As of this review, Armageddon wins the coveted

Did you come out of Deep Impact with tears in your eyes? Not tears of joy that the Earth had been saved, or tears of sadness that it takes a worldwide catastrophe to bring us all together, but tears that you had wasted six bucks and an evening of your life that you would never get back on such a sappy, drawn-out piece of garbage?

Well have no fear, Deep Impact is to Armageddon what The Arrival was to Independence Day. A sissy Face Movie with a tiny sliver of interesting plot that would have made a great Twilight Zone episode in the '80s but makes a really sub-standard full length film in the '90s. But enough about Deep Hurting, this is supposed to be a review for Armageddon.

As far as this reviewer is concerned, this movie had it all. Comedy, action, stuff blowing up, and Liv Tyler! Steve Buscemi, too! He is a hoot from start to finish. If I could, I'd buy him a cigar (or another less carcinogenic item of equal or lesser congratulatory value) for his role in this film. I laughed, I cried, I spewed. And it also had the "lust" guy from Herman's Head in it. You can't go wrong with that.

In short, if you like action movies, if you like science-fiction, or if you just like getting the kind of primal buzz that you can only get from watching (or causing) destruction on a global scale, you'll LOVE Armageddon! Go now!

If you have been keeping a close eye on the silver screen this summer, this will be at least the third time you see the Big Apple eat it (Deep Impact and Godzilla), but some things never get old, right? The tip of the hat to Godzilla was also cute. (Remember Godzilla? It was that movie about the giant lizard. It came out last month. No really!) We also get to see France and a nondescript patch of the Orient get wiped out here, complete with generic stereotyped Asian and French people pointing in slow motion and dying a lot.

In fact, of the crew of critics that I was with, the gratuitous use of slow motion Americana/Cultures of the World footage was the biggest complaint. In some parts we were all expecting to see one squeaky-clean Indian woman hand another a Coca-Cola, or have the portly caucasian gentleman coming out of the whitewashed rural American church to pop open his IBM laptop and laugh heartily with his upper-middle class chums.

And how about that scene with the American shuttles docking to the Mir Space Station? Okay folks, we have a satellite dish here at misinformer.com, and I've watched live feed from Nasa of a Shuttle docking to Mir. It is a slow and tedious process of tiny controlled bursts of thrust taking hours and hours to complete. I understand that an eight-hour docking sequence isn't the kind of edge-of-your-seat drama that the director was going for, I just thought it was kind of funny when the two shuttles just slammed on to the sides of the Russian Space Station faster than I parked my car outside the theater.

I tend to focus on the negative of the movies I see. It's kind of my thing. I can't help that. All I can say is, this movie was exactly the kind of movie that I like to see. I haven't left a theatre with a buzz of sheer movie joy like this since Independence Day. Five chainsaws is not a thing to be taken lightly.