On a recent trip to my local grocery store, I noticed that each check-out line was almost completely covered in pink cards, each with an image of a pink ribbon and a name scrawled on it in black Sharpie.
When I was checking out, the cashier explained that the pink ribbons symbolized that October is Breast Awareness Month, and she asked me if I wanted to donate a dollar to the cause of Breast Awareness.
Of course I did. I dare say that I'm more aware of breasts than the average citizen. All of us here at misinformer.com are. In an effort to do our part for this noble cause, this week the misinformants explore the breasts that we have been most acutely aware of in our lifetimes, because...
I know the standard female celebrities that I obsess over are standardly Liv Tyler or... well, Liv Tyler. But I have to digress since this is Breast Awareness month and I am trying to be more conscious of the cleavage and less so of talent, intelligence, and natural beauty. I'd like to take a moment to honor plasticene pop star Britney Spears for her contributions to the Wide World of Breasts.
Aside from being the former girlfriend of my editor-in-chief Marcus Alexander Hart, she is also a talentless, brainless floozy, capitalizing in a tired and predictable genre, singing material that she didn't even write. Don't get me wrong, I like decent pop music and all, but I'd rather stab my eardrums out with Q-tips than suffer through one of her heavily chorus-fortified monstrosities.
And that movie she put out? I missed that altogether, well, at least that whole week it was in the theatre. Why would I see it at all, other than for two colossal boobs on a wide, wide screen?
Then again, all things considered... Wow! What a rack!
Britney is her breasts, and if you could get over how annoying and brainless she is, she might even be great in the sack.
This might be a hurdle too tall for some of us to get over, but for others, I'm sure she would be quite the fuckable little tart. In fact, she is a postergirl for the minimalist woman. Stripped of overrated attributes like intellect, skill, and artistic integrity, she is a female with something more mammarian in mind. She is a woman reduced to nothing but pure and profound boobage.
But Jesus H. Christ, what a pair. Of this, I am aware.
Marcus
The hardest working dress in show business.
Out of all of the months of the year, there can be only one reason why the good people at the American Breast Institute chose October to be Breast Awareness Month.
Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.
There is nobody who is more aware of breasts than somebody who is looking at Elvira, and there is no time of year that people are more aware of Elvira than October.
In fact, many are so overwhelmingly aware of the size, shape, and buoyancy of the breast awareness material that Elvira carries, that they are surprisingly unaware of the fact that she is over half a century old, not to mention the fact that she has a face.
It's the very definition of synergy, and one would think that Elvira would be appointed official Spokeswoman for Breast Awareness, or indeed, breasts altogether.
But alas, the conservative breast lobby carries a lot of weight in Washington, and they have long contested that Elvira has single handedly set back the breast movement decades with her message that "Breasts are terrifying."
It is this kind of closed mindedness, however, that have kept breasts out of the public eye for too many generations, and exactly the kind of injustice that Breast Awareness Month has been created to defeat.
Gary
It's very rare that I'm able to answer questions when they're asked of me. Sometimes it's on the counsel of my lawyer, but more often it's because I have a very open-ended understanding of the needs of others. I like to mull over questions, ponder them, toss them about in my mind, perhaps even go research things, all in an effort to get the asking party to give up and quit bothering me. Some people, however, like our chief editor, have learned this trick, and are well-prepared to combat me. So, occasionally I do have to respond to questions, but first, I like to run my answers through various spell checkers, and my lawyer, before I hand over printed copies to a PR firm to be sure I haven't created anything injurious or self-damning by my respon-
(Editor's note: WILL YOU ANSWER THE FRICKIN' QUESTION ALREADY!?)
Very well. You have waited at least a week for me, and I concede that it is possibly well past time for me to answer your "Breast Awareness Month" question, which you emailed to me more than a week in advance of your proposed feature. It is such that now the task falls into my hands, and so it is with a great sense of respect for you my dear old friend and chief editor Marcus, that-
(Editor's note: AAARGGH!!!!!!)
According to the only image I could find, these things are quite complex to install properly.
Right. So I believe the question was "Which breasts am I most aware of?" The answer, spell checked 4 times, might surprise you. Faithful readers will recall that I tend toward fantasy women, and by that I don't mean Playboy models, I mean animatronic, or cartoon-rendered women. It isn't too much of a stretch from there for me to say that my favorite breasts ever, the ones I still think about as I'm falling asleep, are a pair an old girlfriend of mine purchased at a store. Now, my girlfriend was attractive, and had wonderful breasts by any sane person's standards, but I teeter along the lines that mark the edge of sanity, and somehow her fantastic body went a bit underappreciated by me. In fact, I think her nickname for me when speaking to others was "My gay boyfriend."
As for the silicone inserts, I'm not sure what you call them - I've long referred to them as simply "WOOOO HOOO!" - the quality and craftsmanship was of a level that the very first time my girlfriend threw one to me, straight out of the box, I caught it, shrieked like a 9 year old girl, and flung it across the room into the wall. Thinking back, I can only laugh at how something so amazingly pleasing to touch gave me such a terrible fright. I really thought she threw me someone's actual breast, cold and jigglingly lifeless from having been separated from the body for so long. Once I regained my composure and found my man voice again, I played with one (I think the left one) for so long, she banned me for the rest of the evening from both of them, replacing them in her top dresser drawer, inside their box/display case. Until that point, I had been speaking lovingly to it and stroking it with one hand, much like Golum with his ring.
I think that might've been the beginning of the end. As new pleasure pathways formed in my brain, bringing with them more and more thoughts of my girlfriend's medical grade silicone enhancers, I began to become more distant. My work suffered, I looked for all sorts of reasons to get into her bedroom, and into her dresser drawer. Our "quality time" became awkward and short. I started sculpting teardrop breast forms in my mashed potatoes, finally sculpting a 7' breast out of dirt, in my living room.
Breast awareness helped me realize my design for the most comfortable lounge chair in history.
Eventually, she could take no more and took herself and her two giant Jello shots and left me. I really miss her, and I feel badly that it had to end under such circumstances. How could I escape their dark pull, though!? The very design of them was intended to impress me with sexual realism! I asked her repeatedly to take my thoughts and actions as simply an indication of how much I appreciate her decision making skills, especially in regards to what body-enhancers are the most provocative. Now that I've been away from their dark force for awhile, I can see things a bit more from her side of it.
No I can't. Those things freaking RULED! I want to save up enough to reupholster an entire rocker/recliner in those things. I think I could do it with about $20,000. I will, too, because I'm just that aware of the wonder of breasts, and breast technology for that matter.
Caster
Three's company.
Breasts surround us every day. It seems like nearly half the population has at least one breast, and often even more, some as many as double that amount.
Yet sadly, we remain unaware of the beauty that is breasts until someone comes along and shakes up our predetermined ideas about what makes a crop-top full of mammary worthwhile.
I'd like to pay tribute now to one such visionary: The Three Breasted Hooker from Total Recall. Honestly, it's very difficult to watch this lovely creature perform and not come away from the experience with a heightened awareness of breasts.
Not only is there the obvious fact that she's, you know, sporting Larry, Moe, and Shemp, but she is also willing to let them run free, popping open her shirt and allowing, nay, forcing anyone and everyone nearby to be aware of the wonder that is the breast.
And in addition to how pleasing her unorthodox chestular configuration is to gaze upon in DVD freeze frame clarity, it also opens the room up for discussion, which is, after all, the single most important factor in raising awareness.
Questions inevitably arise, such as, "When a girl with three breasts lays on her back, which direction does the center one fall?" and, "How many straps would a three breasted brassiere require to provide adequate coverage and support?" and the all important, "If you had a girl with three breasts, would you stick your face between the right and center or the left and center and go 'BBBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLLBLLBBBLL!'?"
Yet despite the rich and firm vessels of breast awareness that The Three Breasted Hooker from Total Recall provides, the image to the right that I submitted with my article was nearly censored by our own Editor in Chief, himself a well noted lover of breasts.
He said that misinformer.com was a "Goddamn family site," and that images of exposed nipples, especially in triplicate, couldn't be run. I think that this kind of bigotry is exactly what Breast Awareness Month is striving to abolish.
Who doesn't appreciate the sight of a gently curving teardrop of womanhood pertly displaying itself for all to see? Or two? Or three? Is the nude human female, many of which include breasts, not the ultimate ideal form of the artistic world? Who among us would rather see a black bar of censorship obscuring what is arguably God's greatest creation?
Alas, these arguments have no place in today's barbaric society. To get the picture printed, I had to resort to "They're just skin colored latex rubber, for chrissakes."
And now, a word from a misinformer.com supporter:
Don't feel like you're stacking
up next to these girls? Have you ever considered breast
augmentation? An increasingly popular option
for woman concerned with their appearance, learn about cosmetic surgery
before signing up for that tummy
tuck or nose job.
Timb
I know the standard female celebrities that I obsess over are standardly Liv Tyler or... well, Liv Tyler. But I have to digress since this is Breast Awareness month and I am trying to be more conscious of the cleavage and less so of talent, intelligence, and natural beauty. I'd like to take a moment to honor plasticene pop star Britney Spears for her contributions to the Wide World of Breasts.
Yet despite the rich and firm vessels of breast awareness that The Three Breasted Hooker from Total Recall provides, the image to the right that I submitted with my article was nearly censored by our own Editor in Chief, himself a well noted lover of breasts.
