October 3rd, 2002 According to an article on ABCnews.com, one of Iraq's two vice presidents has suggested to the White House that, as an alternative to the United States military turning his desert home into a glass parking lot, Dubya and Saddam should settle this whole war matter like gentlemen: with a duel. He offers that they should "use one weapon, with a president against a president, a vice president against a vice president, and a minister against a minister in a duel." And as far as people can tell, he wasn't kidding. We've turned this unique manner of conflict resolution over to misinformer.com's most noted political pundits for the answer to this week's sociological "what if"... Who would win in a fight? By Timb and Marcus Marcus Alexander Hart: Mr. Enchanter, thank you for joining us here this evening for this heady discussion. Timb the Enchanter: No trouble at all, my good sir. So in your learned opinion, who would win in a fight? Saddam "Desert Mustache" Hussein or George "Weapons of Mass Destructionabalizing" W. Bush? That shit is really funny. Saddam got to where he is by being the most bad ass assassin in Iraq, and by basically killing all the other scumbags over there. So even though Bush is a crazy redneck, and he's from Texas, I think Saddam still has the edge in a duel. But what a great idea if Bush could offer his worthless life for the sake of saving all of those troops, who I'm so sure want to go over there and find out if Saddam has a bunch of anthrax-flavored nerve gas duct taped to the end of a SKUD missile. I bet given that option, Bush would think twice about putting his life on the line. Exactly. In the article, the White House press secretary said that the "offer was irresponsible and did not warrant a 'serious response'." What that translates to, basically, is Dubya saying, "What-ever! I mean, sure I want to send a bunch of other people to get slaughtered in a most horrible way in an effort to righteously topple this bad, bad, icky man who has all the oil, but me?! Sheyah! Fuck that noise. Daddy would be soooo pissed if I got myself shivved by the family arch-enemy." And while I'm on the subject... when did David Cross become the White House Press Secretary? Dubya is a sick fascist, admittedly, but at least we live in the country that he likes. He's an asshole, but we'd be scared shitless of him if we lived in some other country. Okay, he's not nearly the scumbag that Hussein is. To my knowledge, Bush hasn't gassed his own people, and I doubt very seriously that he ever would. That's not what Laura says on burrito night HAHA! Hahaha! Wooo...wooo... er... I demand I be stricken from the record. What a great idea though, to have Bush and Hussein involved in such a great, classic method of settling a dispute. Pow, it's over, and there's a good chance that BOTH of them would get a bullet at the same time. I think that's the best-case scenario, except for the fact that that inept ball of cholesterol Dick Cheney would take his job. I know. This isn't just a Win-Win scenario. This is THE Win-Win scenario. The one that all others are measured against. It's not like it's a winner take all deal, where the last man standing gets both countries. If Bush wins, we don't go to war, and he gets all of this "kill Saddam" energy out of his system. If Hussein wins, then we don't go to war, and Bush also isn't president anymore. Plus the VPs are supposed to duel too, and Cheney couldn't win a duel against his own Grandmother even if he had a robotic exoskeleton. So if Bush loses, the whole cabinet would have to be replaced. We could get a nice one, from Sears, with free quality installation. Not just one of those deals where they replace the doors and hardware and call it a day. Yeah, I like the whole no-war, dead politician, dead dictator thing. I think if they could have the duel here in the States, and they could have it in a wild west location, I'd give the edge to Bush as a Texan. What a great pay-per-view that would be! On the subject of duels, here's one that kids have been talking about since I was in the 5th grade which now seems to finally be turning into a reality. Jason vs. Freddy. Who would win in a fight? I'm still not going to put any faith in this movie actually being filmed, completed, and released. They've promised me this one since 1988. Still, thinking about it too much kinda makes my testicles tremble. It's hard to say who would be the crowd favorite. I think Freddy has more charisma, but those Friday people are pretty hard core. I agree. I'm a Friday person. I saw all the Jason movies, but I never saw a Nightmare until I was in college. You're welcome! But with that said, Jason doesn't have a chance. Mr. Voorhees may be an unstoppable killing machine, but he's still just a guy. Freddy is a bizarro creature of your mind and psyche. It's no contest. Jason can't win. It's like pitting Magneto against Hannibal Lecter. Sure Lecter's a bad ass, but he's still just a dude. In any given scenario I can come up with, Freddy is going to mop the fucking floor with Jason. You know, after they give Jason a few token stabs with a hoe or a pair of hedge-trimmers. My guess would be that the writer would team them up at the end. Tacky, huh? Or maybe it'll end like the Clue movie. "It could have happened like that, but it really happened like this..." Oh yeah, that would be such a terrible way to end a slasher movie! Nothing removes the terror like multiple choice. Just the sort of camp that this movie might be interested in conveying. Now Jason vs. Michael Myers. That would be more evenly matched. They're both in the "unstoppable bogeyman" category. I think they should do Jason vs. MIKE Myers instead. That's one I'd like to see. Just 90 minutes of Austin Powers getting his shit slashed to ribbons. I haven't gotten my Freddy fix since fucking 1994, so I'm starving for anything they throw at me. I really think they should pit Ash from Evil Dead against one of 'em... or both for that matter. Now that would be a spectacle, and it would sound like a shitty M2 rap video: Bruce Campbell vs. Freddy feat. Jason and Method Man P Diddy. There's a Batman vs. Superman movie coming out too. I don't know that much about comic heroes, but I'm pretty sure these guys are on the same side. Anyway, they both were on the same team on "Superfriends." So what gives? Who would win in a fight? Batman or Superman? Are you kidding? Batman is just some rich guy with a lot of toys. I'd pick Superman in Round 1. I read an online synopsis of the Batman vs. Superman comic book, and basically Batman nearly kicks Superman's ass, but it's ONLY because the Russians have nuked us (it was a cold war riddled 80s comic), and the nuclear winter is blocking the sun, making Superman into a superwuss. Superman gets his power from the sun? I thought that was his enemy in that shitty Superman movie about the sun villain and the nukes. I dunno. I guess Superman works on photosynthesis. That would explain why the Hulk is green. Actually, it wouldn't, but I don't know that much about comics, and I'm trying my best here. Also I heard that Batman has kryptonite missiles. Which, you know, of course he would. Just like I keep a few jars of cat dander around to sprinkle on the furniture when my allergic friends come over. Somebody errantly told me it was Batman vs. Spiderman. I guess it sounds sort of the same. I think that would be a more even match, like the previously discussed Jason vs. Michael Myers. Who would win in a fight? Batman or Spiderman? Although Spiderman does technically have some "super" powers, and Batman just has toys, they're still pretty evenly matched, all things considered. Although I understand in the comics, Spiderman doesn't shoot webs from his arms, but from mechanical web shooters that he made himself. Perhaps they are more alike than we had previously thought. This warrants further investigation. Oh wait, no it doesn't. On a nearly related note, I've never seen a spider that spins webs from its arms. They should have taken proper anatomy more into consideration when they were doing the special effects for the movie. I wonder if Mary Jane would have still found him so attractive if he was swinging around New York on a sticky blue cable coming out of his ass, like some nightmarish Cirque du Soleil fetish act... Next on the agenda, another big VS. movie in the works: Alien vs. Predator. Who would win in a fight? I think the idea of the Alien vs. Predator comic was that the predators were breeding the aliens for hunting purposes. There was already a comic book from whence the movie is based? I did not know that. I don't think it was a very popular series 'cause the writing was really bad. I don't really have an opinion on this one. The only part that I remember about Predator is that the creature sees in heat vision, so Schwarzenegger covers himself with mud so he's invisible and refreshingly exfoliated. Also the Predator was a Rastafarian with dreadlocks. Yeah, when I was a kid, I totally equated the Predator with dreadlocked pop singer, Terrence Trent D'Arby (Wishing Well). Predator vs. Alien should be an easy one to call if you can figure out this quandary: Who would win in a fight, Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sigourney Weaver? Hmm, tough one. I think it depends on the movie. If we're talking about Arnie in Predator and Sigourney in any of the first 3 Alien movies, I would say Arnie. But if you want to talk about the 4th Alien movie, I would pick Sigourney because she was part alien and fully bad ass. How about Sigourney in Ghostbusters II vs. Arnold in Jingle All the Way? Ugh! I guess the best scenario is... that they would both die. All content © 1999-2007 misinformer.com.   Discuss.