Two years ago I wrote a little article about the Playstation 3.
Before long, my article began making the rounds on next-gen console message boards. From there it started ending up in Blogs and LiveJournals. Then, to my surprise, it spread to bizarre umlauted web sites on every continent, some of them so far removed from English that I can't even begin to guess at what language they're in.
Today my interview has intertwined itself so deeply into the fabric of the internet that it ranks in the first page of results in a Google search for "Playstation 3".
You would think that I would be proud of what I've accomplished, yet somehow it has become my biggest regret...
I get a lot of email about the Playstation 3 article. Occasionally there will be one that's a well written compliment, or one that makes a valid point about exploiting cultural stereotypes. In fact, I think I've got one of each of those categories.
The vast, vast majority, like 99.999% of the hundreds of emails I've received on the PS3 consist of one line of non-punctuated, barely coherent slurred attacks on my manhood. It's to the point where I have my email set to automatically filter any messages that contain "u r a fag."
Normally when I get these messages I just delete them, or if I'm feeling especially charitable, I'll respond with an emphatic "Thanks!"
This guy, however, must have caught me on a particularly bad day.
To: Ray Caster From: Jake Subject: u are a stuped mother fucker
what the fuck is this pice of shit a (playstation3)
ur gay u fucking homo
i work scea i will sew u if u keep making fony systems
email me for qustions
To: Jake From: Ray Caster Subject: Re: u are a stuped mother fucker
> what the fuck is this pice of shit a (playstation3)
Did you mean "pica" shit? A pica is a printer's unit of measurement
approximately 1/6th of an inch long. For reference, refer to your own unit.
> ur gay u fucking homo
OMG! U rite 2 much like Prince 4 me!
> i work scea
Did you mean you work *at* SCEA? Because if so, I'm really impressed
with their equal opportunity employment program. Here's a little bit of
advice for you while you're on the job: The bleach is for cleaning the
toilets, not for drinking.
> i will sew u if u keep making fony systems
What will you sew me? Whatever it is, I hope it's not personalized. My
name is seven whole letters long, there's no way you'd make it all the
way through without screwing it up.
> email me for qustions
Are qustions anything like "questions"? If so, please send me some.
(You very nearly made it through a whole sentence without misspelling a
word! Keep practicing! You can do it!)
------ 8< --------
Raymond S. Caster
To: Ray Caster From: Jake Subject: hey ur still gay
if u think ur smart or somthing ur a smart ass u can get hurt if u keep that shit up just stay in the bathroom and read porn gay porn u cupcake
To: Jake From: Ray Caster Subject: Re: hey ur still gay
> if u think ur smart or somthing ur a smart ass
Do I think I'm smart? Buddy, it hurts my head to think of words short
enough for you to even have a chance of understanding them.
Oh wait, "understanding" is a big one, isn't it? Let me try again:
Me smarty you much stupid dummy dumb head!
> u can get hurt if u keep that shit up
Bring it on, Einstein.
I could take you AND all of your friends from the short bus in a fight.
All I have to do is throw a handful of nickels on the ground, and all the
noise and shiny movement will distract you while I kick your lily ass to
next Tuesday.
Not that it will hurt you. I doubt very highly that your central nervous
system is developed enough to feel pain.
> just stay in the bathroom and read porn gay porn u cupcake
Oh, that's real mature. I wanted to keep this on an adult level, but then
you had to go and bring baked goods into it.
------ 8< --------
Raymond S. Caster
To: Ray Caster From: Jake Subject: SHIT
what the fuck d u think this is i can trace u ass and find u
abd kick ur ass
To: Jake From: Ray Caster Subject: Re: SHIT
> what the fuck d u think this is
I can't be sure, but I think it's some kind of lower vertebrate with a
yahoo mail account slaughtering the English language in an attempt to ask
me out.
Is that about right, chimp?
> i can trace u ass and find u
Don't take this the wrong way, but I doubt very highly that you could even
trace the path of your own drool back to your television to watch the rest
of WCW Raw.
> abd kick ur ass
Obie kaybie, Fabat Albert.
------ 8< --------
Raymond S. Caster
And sadly, that was it. And just when I was really starting to enjoy myself.
Jake, if you're reading this, or more likely, having someone read it to you, please write back! I miss you!
And now, a word from a misinformer.com supporter:
Don't be stupid when it comes to getting your PlayStation or other
electronics.
Save money and find
a great selection with online
shopping. Everything from televisions
to portable DVD players is cheaper online.
