Last night I went to check out the new Disney/Pixar CG epic, Finding Nemo. The feature was preceded with a screening of the Pixar classic film Knick Knack. The short premiered in 1989, but it still looks fresh and new today. In fact... too new...
Knick Knack's Breast Spheres:
Where Are They Now?
By Marcus
Miami Girl, circa 1989, from the Tiny Toy Stories video box.
(Click to enlarge.)
Miami Girl, today.
Image courtesy of Gary's Felonious TheatreCam.
(Click to enlarge.)
In my search for a current picture of the Miami Girl, I found this page on pixar.com. If you'll notice, the presumably be-boobulated Girl is awkwardly cropped out to the right of this shot, yet the accompanying text still refers to "a disproportionate blonde from Miami."
(Click to enlarge.)
As Knick Knack flickered across the screen to the non-attentive audience of sugared-up, screaming children at the El Capitan Theatre, I watched happily, but somewhat sleepily. After all, the film was more than twice as old as most of the people in the theatre, and as a computer animation dork, it's not like I hadn't seen it before.
For those of you who haven't seen it, Knick Knack is an early example of the now cliché "stuff comes to life when you're not watching" genre of computer animation, starring a shelf full of tourist tchotchkes. On one end of the shelf is an assortment of souvenirs from sunny locations having a little beach party, and on the other, all by himself, is a snowman in a cold Alaskan snowglobe. Through the whole picture, the snowman desperately attempts to escape his plastic cell to get with a busty little sunbather from Miami.
But not this time.
"The girl!" I gasped, "She's got no boobies!"
The guy sitting next to me cuffed me in the back of the head.
"Shhh! Of course she's got no boobies. It's a kid's cartoon."
"No," I explained, "I mean... she used to have boobies! They're gone!"
"Shut up you pervert. There were never any boobies."
By this time the little boys sitting near us were giggling so loud that we had to stop our conversation.
Sure enough, when I got home and checked the back of my Tiny Toy Stories VHS tape, there was the "Sunny Miami" Girl, complete with a pair of polygon spheres that would make Pamela Anderson say "Whoa Nellie."
What happened here? Now that Pixar is joined at the hip with Disney, did the Mouse impose censorship upon their archival material? Did the boys at Pixar just grow up, and lose their passion for giant snoobs? Or did they all just get married since the late 80s, and the explanation for the change boils down to "Yes, dear."
No. It's impossible. Nobody has ever looked at a cute, bikini clad blonde and said, "Less boobies please," even if she is computer generated.
We theorize that Miami Girl's perfectly round golden bozos are not present at this little 14 year reunion party because they actually declined the invitation. We suspect that much like Tina Louise, the spheres have probably spent the rest of their careers trying to distance themselves from the ridiculous role that made them superstars.
But that begs the question: Where are they now?
The IMDB, and other standard Hollywood directories offered little information. Since we've posted this feature, many people have written in to give us leads, and all of the data we've collected is listed below.
Thank you for all of your help in this investigation, Junior Detectives.
Our Case File Thus Far:
Case File #1: Allegiance with Magneto Date: 05-31-03 Submitted by: Anonymous at R&H
I was one of the visual effects artists on X2: X-Men United, and off the record, I think I have some information for your case.
When we were working on the shot where Magneto escapes from his plastic prison using flying blobs of metal, my supervisor told me to be sure to show respect to the spheres when they came on set. He said that they were big stars back in the day, but today they were hardly remembered, and had to settle for cameo roles.
I only saw them after they'd been through make up and were all silver colored, but something about them that I couldn't put my finger on just screamed, "BREAST!"
I hope this helps.
Case File #2: In the eyes of a Simpson Date: 05-31-03 Submitted by: Former PDI employee
Wow, I had totally forgotten about this until I just read your report. I think I've actually worked with those spheres before.
It was around 1995, and we were working on the Homer3 short for the Simpsons Halloween Special that year. I remember we were closing in our deadline, and everybody was in a panic. The Homer model was almost completely finished, but he still had no eyes.
Of course, if you know anything about computer modeling, you know an object with that kind of detail can take months if not years to create, even by a team of skilled artists. We were totally screwed.
In desperation, my producer put an ad in the trades for open auditions for spheres, and by God, the very next day these two show up, and they're perfect. Well, actually, if I remember correctly, we did have to apply scale modifiers to them to get them into his skull properly, but besides that, those two were complete professionals.
The weirdest thing was, right after the shoot, they disappeared, and nobody ever saw them again. They never filled out a W4, and they never did get paid. I don't even think they were credited.
Case File #3: Everybody Runs Date: 06-02-03 Submitted by: Brian Newlin
The last time I remember seeing the
spheres was in the Spielberg feature, Minority Report...
They seemed a bit upset about being separated and engraved for the part, and they were as
confused as anyone else as to why they were being used to predict the future.
But such is the nature of show business.
Case File #4: Crichton's Ball Date: 06-04-03 Submitted by: Austin McKinley
We can't go without mentioning what was probably one of the spheres' biggest
roles (I'm not sure which one), in the bad movie based on the equally bad
Michael Crichton novel, Sphere.
I imagine a sort of bitter rivalry between the spheres for the part, with one
finally edging the other out by being slightly bigger and/or rounder. But maybe
it was like one of those kid movies where they actually cast twins and then swap
them out once each has worked his quota for the day. Or maybe it's a
money-saving thing. What's the union pay scale for spheres?
Whatever the case, maybe it was the fact that they weren't allowed to work
together that made the movie so bad. The spheres have a certain synergy that
demands they be paired, the same way Mary Kate or Ashley by herself would be
even less interesting than they are together, for more than the obvious reasons.
Case File #5: Where anything is possible. Date: 06-13-03 Submitted by: Andrew Hersh
I'm sorry this data isn't more recent, but perhaps
studying the spheres' entire joint career may help.
As
soon as I saw the melons on that digital dynamo my
mind immediately shrieked, "WARTS!" like it always
does. But then it screamed, "HOG!" Again, nothing
strange there. But THEN I put them together and got
"HOGWART!!"
It then reminded me that David Bowie referred to
Hoggle as "Hogwart" at one point or another during the
movie Labyrinth. So I decided to sit down and watch
it, just for kicks.
Lo and behold, there were our
young pre-smut beauties!
This, of course, led to the realization
that those bulbous masses had been child actors before
they started their brief stint in
computer-animated-soft-core-porn!
Case File #6: Brain Cloud Date: 06-13-03 Submitted by: ???
Last week, a mysterious informant submitted a report noting that the spheres' long careers have seen them not only playing female naughty bits, but also those most hilarious parts of the male anatomy as well.
It seems that our mystery spheres made a little known cameo appearance as a set of prosthetic testicles in the Tom Hanks movie Joe vs. the Volcano.
Unfortunately, halfway through reading that fascinating email, I accidentally deleted it. Or did I? Perhaps this informant knew something that Orrin Hatch didn't want me to know...
To whomever submitted this sighting, I thank you, and I invite you to send me the text of your sighting again to be posted here for all to see... if you can...
Case File #7: ???! Date: 06-25-03 Submitted by: The Sprout
I am sorry I cannot furnish you with more information, but this spy
photo speaks for itself. I will of course deny any knowledge of this
message.
Case File #8: Good Twin/Evil Twin Date: 07-01-03 Submitted by:Timb
This is back-story on the spheres, as in before their appearance as the famed "breast-spheres,"
but perhaps their humble beginnings will point the way to their current location.
Before the spheres teamed up, you will notice them working separately in films. The
left sphere got an early start as an evil alien orb who goes on to narrate the
rotoscoped classic Heavy Metal, all the while, terrorizing a young girl. The right
sphere was nowhere to be found.
But then Dawn reminded me of the rollerblading classic Solarbabies. In this
masterpiece of cinema, you will find the right sphere showing its incredible acting
talent as a mystical, magical good-luck ball of "pure energy" that saves the world
and brings much-needed free water to a post-apocalyptic in-line hockey team.
Are these spheres in a balance of good and evil? Is this the force which at once
brought them together, and has it now hurled them asunder?
Case File #9: Like a box of chocolates Date: 07-01-03 Submitted by: Jan Flood
Remember that scene in Forrest Gump where Forrest is playing ping pong against a wall with two balls at the same time, and he never misses them? The first time I saw that, I was like, "Good goddamn! That Tom Hanks sure plays a mean ping pong! No wonder they cast him in this role!"
After my friends finished laughing at me, they told me that Tom Hanks just stood there and swung his arms around like a freaky little monkey, and then they put in the balls later using computer graphics.
Of course I was disappointed. Knowing that, the scene wasn't anywhere near as cool as it had been. In fact, it sucked. But today I realize that what I saw was better than a couple of stupid plastic balls, I was witnessing the world's biggest sphere superstars in action!
Thank you, misinformer.com, for putting the joy back into Forrest Gump, not only for me, but for our entire generation.
Case File #10: Tall Man's Playthings Date: 07-30-03 Submitted by: Otherford Guyschwite
Thank you for your good work on Knick Knack's knockers.
In an unrelated investigation, I found some information that may help explain the
reason's behind the Disney/Pixar cover up.
In 1987/88, as filming progressed for Phantasm II, motion control designer D. Kerry
Prior hired the spheres to resume their role from the original Phantasm film.
Unknown to the special effects crew, the spheres has succumbed to the temptations
Hollywood stardom brings. After a week long binge of cocaine, LSD, and Tarni-Shield
Silver Polish, the spheres were in no state to continue filming. Out of time and
over budget, director Don Coscarelli pushed the spheres into filming an intense and
pivotal scene where the spheres were to chase Father Meyers (played by Kenneth
Tigar). Tragedy followed when one of the spheres literally cut off Tigar's ear. As
he lay screaming (the best performance of his career), the second sphere lodged into
his skull, killing him instantly.
Universal Pictures buried the story and released the film without incrimination to
the spheres. However, Disney/Pixar learned of the incident (during mandatory
'therapy' sessions required of all their employees) just after completion of Knick
Knack. Disney removed the spheres from payroll and, as they did with Walt's
misconceived eighth dwarf "Boily", erased most record of their existence.
Case File #11: Seen with a Seeker Date: 08-06-03 Submitted by: Katie Berinato
I have a lead on the spheres.
I think they got an opportunity to work on the Harry Potter movies as the Golden Snitch.
And now, a word from a misinformer.com supporter:
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