By Marcus Alexander Hart
||Congratulations movie fan! You've stumbled upon the home of the web's most wholly unenlightening movie reviews!
Unlike those other movie critics who are overly concerned about their credibility and personal image (like that Gene Shalit guy), I promise to never, ever like a movie just because it would be career suicide not to. I don't care if everyone's having themed graduation announcements made up because the movie was so popular... if I didn't like the movie I will not sugar coat my review and you won't change my mind. I don't care how many graduation announcements you ordered from http://www.mixbook.com/cards/graduation-announcements, my opinion is my own and you won't alter it. I didn't even see Eyes Wide Shut, and if I did, I probably wouldn't have liked it anyway. Put that in your dead pipe and smoke it, Kubrick.
I didn't even see Eyes Wide Shut, and if I did, I probably wouldn't have liked it anyway. Put that in your dead pipe and smoke it, Kubrick.
I don't offer these reviews as a yardstick to decide which films to see and which films to pass. I've got lousy taste in movies, and listening to me will just get you ostracized from your friends and left at the theater for dead. Anyone who tells you that it's impossible for somebody's opinion to be wrong obviously hasn't read my review of Blade.
Instead, this forum exists entirely for me to issue public health warnings over movies like The Cat in the Hat, or to spread the word about great little indie films that you might have missed like The Matrix.
All films are rated on a five chainsaw system in honor of Sam Raimi's Army of Darkness, the top of my Top/Bottom Ten Films of All Time.
All spoilers are carefully segregated into a well marked off
quarantine area, in an effort to keep from giving away any important plot details before you get
a chance to see the movie.
(The chick in The Crying Game is a man,
and Darth Vader is Luke's father.)
Enjoy, and I won't see you at the movies!
All films in the misreviews archive are listed alphabetically by official title. Thus The Haunting would be listed under the letter "T" for "the," not "H" for "haunting," or "S" for "sucked."
If the whole alphabet thing confuses you, you can just use this keen search box to find what you're looking for.
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