November 11th, 2002 It sure has been a long time since I've shown up in here with my own feature. Two weeks ago was sort of a segue into writing again, with the breast awareness month feature. I'd like to tell you that I've been absent because I've been out doing some daring and dashing deeds, but really, it's because I've been unemployed. The job market is horrible right now. The hardest part is getting your foot in the door. The second hardest part is the recovery time after your foot has been slammed in that door. And the third hardest part is the resume. It was my resume that recently landed me a cozy new job, and it has come to my attention that I'm quite the resume writing expert. I have decided to share with our faithful readers, who may also be seeking employment, 7 of my oft sought after resume writing tips. May they serve you well... Resume and Cover Letter Writing Tips By Gary 1) Lie. The most important thing on your resume is lying. If you can't lie to your potential employer, then they can't trust that you'll lie under oath when the time comes. 2) Apparently, fonts are very important to employers, and you should really take a graphic design course before even considering a position with any company. You'll thank yourself for being so prepared when your interviewer probes you for the historical significance of the Verdana family. If you, like many, are unsure which font best suits your resume, it's good practice to print out a version in each of the fonts on your computer, and then have the pages bound at a local office supply store. To really impress, include a table of contents so the hiring party may quickly select their favorite typeface, and proceed from there. 3) Not a requirement, but it's a good idea to sprinkle your cover letter with Latin phrases. Here are some good starters, sure to brighten the face of any employer and scholar: "Vir bonus, dicendi peritus" "A good man, skilled in speaking" "Meos tam suspicione quam crimine iudico carere oportere" "I feel that members of my family should never be suspected of breaking the law" "Paete, non dolet" "It does not hurt, Paetus" I include that last one as it really helped break the ice for me at an interview in which a shelf broke from the wall behind me, pummeling me in the head with office supplies. The interviewer, Paetus, was a mess with worry, but my quick oration and ecclesiastical dialect removed all fear and sadness from her heart. Alas, I did not get the job. 4) A lot of people don't realize that it's okay to use parts of other resumes that you like better than yours, as long as you provide references in proper MLA format. This is a great help to those with no experience or talent to speak of, and an absolute savior to people with stupid names. Employers stop right at the top if you're name is something like "Dick Cox," or "Hugh G. Rection," because no decent, hard-working person has ever had a joke name. It means their parents were fools, or didn't love them (indicating an under-taught, underdeveloped child). A horrible birth-name means you'll likely waste valuable company time complaining about harassment while blowing all your medical benefits on therapists. 5) If you've been working on a screenplay, go ahead and slip it in between your cover letter and resume. It doesn't matter if the job you're applying for in any way pertains to the business of writing screenplays. I'm just saying... you never know. 6) Don't be pissy. Be arrogant. It works better. Here's an example that doesn't work on a resume: 1999-2000: Ben & Jerry's Scoopist Duties included cleaning up after slacker employees who've never worked a solid day in their lives, running the whole damn place while the boss was always off somewhere on vacation not giving me the raise I sorely deserved, and serving ice-cream (or "just water" to the cheap folks). Notice the negativity. It should be positivity, in the form of arrogance. Observe: 1999-2000: Ben & Jerry's Gourmet Iced-cream Delicacy Artist I was hired directly by Jerry to tighten up operations in their north branch. My duties included overseeing all operations in the region, addressing the issues and concerns of our target consumer market, and creation of new and exciting flavors based on existing trends. It should be noted that unlike point number 1 at the beginning of this document, none of this needs to be a lie. Here we are being arrogant, and we are also embellishing. Maybe the guy who hired you WAS named Jerry, or you could just call him that, 'cause he reminds you of someone. North Branch could just mean 'north of Tennessee.' Fix that if you're in, say, Arkansas. "Overseeing all operations in the region" works if we limit that region to "within store #1151." "Issues and concerns..." Ever work in retail? How about FOOD retail? You address a non-stop stream of concerns, many of which are explained not only in great boring detail, but with anger and malice, by people with issues. As for creation of new and exciting flavors, what B&J's employee *doesn't* mix up new flavor combos when nobody's looking? Use your head and make it sound like you conquered the Roman Empire single handedly from your register at the local ACME. Extra points if you convince a prospective employee that you actually DID conquer the Roman Empire, from anywhere. 7) Above all, have fun with it. Use crayons! Go wild. Impress them with your try-anything-once attitude. Here's a really fun one. Squeeze up a couple of fresh lemons and write your resume in lemon juice. This will of course be invisible, unless they gently waft the page over a candle to reveal your "secret document!" If they had a chemistry set, children's science book, or one of those weird, excitable first grade teachers, this will nostalgically amuse. If they were raised solely on movies, then you'll be deemed some sort of spy or dark sorcerer, in which case they'll hire you out of fear for their life. Secret lemon juice resumes provide for win/win situations. I hope those help get you started. Good luck from all of us here at misinformer.com! All content © 1999-2007 misinformer.com.   I am job.