like it had any effect on your life in any way, I'm sure. That's why it's fortunate that the American press has been slamming "tasteful tributes" down our throats for the past week. We didn't want to reflect quietly in our own ways. We really needed to rehash every single painful moment from every conceivable angle. I mean, just look at some of the stories that were in today's paper...
Unnecessary 9/11 News
Assembled by Timb and Marcus
Al Queda to destroy Christmas
Santa's workshop. Inset: Ass clown.
Washington, DC -- Officials stated on Tuesday that Al Queda operatives have threatened to use hijacked Supersonic jets to launch a surgical, long-range terrorist attack. This new jet technology allows travel from New York to Tokyo in under three hours by traveling above the earth's atmosphere, making any target on Earth susceptible to Al Queda's wrath.
Intelligence reports that the first threatened target will be Santa's Workshop in the North Pole.
In a recently released Al Queda terror video, a voice that sounds sorta-kinda like terrorist Osama Bin Laden claims that the terrorist action could be executed much too quickly to be prevented. A translator gave this account: "We will use every method at our disposal to break the spirit of Americans all over the globe, including striking down your favorite holidays. Your precious Christmas will be forever destroyed with the death of Santa Claus and his famous workshop. Soon thereafter, say goodbye to Thanksgiving and Arbor Day."
Officials were stunned that the Al Queda might know the approximate location of Santa's Workshop, which has been a well-kept secret for over 500 years.
The CIA has made no official statement, but were said to be questioning long-time enemy of the holiday season, The Grinch. Jim Carrey has been has not been arrested, but the CIA has stated that he is "a person of great interest" in their investigation.
In an official statement issued by his press agent, Carrey states, "Smokin! Somebody STOP me!"
A prepared statement by the Kringle estate reads in part, "This is all because I never gave you that fire truck when you were five, isn't it, Osama? Well you know what? You're now on the 'naughty' list. In ink. Kiss my red, rosy dimpled ass."
Vampires upset over wasted 9/11 blood donations
Enraged Area Vampire, Chad the Virgindrainer
New York, NY -- After the terrorist attacks of 2001, millions of generous Americans came forth to donate blood to the American Red Cross and other relief organizations.
Unfortunately, blood donations have a relatively limited shelf life, and within months, 200,000 unused units of blood had expired, and were destroyed.
While a tragic waste for all Americans in need after the attacks, the Vampire community has been especially up in arms over the loss.
Tulsa-area succubus Gladys Nightfire spoke of the depression that is all too common throughout the U.S.
"It's a terrible tragedy that this expiring blood was not offered to us increasingly hungry vampires. You'd sell a guy 'day old bread,' but would you throw a thirsty sanguinarian some 'two month old AB+'? No. Vampires always get the shaft on these things."
Frederic the Dark Embracer, a local bloodsucker in Birmingham, AL spoke in a similar vein.
"It's really a shame. All of that 'B positive' and delicious 'universal donor' just destroyed. Blah! Blaah!"
Eugene, OR vampire Gregor the Impaler spoke of the ramifications of increasingly hungered and frustrated vampires.
"We're just going to have to suck the blood out of necks instead of bags. It's a shame, but that's the way I guess it has to be. Thanks American Red Cross. Thanks for nothing."
