Okay my misinformed pals, I know that the reason that all of my loyal readers (Hi mom!) keep coming back is to hear me rave about how I hate every movie that I see, but I'm going to save what meager little criticisms that I have of this movie to the end.

I LOVED THIS MOVIE! But that should go without saying. It's not everyday you see five chainsaws in a bunch.

Speaking as an ex-computer animator (I'm one student loan payment away from a job at Taco Bell. I suck!) I have to say that I was absolutely slack-jawed and paralyzed after the first two minutes of this film. And that was all footage that I've seen before in previews!

As Plucky Duck used to say, "Gasp and da-roooool!"

When I went to see Toy Story, I spent the entire film sitting in a puddle of my own saliva thinking, "Beavis, this is the most kick-ass computer animation that I have ever seen." After about the first five minutes of Antz I completely forgot that I was watching CG at all, and I was just pulled into the whole ant colony environment as if it was really there.

Considering that I used to use computers for 3-D animation and not for writing shitty, uninspired movie reviews, I consider it quite a feat to totally erase the technology and replace it with the characters in my head.

And what an impressive lot of characters they were! I don't just mean the principals either. I mean the copious amounts of stray, nameless ants that filled every scene.

There were so many "extras" that all looked, moved, and acted completely differently (except of course for when they were doing the same thing) that it blew my little mind.

Before the feature, there was a trailer for A Bugs Life!

In the Frenchy-French words of my esteemed roommate, "Quelle fuck?"

I thought Disney (and that Pixel, Pixo, what was that place called before Disney assimilated them and made their unique characteristics a part of their collective?) and Dreamworks/PDI were at war over their bug movies. Either it was all totally overblown, somebody made a mistake at the theater, or they just figured, "What the hell, we've already got Joe Buglover's dime, why not toss 'em over to Disney when we're done with 'em?"

At any rate, this leads me into the rough waters that I have already been flamed for once this week. While technically a marvel in every way, Antz had a plot older than the dirt that Z and his pals were shoveling.

Antz is your basic "Princess doesn't want to be a princess, peon doesn't want to be a peon, they meet and live happily ever after anyway" story. Throwing ants into this ripe old narrative is not breaking new ground in any way (pun intended, please shoot me).

After a while I halfway expected Z to bust out singing, "Riff-raff, street rat, I don't, buy that..." (Not that it was Disney's plot to begin with, but that's another review.)

But he didn't, luckily for all of us. In its favor, Antz is not a musical, and for your average American animation watcher, it's a welcome departure from Disney and Disney wannabes who throw in a song every ten minutes whether it advances the story or not.

Oh, shut up. I'm not talking about you, you're not average, you've got one of those animation industry jobs. I'm talking about Mommy and Daddy Q. Public who have to sit through the songs in Mulan and like it because Baby Q. Public needs to see it. Mommy Public has never seen Heavy Metal and thinks that anime is the opposite of "Annie may not."

The same goes for the dialogue. Although it has been pointed out to me that real people use much stronger words than damn, hell, and anus in regular conversation, I've never seen it in any American theatrical animation that didn't have a title like "Twisted Toons that like to Yell Expletives!" ("They killed Kenny." Yawn.)

Another thing... oh wait... hop to the spoilers (like you haven't already seen this movie four times...)

Go see Antz. 'Nuff said.

Okay, hi.

Another thing that I really liked about this movie was the REAL NASTY VIOLENCE! When the ants and the termites battled, it wasn't cute and harmless battling like that stupid avalanche in Mulan. (Sorry, I just saw Mulan last week and I'm still working out my aggressions...)

When the battle was over and the DEAD BODIES littered the battlefield, I thought that it was awesome! It was like Starship Troopers, and you know how I feel about that.

Z talked to a SEVERED HEAD! Can ants really live like that? I thought it was strange from a biological standpoint, if not from a narrative one.

I could already hear Mommy Q. Public gasping three rows behind me during that part. I suppose that is another one of those clues that this wasn't really supposed to be a children's movie. Or maybe it was, and Dreamworks/PDI actually realizes that kids today are much more sophisticated than they were when Mikey Eisner was ten years old. Not that I'm taking potshots or anything. Why start now, after such a distinguished and self-valuing commentary thus far?

I'm sorry everybody, I really hate writing reviews of movies that I liked. It's kind of my forte to see movies that no respectable human being would ever admit that they liked, and then tear them apart. It's the road of the weak minded and untalented, but I am their leader.

I especially hate it when the movies that I like are animated, and most especially when they are computer animated. I'm expected to say something reasonably informed about them, seeing as how I shield myself from the falling rain in the alley in which I live with a BFA in Computer Animation.

As they always say, "Those who can do, and those who can't sit up all night writing movie reviews and whining about it."

By now you are either composing an email to me that says, "You're a good animator Mr. Marcus! Don't kill yourself tonight!" or one that says, "Listen you whiny bastard, why don't you stop crying and go out and find a job!"

I thank you for your concern and motivational words, but I don't need them.

I'm going to go and see A Night at the Roxbury to cheer myself up.