I had such high shagspectations for this shagging film when I saw the shagadellic trailer, but after shagging the shag, I must shag that it wasn't as shag as I thought shag would shag.

Remember before the first Austin Powers movie came out? Before anybody that you knew had ever used the word "shag" outside of describing carpet or dogs in 1960s Disney movies?

Remember when your friends used to say "Alllll righty then!" and "Somebody STOP me!" instead of "Yeah baby, yeah!" and "Oh behave!"?

I think that Mike Myers and the makers of Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me do, and I think they are terrified of returning to such a time.

"If I don't maintain my catch phrases, I might end up like gasp! Dana Carvey!"

Here's a shagadellic tip to the shagsters who are going to be responsible for Austin Powers III: The Shag Who Shagged Shaggedy Shag Shag Shaggeroo: The reason that people liked the first movie so much was because it was an original, well written parody of the '60s spy genre. The reason that people started to love, quote, and buy the merchandise from the movie was because the characters were endearing, the story made sense, and the satire was strong and virile.

Shagged plays out like a bunch of mismatched Saturday Night Live skits conceptualized in the car ride home from the first movie.

"Hey, wouldn't it be funny if Dr. Evil sang a Will Smith song?"

"It wouldn't be cool if Scott Evil went on Jerry Springer?"

"Why don't we just throw in some crappy Star Wars elements to try to cash in on that. People seemed to like the parody preview!"

The story of this movie takes such a backseat to the merchandising machine that it is riding in the "way back" of the cinematic station wagon, gazing listlessly at oncoming traffic through the back window and holding up notebook paper signs reading, "help me."

When you have to have Basil Exposition look through the fourth wall directly at the audience and say "Okay, so the movie makes no shagging sense from this point on. Just deal with it," it should be a warning flag that it's time for a rewrite.

The year is 1999. Austin's timeline is five minutes after the last movie ended, and he is blissfully shagging his shagadellic shagmate Vanessa.

However, the timeline for Dr. Evil, his henchmen, and the rest of the world has progressed far enough for Number 2 to come back from the dead and acquire Starbucks, for a clone to be made of Dr. Evil, and for Frau Farbissina to find a new lover. It has been a very eventful five minutes all around.

Repeat to yourself, "It's just a show, I should really just relax," I suppose.

Now, recycling is good for the planet, and it helps everybody. In this respect, The Spy Who Shagged Me deserves some kind of prize, because from here on out we pretty much get gags from the last movie, slightly tweaked in a never ending self-parody.

"Hey, if Dr. Evil says 'zip it' instead of 'shhhh', it's a whole new joke! I'll bet people will start quoting this now!"

Hey, if we throw Mustafa off a cliff and not quite kill him instead of dropping him through the floor, ba-da-bing, new joke baby!"

"Hey, if we put Austin over a lava pit instead of a tank full of angry sea bass with lasers, it's a whole new joke! And if Scott is still the only one who thinks it's a dumb idea, we can use that joke again too! Four head jokes and a 'that'll do', four lava jokes and a 'that'll do'. Cut and paste saves money and time!"

I'd like to go on the record as the first heterosexual male to say that I really didn't like the character of Felicity Shagwell at all. There's a reason that she's not called Felicity Thinkwell.

If Vanessa Kensington was given the task of placing a homing device on Fat Bastard in "any way necessary," you can bet your double-0 ranking that she would have used a different method than Shagwell did.

Unlike Vanessa, who was strong willed and intelligent in addition to being a bombshell, Shagwell is what her name says: little more than a way to slap Heather Graham into this film in slinky little '60s clothes in an attempt to drag men into the theater by their penises by plastering her leggy form all over the poster not once but four times like some kind of mod version of the Spice Girls.

After watching her constantly throwing herself at Austin for the entire movie with flirty lines so poor that they only count as single-entendres, it just started to get pathetic. Was there really some lonely prepubescent somewhere in the theatre who thought the line "Shagwell by name, shag very well by reputation" was clever?

And what's with this jar of mojo? Color me a purist, but I think that actually making Austin's mojo a tangible glass tube of purple, Claire's-Boutique glitter really had no business in this movie. The first film was silly, but it had a certain logic. We can appreciate the threat of detonating a nuclear warhead in the center of the Earth, even though it is a ridiculous concept. Maybe it was just me, but I thought that the whole "stolen mojo" thing was way too Saturday-morning-TV-show-based-on-Nintendo-game for my liking.

Anyway, when all is said and done, I think that my friend Krystal summed up this movie better than I ever could by saying, "It was funny, but it still sucked."

I am super pissed about the opening scene in this movie. Just like the die hard Star Wars fans who, after watching Episode I, refuse to believe that Darth Vader built C3P0 and that the force isn't an unexplained mystical energy, but a blood contaminant, I refuse to believe that Vanessa Kensington is a Fembot.

I give this lame ass plot device the official misreviews "Nuh-uhhhhhhh!"

Not only does this moronic piece of narrative backpedaling remove 100% of the character development that Austin achieved in the first film as he learned to live and love in the nineties, but it also renders him completely unlikable from the moment that he claps with her dismembered, be-ringed hand.

Bad show, Powers. Have you no emotion that doesn't emanate from your penis? I actually found myself liking Dr. Evil a lot more than the hero in this installment.

As far as I'm concerned, any points that are "rectified" in this movie just don't count. In my mind Vanessa will always be Austin's number one gal, Scott Evil will always be a test tube baby, and the first Austin Powers will always remain a really funny, well made movie.